By Florent Carton Dancourt

Translated from French by James Magruder

Over the course of my life, I have made tens of dollars by translating stage comedies, mostly French, all but one in the public domain. Two of them, Marivaux’s Le Triomphe de l’amour (1732) and Lesage’s Turcaret (1709)were, when I translated them for my Yale DFA, masterpieces unknown to the English-speaking world. (In the intervening decades, I am pleased that genuine attention has been paid to Marivaux.) I have adapted several Molière comedies for ready commission monies from American non-profit theaters. To carping critics and scholars—and there have been many—I maintain that Molière’s enduring, weatherproof hide can easily withstand the japes of my moment. I translate not for the library, but for the stage, and I take delight in and inspiration from the endlessly mutating American lexicon. Where appropriate, diction shifts arising from class difference or psychological stress or the moment at hand are my meat and drink. I know the French, but I’d rather go for the (potential) laugh.

In 1685, Louis XIV made his most colossal non-martial blunder when he expelled the efficient capitalist Huguenots from France. Dancourt’s Le Chevalier à la mode premiered two years later. No lost masterpiece, it is highly entertaining nonetheless, and, in a corrupt, socially anxious, money-mad society where the King is selling titles to all comers to fill the royal coffers depleted by the construction of Versailles and his senseless foreign campaigns, it is sharp where it needs to be. Like most comedies of manners, today Knight Errant would have migrated to television, where a three-timing scoundrel like the Chevalier de Villefontaine would have a great arc on Season Four of The White Lotus. Three hundred years after his death, I am happy to bring Dancourt and his people—in full-throated American dialect—to our similarly careening body politic.

Like many a French playwright of decent birth, Florent Carton Dancourt (1661-1725) abandoned law for the theater. This career pivot was compounded by the abduction of the actress Thérèse Lenoir de La Thorillière, the daughter of François Lenoir de la Thorillière, a leading member of Molière’s troupe known for originating the role of Philinte in Le Misanthrope.Thérèse and Florent entered the Comédie-Française as actors in April 1685, a path their two daughters would follow. His ease with public speaking led to his being chosen the troupe’s orator in ceremonial circumstances, and he was known for his Alceste. The year he entered the C-F, his first comedy, Le Notaire Obligant, ou Les Fonds Perdus, premiered to some success. At his death, he had written between sixty and eighty plays (not all of which survive) in several genres, among them opera parodies, short prose pieces known as dancourades, and mythological fantasies. Dancourt’s most enduring works were comédies de moeurs that satirized a growing bourgeois class maddened by a thirst for pleasure and social climbing. His plots, amoral but not indecent, provided a cavalcade of crooked notaries, merchants, and magistrates, soldiers, louche noblemen, vain, grasping matrons, maidens on the make, and back-talking servants. Le Chevalier à la mode (1687), considered his finest work, remains in infrequent rotation in the French repertory.

James Magruder’s stage translations and adaptations have been developed and produced on and off-Broadway, across the country, and in Japan, Germany, England, Canada, and Australia. They include the book for the Broadway musical, Head Over Heels, a blank verse mashup of Sidney’s Arcadia and the song catalog of the Go-Go’s; Christmas Carol 1941; Marivaux’s The Triumph of Love and the book for its Broadway musical version, Triumph of Love; Labiche’s Eating Crown; Lesage’s Turcaret; Molière’s The Miser, The Imaginary Invalid, and Bougie Man, a SoCal version of Le Bourgeois Gentilhomme; Gozzi’s The Love of Three Oranges, Giraudoux’s The Madwoman of Chaillot, and Der Bourgeois Bigshot, a reconstruction of the Hofmannsthal/Strauss musical comedy, Der Bürger als Edelmann. His Three French Comedies (Yale University Press) was named an “Outstanding Literary Translation” by the American Literary Translators Association. His first—and last—book of non-fiction, The Play’s the Thing: Fifty Years of Yale Repertory Theater (1966-2016) was released in 2024. He has also published five books of fiction.

Knight Errant

By Florent Carton Dancourt

Translated and adapted from French by James Magruder

Cast:

THE CHEVALIER DE VILLEFONTAINE

MADAME PATIN, a wealthy widow in love with the Chevalier

M. SERREFORT, her brother-in-law

LUCILE, Serrefort’s daughter

THE BARONESS

M. MIGAUD, counsel to the Baroness

LISETTE, Mme Patin’s chambermaid

CRISPIN, the Chevalier’s valet

M. GUILLEMIN, a notary

LABRIE, a lackey to Mme Patin

(Labrie and Guillemin may double: 5m,4w)

The play takes place in Paris in the drawing room of the home of Madame Patin.

ACT ONE

(MADAME PATIN enters in great haste and confusion, followed by her chambermaid LISETTE.)

LISETTE

What is it, Madame? What’s wrong? What has happened to you? Did something happen to you?

MME PATIN

Snubbed! Oh, I can’t breathe. I’ve been snubbed—it’s unspeakable. Get me a chair—

LISETTE

(giving her a chair) Snubbed? Someone snubbed you, my lady? Is that possible?

MME PATIN

Oh Lisette, it was fierce, fierce! I’ll die of shame! Some hag cut me dead in the middle of the street.

LISETTE

Cut Madame Patin, the widow of a tax collector who socked away two million pounds in the service of the king and died unindicted! Who was this insolent, ignorant wretch?

MME PATIN

A Countess. The Countess of I don’t know what. She had the nerve to claim the inside of the of the pavement for her carriage. I was forced to follow behind her.

LISETTE

She’s the Countess of Vulgaria, that’s who she is. And today of all days—your first ride in your new carriage, two dapple-gray steeds, the driver’s beard waxed to a point, six footmen trimmed in more braid than an attendant on a merry-go-round— you mean to tell me that all your trappings didn’t count with her ?

MME PATIN

Absolutely not! She was riding in the back of a broken-down carriage, like a tramp, dragged by two worn-out horses, and a small swarm of moth-eaten lackeys.

LISETTE

Death of my life, where was Lisette? I would have told her where to get off.

MME PATIN

I started to, in a tone equal to my carriage; but she, with a “Hold your tongue, you commoner,” knocked me right off my seat.

LISETTE

Commoner! She couldn’t see those six-pile scarlet velvet cushions fringed with gold you were sitting on, now could she? What did you say to her?

MADAME PATIN

I was so discombobulated, I hadn’t the strength to respond; I had the driver turn around and head home hell for leather.

(LABRIE enters)

LISETTE

Is this a joke, Labrie? What’s the idea looking like this in front of my lady?

LABRIE

You should see the rest of us. I came to tell Madame that Lafleur and Jasmin got their heads busted open by that Countess’s footmen.

LISETTE

Didn’t you tell them who your mistress was?

LABRIE

Of course we did.

MME PATIN

And?

LABRIE

Begging your pardon, Madame, but I think that’s what set them off.

LISETTE

Blockheads!

MME PATIN

You may go, my child.

LABRIE

Lafleur and Jasmin are at the doctor.

MME PATIN

See that their wounds are dressed properly and tell them to stay out of any more trouble.

(LABRIE exists)

LISETTE

Look on the bright side, my lady; it wasn’t you they insulted, only your name. you can change that—if you hurry.

MME PATIN

I have made up my mind to do it, but still I rage against Fate for not having made me a noblewoman to begin with.

LISETTE

I don’t think you have full cause for complaint; you may not have a title, but you’re rich. You know as well as anybody that a title can be bought, but birth does not guarantee wealth.

MME PATIN

And yet there’s nothing so enchanting as a title.

LISETTE

But think how mortifying it would be if you found yourself in the situation of certain titled women, who are known only to the flock of creditors who shout their names at their doors from morning to night.

MME PATIN

That’s a mark of distinction.

LISETTE

Take my word for it, it’s better to be snubbed by a countess than a dressmaker; and isn’t it nice to be able to leave by the front door without fearing that a troop of sergeants has camped out to seize the coach and horses? What if you had to get home on foot, like several women of quality we know?

MADAME PATIN

Make me a countess, and I won’t care what happens to me.

LISETTE

You’re joking.

MADAME PATIN

I’m not. I would rather become the most down-on-her-heels countess at court than remain the window of the richest financier in France. I’ll be a countess or a duchess or a marquess, not matter what the cost. And the first thing I have to do is break with the riffraff in my drawing room—starting with Monsieur Serrefort.

LISETTE

Your brother-in-law?

MADAME PATIN

My brother-in-law? Watch your language.

LISETTE

Excuse my ignorance; I thought Monsieur Serrefort was your brother-in-law, because he is the brother of your late husband.

MADAME PATIN

Brother to my late husband, so be it; but my husband is dead, and Monsieur Serrefort is nothing to me! Not that the skinflint doesn’t imagine he’s something to me, the way he lectures me about my conduct, and attempts to control all my actions. He had the nerve to suggest that I imitate the example of his wife. He actually compares me to her!

LISETTE

The fool—you are incomparable. He’s merely your brother-in-law, and she’s merely your sister-in-law. Formerly, that is. At one time. In the past.

MADAME PATIN

And it doesn’t stop with them! Their precious little Lucile has been putting on airs. When we go out for a drive, she has the cheek to sit right next to me in the back of the carriage. On foot, she walks right alongside me and leaves no distance between us.

LISETTE

She’s preposterous.

MADAME PATIN

And her obnoxious, incessant simpering! She gets all the attention. I tell you, there’ll be some changes made around here.

LISETTE

No trouble there; a mother-in-law has more influence than an aunt.

MME. PATIN

Her mother-in-law? Do you think after what just happened to me in the street I would have the slightest interest in keeping my word to Monsieur Migaud?

LISETTE

What is the connection between what just went down in street and the arranged marriages between you and Monsieur Migaud, and between his son Horace and Lucile?

MME PATIN

Migaud—ho, that name would really get me on the guest list. No thank you, I’d rather stick to Patin.

LISETTE

But Migaud is a distinguished legal name; Patin only ranks as finance.

MME PATIN

Law or finance, neither is exactly Madame la Duchesse de la Fourcade-Petit Truc- Machin.

LISETTE

Did you just make that up?

MME PATIN

I made up my mind last week to nab a delicious mouthful of a title.

LISETTE

(aside) Then Monsieur Migaud is out of luck.

MME PATIN

What did you say?

LISETTE

A title is heavenly; but there’s a husband to go with it. You have to be very careful when you go title-hunting.

MME PATIN

I’m a good judge of character, and I have the tastiest morsel of a man in my sights.

LISETTE

You mean you’ve been holding out on me?

MME PATIN

The Chevalier hasn’t wanted me to tell you.

LISETTE

You don’t—you can’t possibly mean the Chevalier de Villefontaine?

MME PATIN

The very one.

LISETTE

Hold on. You intend to marry the Chevalier de Villefontaine?

MME PATIN

Precisely.

LISETTE

You’ve got to be kidding, my lady. He hasn’t a penny to his name.

MME PATIN

I have enough for both of us. The divine hand of justice is at work in our love match. My late husband foreclosed on the Chevalier’s ancestral estate. I feel it’s a mandate from heaven to restore one of the oldest families in Normandy to its former glory.

LISETTE

Oh well, if it’s a marriage of conscience, I have nothing more to say. Won’t Monsieur Migaud be surprised though when he gets wind of this?

MME PATIN

I shall take good care to keep him uninformed, for he won’t fail to run and complain to Monsieur Serrefort about it. Who will then tax my ears with his insufferable advice. Neither of them is to know a thing until I am Lady Villefontaine.

LISETTE

But before you marry the chevalier, don’t you think you might have to break it off with Monsieur Migaud?

MME PATIN

I’ve thought of that, Lisette; I’ll trump up a quarrel with him just as soon as I see him. Even a numbskull can take a hint.

LISETTE

Here he is. Start trumping.

(MONSIEUR MIGAUD enters)

MIGAUD

Forgive my intrusion, Madame, but I thought it better to respond personally to the letter you wrote me last night.

MME PATIN

I wrote you, Sir?

MIGAUD

Indeed, Madame. A baroness with a lawsuit I’ve taken on, brought me a recommendation from you yesterday.

MME PATIN

Yes, yes, she’s been harassing me for days to get you to speak in her favor, but I recommended yesterday that you dump her toot sweet.

MIGAUD

Glad I am of that, Madame; there is more fancy than reason to her case, and I think there’s nothing to gain in getting mixed up with it.

MME PATIN

Do you suggest, Sir, that you won’t help her win her case?

MIGAUD

I? Madame, the outcome hardly depends on me alone. Justice–

MME PATIN

Justice! Justice! If justice were on her side, I would hardly have to ask you to help her. What about your duty to me?

MIGAUD

But Madame—

MME PATIN

No buts, Sir! I won’t pretend that the world thinks my testimonial is worth a listen; but neither am I such a nobody, it seems to me, to allow the world to think I can’t bribe a judge when the occasion arises.

MIGAUD

But what would compel you to take an interest in a suit that might only disgrace you in the end?

MME PATIN

And what would compel you, when I ask, to refuse to cast an ugly business in a favorable light. Shame on you!

MIGAUD

Seriously, Madame—

MME PATIN

That’s enough backtalk, Migaud. I have made my wishes clear: it’s up to you to carry them out. Lisette, if the person to whom I was referring earlier arrives, please send word to me at Araminte’s. I’m going there to play cards.

(MME PATIN exits)

MIGAUD

Lisette.

LISETTE

Sir?

MIGAUD

What do you call that mood?

LISETTE

You’re not pleased with it?

MIGAUD

Have I cause to be pleased with it?

LISETTE

No.

MIGAUD

What do you make of it?

LISETTE

I think you know what it means. You’re not that dumb.

MIGAUD

Help me to fathom it.

LISETTE

You “appreciate” my mistress Madame Patin, and you had reason to believe until now—that she “appreciated” you.

MIGAUD

If I didn’t respect her, I would think—

LISETTE

Drop the respect, Sir, and admit you think she’s a lunatic.

MIGAUD

Since you’re being so frank, Lisette, I admit that Madame Patin is an absolute terror. If it weren’t for Horace’s benefit, I’d never dream of yoking myself to her. Monsieur Serrefort fears that his sister-in-law is squandering everything her husband left her. To keep her family in the family, Serrefort will only give Lucile to Horace on the condition that I marry Madame Patin.

LISETTE

And you submit to that condition?

MIGAUD

I submit my family to forty thousand pounds a year.

LISETTE

And that’s worth staying on a slow boil for the rest of your days?

MIGAUD

I’ll suffer less than you might think. I am a man who can bring a woman to her senses.

LISETTE

Better start now; because if you wait until you’re married to bring her to her senses, you run the risk of watching her die a madwoman.

MIGAUD

What are you saying?

LISETTE

I’m saying I hope Horace will get better use out of forty thousand a year than the fop Madame has them earmarked for.

MIGAUD

Your mistress has changed her mind?

LISETTE

Catch up, honey. She’s got the court on her brain; and to force her début there, she plans to marry the Chevalier de Villefontaine.

MIGAUD

That can’t be.

LISETTE

I don’t know if that can be, I just know that it is.

MIGAUD

You’re joking. The Chevalier de Villefontaine is a dissipated, penniless boozebagging sponge, renowned at court for dipping snuff and cheating at cards. He’s a permanent bachelor. I’m not sure I believe this.

LISETTE

Believe, don’t believe, you’d better warn Monsieur Serrefort just in case. Here comes our Chevalier, go.

MIGAUD

The mind of a woman is a strange thing.

(MIGAUD exits, and the CHEVALIER enters)

CHEVALIER

Good day, my dear Lisette. Ah, you‘ve some gambol afoot—you’re decked out even more than usual, and, as ever, you’re tastier looking than the most lipsmacking Duchess. What a saucy embonpoint, like a melon-patch in June….

LISETTE

My lady has been waiting quite a while for you, Sir.

CHEVALIER

Has she now ? You are one of the most bewitching girls I’ve ever met. All credit to the seamstress who sculpts your bodices. And this is the most elegantly arousing apron one could ever hope to see through. And how you dress your hair, you wicked little jade.

LISETTE

Would you like me to tell Madame that you are here? She’s at a friend’s house, two doors down.

CHEVALIER

Oh Lisette, one minute more or less couldn’t make a difference.

LISETTE

Permit me to advertise your impatience, Sir; look, here’s your stooge.

(LISETTE exits and CRISPIN enters.)

CRISPIN

I’ve been looking for you everywhere. The Baroness—

CHEVALIER

Shhhhh! Don’t you see where we are?

CRISPIN

Yes, Sir, but the Baroness—

CHEVALIER

Quiet! How many times do I have to tell you, when I’m at one woman’s house, you’re not to post news of another?

CRISPIN

But this is the Baroness who—

CHEVALIER

You dolt, once and for all, shut up! Don’t spoil what is possibly the best investment of my life.

CRISPIN

You mean she’s talking marriage? Do you love her?

CHEVALIER

Love her ? How old are you?

CRISPIN

Then which investment are you talking about?

CHEVALIER

I’d marry Madame Patin but for the fact she nauseates me so.

CRISPIN

Well, let Old Scratch take me if I can follow your line of thinking.

CHEVALIER

I’m in love with her forty thousand a year.

CRISPIN

Then it’s the forty thousand you’d marry.

CHEVALIER

God, you’re slow. If I were to love someone, for Christ’s sake, it wouldn’t be Madame Patin.

CRISPIN

That rules out the Baroness as well; every eight days you promise to marry her the following week, and that charade has been going on for a year now.

CHEVALIER

If the Baroness wins her lawsuit, I’d back her over Madame Patin. She may have twenty more years to go, but the settlement would give her twenty thousand more pounds than Madame Patin has.

CRISPIN

Well, how about giving me one of your also-rans; because, just between us, sir, chambermaids have become too decent nowadays. Do you love only plunder?

CHEVALIER

You cut me to the quick, my child. Who’s to say I don’t at this very moment love a certain spicy brunette. If she turns out to be as rich as she claims, I wouldn’t hesitate to sacrifice that pair of worn-out mules for her.

CRISPIN

What spicy brunette? What’s her name?

CHEVALIER

I have yet to discover it. I met her four days ago at the Tuilleries. I’ve laid siege to her every night since and told her I am the Marquess of Guérets.

CRISPIN

Four days, huh? She’s tough.

CHEVALIER

The father is strict; it’s only under cover of visiting an aunt that she can get out at night.

CRISPIN

Young, pretty, a perfect liar…

CHEVALIER

Virginal, and stacked. A man couldn’t ask for anything more.

CRISPIN

Damn.

CHEVALIER

Let’s drop the subject. Getting hold of some cash comes first. For now, I cannot afford to risk my heart with this woman.

CRISPIN

What heart is that?

CHEVALIER

We must stick to the birds in hand. Bagatelles a-plenty…

CRISPIN and CHEVALIER

As soon as the checks have cleared!

CRISPIN

Well, if Madame Patin is the riper bird for basting, I’ll just pop back home and send the Baroness away with her gifts.

CHEVALIER

Gifts? What are you talking about?

CRISPIN

I only came to tell you that the Baroness has been cooling her heels in your drawing room with some booty. I’ll just tell her to leave.

CHEVALIER

Hold on a minute. What gifts?

CRISPIN

Oh, a big ol‘ coach that she snuck into your carriage house, two fine steeds in your stable, a groom, and a significant springer spaniel. I can send them away.

CHEVALIER

No no, stay. I cannot upset the Baroness. The poor mad creature.

CRISPIN

Don’t you think Madame Patin—

CHEVALIER

The coach is handsome?

CRISPIN

It’s a bed on wheels.

CHEVALIER

The poor Baroness. And the steeds?

CRISPIN

Such a free and easy air they sport. You’ve never seen anything like them.

CHEVALIER

A desperate, lonely soul. Relay to her my most heartfelt thanks and tell her I’ll see her this afternoon.

CRISPIN

Without you? Nothing doing. She’ll sic the spaniel on me and ride off in the rig as fast as blazes if you don’t thank her in person.

CHEVALIER

Tell her I promise to see her later today.

CRISPIN

What makes you think my word is any good with her after breaking promises for you— oh, let’s see, six hundred times now,

CHEVALIER

I hear jingling. Madame Patin is back. Go do what I told you.

CRISPIN

If you want to keep the coach and horses, you’d better show.

CHEVALIER

Shut up, you dunce; I have to make a clean getaway first.

(MME PATIN and LISETTE enter)

MME PATIN

I have made you wait, sir, but please do not be offended at not finding me here. Since I am home only to you, I find it necessary to flee the pack of importunate visitors who feel they have a right to plague me all hours of the day. I have ordered my servants to slam the door in their faces, but they lack the force to do so. (Sighs) The house needs a man’s influence.

CHEVALIER

Dearest Madame Patin. My own dear Patina. The pain of waiting for you is more than compensated by the awesome splendor of seeing you here, larger than life. I would wait for you forever—as long as I knew you would appear.

MME PATIN

What a charmer you are! Lisette told me how you feared arousing suspicions by having her come and get me. You are a man of exquisite delicacy. But had she followed your orders, I’d have slapped her silly.

CHEVALIER

I was only thinking of how desolate your party would feel to lose your company.

MME PATIN

Just some gals playing cards. No rivals for you to fear.

CRISPIN

(low, to the Chevalier) The coach in the carriage house is starting to rust.

CHEVALIER

Be quiet.

MME PATIN

What was that?

CRISPIN

Just muttering under my breath, your grace.

MME PATIN

Let’s go to my room—we can get comfy, and such.

CRISPIN

(low) The steeds are switching their tails.

CHEVALIER

Will you shut up?

MME PATIN

Shall we, sir?

CRISPIN

GOODBYE

CARRIAGE!

MME PATIN

What is he going on about? What carriage?

CHEVALIER

Perhaps my harness-maker is waiting for me. Is that it, Crispin?

CRISPIN

Yes sir, and your new team awaits you as well.

CHEVALIER

Why didn’t you say so in the first place? I must beg your pardon, Patina my pet. I’ve just purchased a new carriage.

MME PATIN

Let me go with you. We can take a spin around the Tuilleries. Lisette, cancel the waxing—

CHEVALIER

Oh my lady, please consider…

MME PATIN

Consider what?

CHEVALIER

Oh my lady, please consider…

MME PATIN

You said that, honeybee.

CHEVALIER

Oh my lady, please consider…

MME PATIN

WHAT?

CHEVALIER

Please consider what society might make of your interest in my every little movement. Catching wind of you in my stables—that alone would blow the cover off what we feel for each other. And if the slightest bit of gossip were to bring down any painful remonstrations from your family or mine, I would just die, Patina.

CRISPIN

If my master were to be seen trying you out in the front seat—trying out the carriage with you in the front seat–it just wouldn’t be decent.

MME PATIN

Society folk sure are sensitive. I have so much to learn, Professor.

CRISPIN

The harnessmaker’s wife is a vicious gossip.

CHEVALIER

Indeed. There are repercussions, my lady, but I was too timid to broach them with you. Goodbye, my heart, I’ll be back in an instant; that is, if you will permit me to return.

MME PATIN

Goodbye then, my lord. Do not delay. Oh. Be sure to stop by the you-know-who for the you-know-what.

(THE CHEVALIER and CRISPIN exit)

MME PATIN

This corset is too tight.

LISETTE

My lady, that was a great hand you had. Was it worth leaving the game to be sacrificed to the Chevalier’s carriage?

MME PATIN

What a ninny you are, Lisette. A man’s impatience counts for a lot. I’ll bet he had that carriage made just for me. I hope he’s put his monogram on it. Did I bust a seam or something?

LISETTE

Hold still. Aristocrats a strange species. You may think this one’s your sweetheart, but you see how fast he ditched to pay his respects to a carriage. If he should ever become your husband, he’ll leave you at four in the a.m. to watch his horses get a rub-down.

MME PATIN

You don’t know what you’re talking about.

LISETTE

I’ll have to let out this skirt. Damn.

End Act One

ACT TWO

(LISETTE is alone. MONSIEUR SERREFORT enters)

LISETTE

At least tell her I tried to keep you out. She can’t stand the sight of you, and I don’t want her taking it out on me.

SERREFORT

When I finish reading her the riot act, she won’t have the strength to take anything out on anybody. Pulling these disastrous stunts all over town—she’s demented. If the court gets wind of this last one, they’ll invent an insanity tax just for her.

LISETTE

What are you talking about?

SERREFORT

Weren’t you with her this morning when she had that run-in in the street with a countess?

LISETTE

When did you hear about it?

SERREFORT

About fifteen minutes after it happened, and as soon as I finished hearing that one, Migaud came to warn me of her scheme to marry the Chevalier of Villefontaine.

LISETTE

Face it, sir, you’re going to have a lot of trouble controlling your sister-in-law today.

SERREFORT

I’ll do it, even if I have to burn money.

LISETTE

Be sure to yell real loud. And use that tone of authority you have. She may vilify you behind your back, but she’s too afraid of you to contradict you face to face.

(MME PATIN enters)

MME PATIN

What do you want?

LISETTE

I tried, my lady, but Monsieur Serrefort wouldn’t budge.

MME PATIN

Let’s make it quick.

SERREFORT

What kind of tone is that for a sister-in-law to take? Listen up—your hoity-toity airs don’t become you at all, and quite aside from my business with you, let me predict—

MME PATIN

Get me a chair, Lisette; I see Monsieur is going to put me to sleep.

SERREFORT

If you have even a shred of sense left in you, what I have to say should wake you up.

MME PATIN

Stop with the sermons, okay?

SERREFORT

If you listened to my sermons, you wouldn’t commit fresh follies every day!

MME PATIN

I don’t know why you take such a bizarre interest in my conduct.

SERREFORT

If not me, who then? You are the aunt of my daughter, the widow of Paul Patin, my brother, and I won’t have it said in the world that the widow of my brother and the aunt of my daughter is an utter lunatic.

MME PATIN

Lunatic? Show some respect, Monsieur Serrefort, or I’ll have you thrown out into the street.

SERREFORT

What needs throwing out is your highfaluting manners. Then you won’t be snubbed in the street like you were this morning.

MME PATIN

Snubbed only because people are under the mysterious impression that I am your sister- in-law! But you know what I’ll do, Monsieur Serrefort? I’ll have it advertised that since the onset of my widowed state, I am no longer your sister-in-law. I’ll renounce you, and from this moment on, even if my spending habits, my elegant manners, and all that I do or say each and every day can’t help me atone for the original sin of having been the wife of your brother, I’ll claim to—

SERREFORT

Atone? The name Patin is the best thing that ever happened to you. Where would you be now without my brother? Herding goats in Burgundy!

MME PATIN

Why you—

SERREFORT

And if it weren’t for the industry and economy of your poor late husband, you wouldn’t be in a position to ape the ridiculous manners of the day. I’d like to know why—

MME PATIN

Go on, buster.

SERREFORT

I’d like to know why it wouldn’t do you just as well to have a simple coach with olive upholstery, a tasteful monogram, a humble coachman dressed in brown, one lackey for opening the door, and a modest team of horses, rather than prancing about the city with a sumptuous retinue and arrogant horses spattering pedestrians with mud, all begging the question of who in the devil is this mysterious Queen of Sheba—you should renounce all this pomp that makes you scorned by people of quality, envied by your peers, and cursed by the rabble.

MME PATIN

I live according to my own ways. I am a poor widow all alone in the world, with only myself as a resource. What gives you the right to come here and lecture me? I could hardly stand that from a husband.

SERREFORT

When Monsieur Migaud is your husband, he will do as he pleases.

MME PATIN

If Monsieur Migaud is my husband, he’ll get used to my ways, or I’ll adjust to his. Is that the plan? Have you said everything? Will you leave, or shall I?

SERREFORT

I’ll go. Once these knots are tied, I shall darken your doorstep no more.

(SERREFORT exits)

LISETTE

What a boob, to go on and on like that.

MME PATIN

His role in life is to wear me out. How I loathe him! I won’t be satisfied until something absolutely desperate happens to him.

LISETTE

Once you’re his daughter’s mother-in-law, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to desperate him.

MME PATIN

His daughter’s mother-in-law! In your dreams, Lisette. I told you about the Chevalier.

LISETTE

Oh. Right.

MME PATIN

I can promise Serrefort anything he wants for the day after tomorrow. As of tomorrow, I’ll no longer be in a position to keep my word.

LISETTE

Because?

MME PATIN

Because the Chevalier and I have taken the necessary measures to get married at five o’clock tomorrow morning.

LISETTE

Tomorrow? Damn—Here’s your niece.

MME PATIN

Good god—the father, the daughter—the family might as well pitch a tent on my doorstep.

(LUCILE runs in)

LUCILE

I thought father would never leave. I’ve got something to tell you, Aunt Nannette, that will prove that I am for your interests as much as my father is against them.

MME PATIN

For, against, it’s all the same to me, my child.

LUCILE

I thought you’d care to hear what my father has found out.

MME PATIN

What’s that?

LUCILE

That you plan to marry a title. You won’t believe what he going to try to do to stop you.

MME PATIN

He didn’t let on that he knew. How could he find that out?

LISETTE

Maybe the Chevalier snitched. They’re such blabbermouths.

LUCILE

I’m just dying for you to get a title, Aunt Nannette.

MME PATIN

Any day now, my dear. (beat) Let me advise you that it’s never too early to begin treating me with the proper deference.

LUCILE

What do you mean, Aunt Nannette?

MME PATIN

First of all, no more “Aunt Nannettes.” Start calling me “My lady.” Or you can stay at home with your folks.

LUCILE

But if you are my aunt, why should I have to call you anything else?

MME PATIN

Because if I become a woman of quality, and you don’t, I shall decline to be your aunt.

LUCILE

You would be mistaken then, my lady. You see, I’m about to get a title too.

MME PATIN

You what

LUCILE

I need only say yes to become at least as great a lady as you. Maybe greater.

MME PATIN

I beg your pardon?

LUCILE

I’m engaged to the dreamiest courtier I know. I’ve seen him in the Tuilleries.

MME PATIN

What is his title?

LUCILE

He is the Marquise de Guerets. And he’s rich to boot. That’s what he says.

LISETTE

What about Horace?

LUCILE

Horace Migaud is a turnip.

MME PATIN

I must say, my niece, it pleases me that, despite your hideous upbringing, you have defied your parents and succeeded in remaining my relative.

LUCILE

Might you do me a little favor then? Obtain your title as soon as possible. That will serve as precedent for my marriage; and when my father attempts to wage war against me, all I have to say to him is “I’ve done no worse than my aunt.”

LISETTE

Example is a terrible thing.

LUCILE

But hurry! The Marquise de Guerets is an impatient lover.

MME PATIN

Well, my niece, let me confide in you. I’m getting married at five in the morning.

LUCILE

Tomorrow morning?

MME PATIN

At five. If my example is any encouragement, you may now set your date.

LUCILE

I’ll write to the Marquise immediately. Adieu, dear aunt.

MME PATIN

Adieu, my niece.

(LUCILLE exits)

MME PATIN

Lisette, Lucile’s engagement is just the thing to desperate her father. Now, if only her parents died of chagrin, the world would be rid of two desperately horrible bores.

LISETTE

You’re going to help her?

MME PATIN

In any way I can.

LISETTE

Noblesse oblige.

MME PATIN

That, and Serrefort will hit the ceiling.

(THE CHEVALIER enters)

CHEVALIER

My lady, am I not the very pattern of diligence?

MME PATIN

However briefly you have tarried, I find moments without you long indeed, and my impatience—

CHEVALIER

—is nothing compared to mine, sweet Patina; do me the honor, I beg of you, of believing that I only live for as long as I am near to you.

MME PATIN

How inestimably gracious you are to—

LISETTE

(to audience) Jesus, these two can go on like this for hours. Let’s pray for an interruption.

MME PATIN

Lisette, tell everyone below that I’m not at home to anybody this afternoon.

LISETTE

Yes, my lady.

MME PATIN

And protect us from all intruders.

LISETTE

(to audience) I suppose I can rustle one up myself.

(LISETTE exits)

MME PATIN

Oh darling, are you happy with your horsies ?

CHEVALIER

I’m taking the coach out tonight; and if it’s to your liking, then it—and I—shall lack for nothing.

MME PATIN

Did you go to the notary?

CHEVALIER

He wasn’t there, so I left a note.

(LISETTE enters, trying to keep THE BARONESS out)

LISETTE

No, your grace, no—

BARONESS

Let me by, hussy. Your mistress is always home to me.

CHEVALIER

Lisette can’t follow the simplest instructions—someone else is barging in.

(THE BARONESS enters)

CHEVALIER

(aside) Holy hell, it’s my Baroness.

LISETTE

I couldn’t just grab her, and neither the doorman nor I could convince her that you weren’t at home.

MME PATIN

And why would you tell her I wasn’t at home?

LISETTE

But you said—

MME PATIN

I am always at home for a Baroness.

LISETTE

Not even—

MME PATIN

I must beg your pardon, my lady.

BARONESS

Don’t make me say it, dear, but you’re an utter beast. What—The Chevalier de Villefontaine? What are you doing here?

CHEVALIER

And you, my lady, what stroke of fortune finds you…

MME PATIN

(to Lisette) They know each other.

BARONESS

I came one last time, dear, to ask for your help as a character witness in my lawsuit, but I was hardly expecting to find the Chevalier de Villefontaine in your drawing room. What is he doing here?

MME PATIN

My lady, how to put this—

CHEVALIER

(to Mme Patin) Oh my lady, you must press the Baroness’s trials to your inmost bosom as if they were my very own. Nothing could please me more. (to the Baroness) You see how I take an interest in your affairs, my sweet.

MME PATIN

(to the Chevalier) This is an incomprehensible muddle.

BARONESS

(to the Chevalier) What was that supposed to mean?

MME PATIN

I don’t quite understand what business it is of yours, my lady, how or where the Chevalier spends his afternoons, nor by what motive.

BARONESS

What motive? What are you suggesting?

CHEVALIER

(to the Baroness) Madame, please. (To Mme Patin) May none of this astonish you. The Baroness is a noblewoman who- (to B) She’s my first cousin. —(to P) Esteems me a hundred times greater than I merit. (to B) I’m her heir. (to P) She’s funny that way. (to B) Don’t mention our marriage. (to P) I am sincerely grateful that she looks after me. (to B) She’d only stand in our way. (to P) And since she has particular ideas about my fortune and my settling down, she is afraid my wishes will run contrary to hers.

BARONESS

That is my motive.

MME PATIN

Please forgive me, your excellence.

BARONESS

Don’t be silly, girl. Just tell me, what are his dealings with you?

MME PATIN

Dealings? What are you suggesting?

CHEVALIER

(to the Baroness) Can the Baroness possibly be ignorant of the fact that the salon of Madame Patin is the most illustrious rendezvous in Paris? (to Mme Patin) She’s a preposterous loon. (to B) And that her acquaintance is a prerequisite for a decent reputation (to P) Say nothing of our plan. (to B) And that my reputation was in tatters until I came under her tutelage? (to P) With a secret she’s incontinent. (to B) And that I do all that I can to repay her many kindnesses, and that is why I am here.

MME PATIN

That is the nature of our dealings.

BARONESS

Now it is I who must demand pardon.

CHEVALIER

Please, ladies, let us indulge no further in dreary explanations. I beg you to remain friends for love of me. Let the one who esteems me more open her arms to her sister.

(There is a collision as the two smack into each other)

BARONESS

I am your servant.

MME PATIN

I am your servant’s servant.

CHEVALIER

Why don’t we discuss your lawsuit, my lady?

MME PATIN

(To the Baroness) It pains me to say that I’ve been informed that you haven’t got a case.

BARONESS

I don’t know where you’ve been getting your information. Monsieur the Chevalier can vouch for its worth; he knows all its ins and outs. Tell her, sir.

CHEVALIER

You have so many lawsuits pending that I hardly know to which one you refer. I only know that they are all shrouded in mitigating circumstances that I only half- remember.

BARONESS

I shall let you be the judge, my lady. The case was brought into action just before the Battle of Pavia. My great-grandfather, who led a regiment, was killed in the battle. If he were still alive, I’d be certain to win my case. So you see (she notices Lisette laughing) What’s so funny? Your chambermaid is a perfect horror, my dear. She’s not showing the proper reverence for my ancestors.

LISETTE

I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting them.

BARONESS

Out of consideration for your betters, you—

MME PATIN

You may go, Lisette. (LISETTE exits) Go on, dear. I’m just dying to hear the rest of the case.

BARONESS

Where was I? Refresh my memory, monsieur.

CHEVALIER

The Battle of Pavia.

(CRISPIN enters)

CRISPIN

(to the Chevalier) Pssssst.

BARONESS

Oh yes, the Battle of Pavia. (Trying to remember) Here’s the long and short of it, my dear. I have a windmill. It’s my windmill, and I’m legally forbidden to use it, to make the thingamabobs turn, to grind…uh, things, to do…what it is that windmills do? I only ask for the peaceful restitution of my windmill—is that so wrong?

MME PATIN

It’s no longer in your possession then?

BARONESS

Not for a hundred and fifty years.

CRISPIN

Psssst.

MME PATIN

Your suit is 150 years old?

BARONESS

It is. About 150 years ago, the grandfather of my opponent had an ornamental hedge planted in front of my country estate.

CHEVALIER

(to Crispin) What do you want?

BARONESS

Out of pure spite, he had that hedge planted to block my view, and well that villain knew that over time, a great forest would grow from those little acorns.

MME PATIN

You mean hedge.

CRISPIN

Psssst.

BARONESS

And to retaliate, I had an abandoned mill rebuilt.

CRISPIN

I have to speak to you.

BARONESS

And since this mill is older than the forest of my opponent, and this forest—here’s the crux of the matter—and this forest…

MME PATIN

Really my lady, I haven’t a head for legal affairs, but I will be sure to offer my support for your cause to Monsieur Migaud should an opportunity arise.

BARONESS

Why don’t we go see him right now? My carriage is below.

MME PATIN

I’m dead on my feet.

BARONESS

But my case is to be tried in the morning.

CHEVALIER

The readiness is all, ladies. (to Mme Patin) I order you to accompany the Baroness to Monsieur Migaud’s. If you don’t get her out of here, we’ll have to postpone our wedding for another day.

MME PATIN

Why?

CHEVALIER

Why ask why? Go!

MME PATIN

You’ll wait for me here?

CHEVALIER

Standing at attention.

MME PATIN

(to the Baroness) Let us take our leave.

CHEVALIER

Hurry it up.

MME Patin

Coming?

BARONESS

Right behind you, dear.

(They exit.)

(LISETTE enters.)

LISETTE

(aside) What could Crispin possibly want this time? There’s only one way to find out.

(She hides to eavesdrop)

CHEVALIER

My God, they’ve worked my last nerve. An now what are you on fire about?

CRISPIN

This letter explains everything. The porter says it’s financial.

CHEVALIER

Let’s see it. Give it to me. Is that it?

CRISPIN

No.

CHEVALIER

What’s that in your hand then?

CRISPIN

It’s a list of all your conquests—names, addresses, distinguishing features. Jeannette and I compiled it in the Tuilleries the other day.

CHEVALIER

Are you insane? Rip that up.

CRISPIN

I don’t think so. When it’s open season again, this will save us a lot of legwork.

CHEVALIER

The letter then.

CRISPIN

Here it is. No wait, that’s the poem you ordered for the Baroness the other day. You gave the poet your old hunting jacket for it.

CHEVALIER

You imbecile. Where is today’s letter?

CRISPIN

Excuse me, here it is. It’s addressed to the Marquise de Guérets.

CHEVALIER

It’s from my luscious brunette. (He reads)

“You demonstrate such a longing to meet, that I have decided to satisfy your curiosity. I’m waiting for you in the Tuilleries, with a thousand things to tell you. Do not fail to meet me there. Adieu.”

CRISPIN

Where to now?

CHEVALIER

I have to find her.

CRISPIN

You promised to wait for Madame Patin.

CHEVALIER

Don’t worry. I’ll get back here before she does. And if not—well, let me leave her a not. That poem you sent to the Baroness?

CRISPIN

Yes.

CRISPIN

Where to now?

CHEVALIER

I have to find her.

CRISPIN

You promised to wait for Madame Patinn.

CEHVALIER

Don’t worry. I’ll get back here before she does. And if not—well, let me leave her a note. That poem you sent to the Baroness?

CRISPIN

Yes.

CHEVALIER

Give it to Madame Patin.

CRISPIN

That makes woman number eight. Stop the madness.

CHEVALIER

Do you know what would happen if I had to order up something fresh for every woman I meet?

CRISPIN

Your wardrobe would be fresh out of jackets—and shirts—and pants—and cravats—and— If that poet had sold the poem as many times as you’ve sent it, he’d own a house in the Place de Ville.

CHEVALIER

Wait for Madame Patin and give her this.

CRISPIN

I’m tired of hanging around. Leave it with Lisette. She’s been skulking about.

CHEVALIER

No, you stay.

CRISPIN

I want to meet your luscious brunette. I’m as curious as the next guy. Maybe she has a sister.

(Lisette coughs and appears)

CHEVALIER

Dear Lisette, I just remembered I have an urgent matter to attend to—it cannot wait.

LISETTE

Really? That’s the fifth one today.

CHEVALIER

If your mistress returns before I do, give her this note.

LISETTE

She’ll bust another seam.

CRISPIN

Don’t bother reading it.

LISETTE

I am utterly lacking in curiosity. Plus, I can’t read.

(They exit)

LISETTE

Much. (She starts)

“List of my master’s conquests. Names, addresses, distinguishing features.”

(Skimming, mumbling names) “Sidesaddle Cécile?” “Marie the Muff?” This is a feast.

End Act Two

ACT THREE

(LISETTE and MONSIEUR MIGAUD are in conversation)

LISETTE

Sir, my lady isn’t the only one to be stricken with court-itis. Lucile has followed her aunt’s example. She’s flouncing about town with her hair up. She claims she’s planning a clandestine marriage with a Marquess. Madame must be de-infatuated.

MIGAUD

At once! I’m worried that Horace won’t win Lucile over.

LISETTE

Her father will set her straight when he finds out what’s going on. Provided you keep her in chains for two or three months, I don’t think you or Horace have anything to worry about.

MIGAUD

I’m more afraid of what happens after the wedding. A young wife whose will has been thwarted can fall into terrible irregularities of conduct. The worst possible situation is when the husband dotes on a wife who loves another man.

LISETTE

I can’t argue you with you there. But for the time being, the essential thing is to cure Madame Patin of her maladie d’amour. I’ve got some hard evidence against the Chevalier that won’t fail to alarm even her.

MIGAUD

Better to attack her from all sides–I can embroil the Chevalier in some shady business deals.

LISETTE

I hear her coming. Stay in there until I tell her you’re here.

(MIGAUD exits and MME PATIN enters)

MME PATIN

Where is the Chevalier, Lisette? Did he say anything while I was gone? What has happened to him?

LISETTE

He hit the pavement as soon as you turned you left.

MME PATIN

What? I only left on his orders; he promises to wait, and now he’s gone!

LISETTE

Are gentlemen like the Chevalier made to sit still? A trustworthy, sensible man like Monsieur Migaud, who has come to speak with you, couldn’t be budged until he heard that you had returned.

(MIGAUD appears and bows to MME PATIN)

MME PATIN

I was just at your office, sir. And I was quite annoyed to find you away from your desk.

MIGAUD

Had I known beforehand that you would grace me with your presence, I would have tarried, but I happened to be entertaining a countess…

MME PATIN

Entertaining a countess, sir? Ooh, which one? It seems to me that service people like yourself should be either at the office or in court, occupied solely in advocating for their clients. Not sucking up to a countess! What was she wearing?

MIGAUD

Our clients don’t occupy us completely. Time must be made for social engagements. After this particular rendezvous, I’d like to pass on some advice that concerns you. Your name came up.

MME PATIN

With the countess? What did she say about me? Tell me!

MIGAUD

You had some fracas in your carriage this morning with a Countess named Dorimène?

MME PATIN

Who told you that story? Hold on—this isn’t the Countess you were talking to?

MIGAUD

Yes.

MME PATIN

And you’ve just come from visiting her?

MIGAUD

I have.

MME PATIN

Then you can just turn yourself around and run back to her, if you please. Your Dorimène is the template of vulgarity. I find it peculiar that you spend time with her and then come rub it in my face.

MIGAUD

My visit was to oblige you, my lady. I know her; she has a nasty streak. If she feels you’ve offended her, she’ll be only too delighted to smear your name in society.

MME PATIN

Indeed, sir? Am I a woman to smear?

MIGAUD

There is nothing more popular today than to ridicule those who least deserve it. But there are worse things to fear than ridicule.

MME PATIN

What have I to fear?

MIGAUD

Everything. Your superior soul and your personal magnificence make people jealous. Your global resplendence is backed by a stupefying fortune that enrages everyone. One would only have to dig a little into your background, your late husband’s business practices, a certain flock of goats in Burgundy, etcetera, to disrupt your tranquility. The results of such malicious research are invariable, infallible, precipitous downfalls.

MME PATIN

Your countess could no more cause my downfall than she could make me move my carriage this morning.

MIGAUD

I have already used what little power I have with her.

MME PATIN

Let her rant and rage! I also have a tongue in my head.

MIGAUD

Hers is forked. She’s a cobra, and the venom she spreads takes no prisoners. It’s up to you to supply the antidote.

MME PATIN

I repeat—what am I to do?

MIGAUD

Visit her and pay your respects.

MME PATIN

Pay my respects to that gutbucket? Are you out of your mind?

MIGAUD

Then send a third party—a mutual acquaintance with more powers of persuasion.

MME PATIN

How happy I am to say we have no friends in common.

MIGAUD

Hmm…it shouldn’t be too difficult to find someone who can influence the Chevalier de Villefontaine.

MME PATIN

Villefontaine? What?

MIGAUD

He governs her. Absolutely.

MME PATIN

The chevalier is in love with the Countess?

MIGAUD

The other way around. The Chevalier suffers her tender attentions long enough to have her back his checks.

MME PATIN

(a wail) Lisette?

MIGAUD

I find it hard to believe, given his reputation with the ladies, that one of your friends wouldn’t be in his thrall. From what I hear tell, at least five or six have entered into some form of engagement with him—for some sort of marriage.

MME PATIN

Lisette!

MIGAUD

An interesting character indeed to juggle five or six nuptial contracts at any one time. Depending on his balance sheet, he promises each in turn that he will marry her. One takes care of his horses, another his gambling debts, this one underwrites the tailor’s bills, the other the furniture and the rent. He has a mistress in charge of every liability. He’s the only one who can appease the Countess and spare you any damaging slander—l believe she takes care of his laundry. Don’t fail to mend the breach, I beg you. It’s critical.

(MIGAUD exits)

MME PATIN

Do you think it’s possible, Lisette, that the Chevalier is as much of a knave as Migaud would have me believe?

LISETTE

That’s not what passes for knavery today. As far as society goes, he’s gentility itself.

MME PATIN

Migaud hasn’t a clue I know him.

LISETTE

If he thought you did, he would have never spoken so freely.

MME PATIN

Then the Chevalier is cheating on me! And I’m just one of the five or six he’s engaged to!

LISETTE

One more pearl on his choker. Oh—here’s a note from him. I wasn’t about to hand it to you in front of Migaud.

MME PATIN

Let’s see. (She reads) Oh Lisette, this is why he went away. He must have been too shy to give this to me in person.

LISETTE

What is it?

MME PATIN

He wrote me the most touching poem imaginable. Migaud is a dirty scandalmonger, and the Chevalier has given me a thousand proofs of his gallantry.

LISETTE

What did I tell you?

MME PATIN

What’s the other paper?

LISETTE

It fell out of that moron Crispin’s jacket. It’s rather amusing—I saved it for your entertainment.

MME PATIN

“List of my master’s conquests; names, addresses, distinguishing features” Entertain me, Lisette? You have a sick sense of humor.

LISETTE

Keep reading. It gets better.

MME PATIN

The beginning wasn’t so funny. “Countess Dorimène the Tittle-Tattler.” Dorimène! Dorimène! That’s my countess. Migaud was right. A chair, Lisette, I can’t bear it.

LISETTE

I didn’t think these trifles would upset you, my lady. If you’re so sensitive, don’t read the rest.

MME PATIN

No! I want to know all his love affairs. Each will drive a stake in my love to hate him— drive a stake in my heart to kill him—drill a hole in my hate to—you know what I mean, Lisette.

LISETTE

Say no more. Keep reading.

MME PATIN

“The Mushmouthed Marquess, Betisy Street, the Picardy Hotel”-Traitor! “Simpering Silvanetta, rue Montorgueil”—I’ll kill myself!

“Luscious Lucinda, the Court Pump”— I despise him! “Boom-Boom the Butcher’s Wife”—I detest him! “Sophie the Slut, parts unknown”—He’s a monster!

“The Oblong Duchess, rue de Plâtre”—That’s it! No more!

LISETTE

You forgot “Sidesaddle Cécile” and “Marie The Muff!”

MME PATIN

Enough!

LISETTE

I hear him coming!

MME PATIN

Where are you going?

LISETTE

I’m going to give him the gate.

MME PATIN

No. Let him come in, Lisette.

(THE CHEVALIER and CRISPIN enter)

CRISPIN

(to the Chevalier) The Baroness is getting antsy, I tell you.

CHEVALIER

Time enough for everything. There you are, my pet. I’ve been dying to see you.

MME PATIN

Really? Who did you tear yourself away from? Simpering Silvanetta? Boom-Boom the Butcher’s Wife?

LISETTE

Don’t forget Sidesaddle Cécile and Marie the Muff.

CHEVALIER

What do mean, my lady?

MME PATIN

What do I mean, devil!

CRISPIN

Oh no!

MME PATIN

Crispin knows what I mean, don’t you? Come here.

CRISPIN

My lady?

MME PATIN

You heard me. Do you recognize this handwriting?

CRISPIN

My lady, I have this little errand to run for my master—It won’t take but a minute.

MME PATIN

No, you have to explain yourself first.

CHEVALIER

Explain yourself yourself, my lady. What’s that piece of paper?

MME PATIN

Crispin can fill you in better than I can.

CRISPIN

Master…

CHEVALIER

Speak, jackal!

CRISPIN

Master, it’s a list of your mistresses…

LISETTE

With their addresses and most important parts.

CHEVALIER

A list of my mistresses?

LISETTE

With their addresses and—

CHEVALIER

Silence!

MME PATIN

Scoundrel!

CHEVALIER

Who made you pen these absurdities?

CRISPIN

I told you—it was Jeannette.

MME PATIN

Who is Jeannette?

LISETTE

Another mistress, I suppose. Jeannette the Juicy, Jeannette the Jiggly—

CRISPIN

The devil take me, but she’s the flower seller at the gate of the Tuilleries.

MME PATIN

The dumpy wretch with the lazy eye?

CRISPIN

Ah, but underneath! Jeannette is one of the most enchanting creatures known to man. You have to know how she spends her time, and just how many of the most fashionable women in the city are delighted to have Jeannette working in their interests. She manages, all by herself, more intrigues than the English have the pox.

MME PATIN

What is all this gibberish?

CRISPIN

All by way of saying, your highness, that Jeannette is a good friend of my master’s and that, since we like a good laugh, I’m one of her friends, and that, the other day, as I mentioned, we cobbled together this list of women who exist only in our imagination. Jeannette’s and mine, that is.

MME PATIN

As witness for the defense, not bad Crispin. So, Countess Dorimène the Tittle- Tattler is a complete fiction, and this is just a harmless pastime for Crispin. Am I right, dearest?

CHEVALIER

No. I know Lady Dorimène, and perhaps each one of these women committed to paper. He has even left some of them out, but they are not my mistresses. And since the list pains you so grievously, I think it is time for Crispin to justify his actions…

CRISPIN

Me, sir?

CHEVALIER

Yes, you idiot. Take pains to tell my lady just why it is that I visit these other women.

CRISPIN

Oh, but you’re such a better explainer.

CHEVALIER

No, dig yourself out or it’s a hundred lashes.

CRISPIN

But what should I say?

CHEVALIER

Go on, my lady. Read.

MME PATIN

Oh Lisette. He sounds so sincere.

LISETTE

Sincerity masks the foulest toads.

CHEVALIER

Interrogate him, my lady! What is holding you back?

MME PATIN

Oh honey, you could be innocent, I just don’t know.

LISETTE

(in Mme Patin) The Mushmouthed Marquess.

MME PATIN

Yes, this Mushmouthed Marquess in the Picardy Hotel? What merits has she to attract you?

CHEVALIER

Enlighten her.

CRISPIN

She’s not asking me.

CHEVALIER

ANSWER her.

CRISPIN

My mind’s a blank.

CHEVALIER

If you don’t—

CRISPIN

The Marquess is a drooling maniac. With no teeth. You can’t understand a word she says. My master visits her out of sympathy. And feeds her porridge.

(Pause)

MME PATIN

Sympathy is an admirable quality.

LISETTE

And Luscious Lucinda the court coquette—

MME PATIN

Is it for sympathy’s sake that he visits her?

CRISPIN

Oh, I wouldn’t say he visits her. He sort of finds her on the corner outside Rousseau’s tavern when he’s half-cocked. They have a rowdy time of it, believe you me.

CHEVALIER

Are you crazy?

CRISPIN

Well, she asked. (To Patin) Luscious means she’s a lush. She really should be called Lushy Lucinda. Have you a pencil?

MME PATIN

And the Oblong Duchess? What type of arrangement does he have with her?

CRISPIN

He only sees her out of admiration.

MME PATIN

Admiration?

CRISPIN

Admiration. Forty years ago she was thirty. Today she’s only thirty-two. Her secrets for aging gracefully are staggering to behold.

MME PATIN

Your lackey has a very nimble brain, sir.

CRISPIN

My lady, I relate these things to you with a clear conscience.

MME PATIN

I’d like to believe you’re innocent, since you’re trying so hard.

CHEVALIER

I won’t have it, my lady. I shall not abuse your indulgence. If my behavior is criminal, I must be punished. Examine the length and breadth of my conduct. Appearances are against me, I admit. For two entire months, I have forbidden myself all the pleasure outings proposed to me; I have endeavored only to see you, to love you, and to tell you so. I have sworn it to you constantly; I have overcome the natural aversion that the young men of our century have for marriage. I have renounced all other society; I have broken with twenty more agreeable transactions; I have thrown the most bewitching women in France into despair. All of that is the work of a scoundrel. I am perfidious, it is true, but truer still, my lady, my pretty Patina, is the fact that it is all your fault.

MME PATIN

You are cruel, and I am helpless before you.

LISETTE

What a skunk.

(LABRIE enters)

LABRIE

Monsieur Guillemin the notary wishes to speak with you, my lady.

CHEVALIER

Send him away. I had told him to come when our hearts were still of one accord, but now our souls flee the dream of conjugal happiness.

MME PATIN

No, have him enter at once. I abandon myself to your will. If you are despicable enough to abuse me, you will be all the guiltier in the eyes of heaven. Come in sir, come in.

CHEVALIER

No, Monsieur Guillemin, I beg you to leave. This morning we drew up a marriage contract, but how was I to foresee this tragic turn of events. My lady has changed her mind. In an instant I have been tarred with the brush of slander. Because of my tiresome popularity with the fair sex, I now appear unworthy of her love.

GUILLEMIN

Your judgement is poor, my lady.

MME PATIN

Come into my study, Monsieur Guillemin. You too, Fancypants. We need to reach some agreement.

CHEVALIER

Exactly what I wish to avoid. What would you have me do with you and Monsieur in your study? What position should I take? What is there to say, really? That a young man of quality would hardly condescend to marry the widow of a financier without considerable gain in mind? That my endless, boundless, limitless, never- ending, incessant grueling passion for you would not shield me from the contempt of decent society. And that in the end, to justify myself at court, I’ll have to admit that you purchased me with your fortune. I shall not have these things bruited about, my lady, that is not in my character. I would rather be dead than to have my honor sullied in that manner.

GUILLEMIN

My lady is equally aware of the way the world operates. She loves you. Cupid himself will stare down the slander.

MME PATIN

Oh, dearest one, if my entire fortune could prove the extent of my passion, I only wish I had a thousand times more to prove my love a thousand more times.

GUILLEMIN

This is what it means to love.

CHEVALIER

Very well, Monsieur Guillemin, if my lady so wishes, let’s go into her study. Rewrite the contract to suit her specifications, and I shall sign it without even reading it.

GUILLEMIN

He is the picture of disinterest.

MME PATIN

You come too, darling.

CHEVALIER

Carry on without me, honeypot.

LABRIE

Your niece is at the door, my lady.

MME PATIN

Go quickly—she can’t see you here. I’ll get rid of her. Come back right away. Not that way, she’s out there. Take the back stairs.

CHEVALIER

(to Crispin) The Baroness awaits.

(They exit. LUCILE enters)

LUCILE

Aunt Nannette, I’ve come to tell you—who’s this?

MME PATIN

A notary come to draw up my marriage contract.

LUCILE

Can you do one for me too? (to her aunt) I met with my gentleman in question, and you won’t believe how my proposal excited him. He was over the moon—saw no obstacle—his passion exceeded mine—he’s even more impatient than I am—so I wanted to let you know.

MME PATIN

Well Lucile, I’m about to sign off with my gentleman in question. When that’s finished, I’ll return to compare notes.

(She exits with GUILLEMIN)

LISETTE

And I have to keep both rockets from going off. It’s time for the whole thing to blow.

LUCILE

Lisette, I’m the happiest girl in the world.

LISETTE

Enjoy it while you can. Your father will find out.

LUCILE

My father always insists that I please my aunt, so he’ll have nothing to say when he sees how I’ve done what she wants.

LISETTE

But if she marries a title, your father’s hopes for your fortunes are dashed.

LUCILE

But when I marry my own courtier, with his own title, who cares a fig for my aunt’s money?

LISETTE

Do you think a courtier stands any chance of being rich in this day and age? The hard- up ones are stooping to conquer, and the better-off ones are on the verge of ruin.

LUCILE

Money isn’t everything, Lisette, as long as he loves me.

LISETTE

Gallants today have very fickle hearts.

LUCILE

This one is different. He writes poetry. Poetry that rhymes.

LISETTE

Poetry, huh? Excuse me…

LUCILE

Here’s a poem he wrote for me right on the spot. Impromptu. Listen and measure the depth of his feelings for me. Actually, why don’t you read it aloud?

(THE BARONESS enters unseen)

BARONESS

I love verse. I have a feel for it.

LISETTE

The bewitching thing what I adore

Burns with the flames which on me light fire. But I feel I love her more

A thousand times—maybe higher.

(To audience) It sounds better in French. Trust me on this.

BARONESS

That’s my poem! The Chevalier wrote it for me!

LUCILE

What are you talking about? Who are you?

BARONESS

(ripping the paper out of Lisette’s hands) Curiosity killed the cat, you minx. I find it the height of rudeness to read aloud something that I left here accidentally. Give me back my poem!

LUCILE

Who is this blowsy old beldame?

BARONESS

And who are you, you nasty baggage?

LUCILE

Give me back that piece of paper.

BARONESS

I give you this? You’re quite the fresh piece of baggage to insist on having a poem intended for my eyes only.

LUCILE

Your eyes? You’re hardly of an age to inspire poetry. That poem was written for me.

BARONESS

Who is the trull?

LISETTE

Watch your mouth, she’s my mistress’s niece.

BARONESS

If she were Madame Patin herself, I wouldn’t find her any less insolent for stealing my poem.

LUCILE

Give me back my poem, you hag!

BARONESS

Shut your hole, guttersnipe, you’re breaking my eardrums!

(MADAME PATIN enters)

MME PATIN

What gives in here?

LISETTE

Just in time to break up a fight. Here, my lady, help me pull these cats apart.

MME PATIN

What’s the matter, my lady? What are you doing, Lucile?

LUCILE

Make her give me back my poem—or she’s going to be sorry.

BARONESS

Whip the daylights out of your niece, or I’ll do it myself.

MME PATIN

Shhh. Shhh. Calm yourself, my lady. What is the source of your disagreement?

LUCILE

I showed Lisette a poem that was written for me by my sweetheart, and this nutjob came out of nowhere and tore it out of my hands, saying it was written for her.

MME PATIN

Why get so carried away? Moderation becomes a young woman. And even if reason should give you the upper hand, why act like a fishwife about it?

BARONESS

What did you say? Reason give her the upper hand? She’s a brazen, bold-faced liar. This poem is an epic to my charms!

MME PATIN

And even were that so, is it becoming at your age and at your station to go to these extremes? Shouldn’t you blush to babble like this over some bad verse?

LUCILE

Bad verse? Bad verse? It’s the finest poem in all the world. You have only to read it to feel how I inspired it.

MME PATIN

Let’s see it then, my lady.

BARONESS

It shan’t leave my hands. I’ll recite it by heart.

The bewitching thing what I adore

Burns with the flames which on me light fire. But I feel I love her more

A thousand times—maybe even higher.

LUCILE

There you go, Aunt Nannette.

MME PATIN

So—you have the audacity to insist that this poem was written for you!

LUCILE

Am I not the bewitching thing?

BARONESS

You agree then that your niece is deluded.

MME PATIN

No. I agree that all three of us are big fat dupes. Here my lady.

BARONESS

Hold on. I gave those papers to the Chevalier yesterday.

MME PATIN

Who left them with me.

BARONESS

What an odd coincidence.

LUCILE

Well, I don’t know of whom you speak, but I watched the poem being written down with my own eyes. And I’ll come back with proof!

(LUCILE exits)

BARONESS

I shall hunt down the Chevalier, and when I find him, I shall remove his face.

(THE BARONESS exits)

MME PATIN

Oh Lisette. Cheating on both the Baroness and me—and perhaps that innocent child.

LISETTE

Oh, he’d cheat you all a thousand times—maybe even higher.

MME PATIN

I’m wretched, positively wretched. It’s lucky I haven’t signed the contract. Send the notary home. Then run to Serrefort to conclude my marriage with Migaud and let‘s hope I never hear that rotten little chiseler’s name mentioned again. And if he comes here, have the porter slam the door in his face.

End Act Three

ACT FOUR

(The CHEVALIER and CRISPIN are conversing)

CRISPIN

Such violence from the doorman. Madame Patin must know something.

CHEVALIER

You don’t have to be a sorcerer to figure that one out. The poem I wrote for the Baroness I gave to Madame Patin—

CRISPIN

And they’ve both found out.

CHEVALIER

Worse. They’ve been joined by a third, who was too scatterbrained to keep her poem to herself. My heavenly brunette.

CRISPIN

Not the same poem?

CHEVALIER

Of course. I haven’t ordered a new one for a couple of weeks. Who has the time?

CRISPIN

Which one spilled the beans?

CHEVALIER

The Baroness was foaming at the mouth when I found her.

CRISPIN

She’s a tough old carcass.

CHEVALIER

No kidding. I practically had to use leg irons. She howled like a banshee, and I howled a hundred times louder. You have to show them who’s boss. They like the rough stuff. After I took the edge off her fury—I explained my actions as best I could.

CRISPIN

Which she took like a baby, I’ll bet.

CHEVALIER

Actually, she had another wild fit. I finally found no other way to bring her to heel than to adopt an indifferent air.

CRISPIN

Catnip.

CHEVALIER

Catnip. We’re closer than ever.

CRISPIN

But what’s going to happen when she finds out about your marriage to Madame Patin?

CHEVALIER

What would you have me fear?

CRISPIN

How do I know ?

CHEVALIER

If it’s only a husband she wants to console her for the loss of me, she can marry you— with your permission.

CRISPIN

Well, as far as that department goes, I can be of as much service. Maybe more.

CHEVALIER

If my latest plan succeeds, you’ll get to choose between her and Madame Patin.

CRISPIN

Have a heart—I

CHEVALIER

Oh, Crispin… (he sighs)

CRISPIN

Ye-es.

CHEVALIER

I think I’m in love, Crispin. I who could never love.

CRISPIN

In love? Who with?

CHEVALIER

Guess.

CRISPIN

Your spicy little brunette.

CHEVALIER

My heavenly little brunette.

CRISPIN

When did she lose her spice? What are we doing here at Madame Patin’s then?

CHEVALIER

I have to wrestle her just like the Baroness, so that both wind up doing me a big favor.

CRISPIN

Only say the word and they shall be fleeced.

CHEVALIER

My brunette is an heiress, but of low birth.

CRISPIN

That’s not a problem.

CHEVALIER

Indeed, how delightful to raise her up. Her family will be only too happy—and generous–to sign her over to me.

CRISPIN

But how are Madame Patin and the Baroness going to help you out?

CHEVALIER

You didn’t see it straight off?

CRISPIN

No.

CHEVALIER

To make a good showing with her family, I need money, so those two old shipwrecks are going to set me up—each one to spite the other—which will then facilitate the conquest of my brunette.

CRISPIN

God, you’re good! (they start laughing)

CHEVALIER

Never was there such a man as I.

CRISPIN

I hear Madame Patin—on your marks.

CHEVALIER

Look sharp.

(Mme PATIN enters with LISETTE)

MME PATIN

Ah Monsieur, in good humor as ever, but I can’t imagine what you could have in mind to make you split your sides.

CHEVALIER

I beg your pardon, my lady, but I’m just brimming over. Do you remember that poem I gave to you a little while ago?

MME PATIN

What’s so funny about it?

CHEVALIER

The funny thing, my lady, is that four or five silly women have imagined themselves the recipients of my poem. Since you yourself were so kind as to praise it, I flattered myself that it wasn’t bad. So, I couldn’t keep myself from telling that to people. I must ask your pardon for that, my lady; ego is a weakness in people of quality. Anyway, someone took the poem, made copies of it, and in less than two hours, it had been turned into a popular song.

LISETTE

(aside) God, he’s good.

MME PATIN

(to Lisette) He’s unbelievable. (To the Chevalier) And are you pleased sir to hear how popular your verses have become? Are you enjoying your celebrity?

CHEVALIER

Aren’t you yourself delighted? As it was written for you, the honor is yours, not mine.

MME PATIN

You lying handcart of road apple!

CHEVALIER

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. Our friend the Baroness did her own little part in putting you in fashion. Oh, but she’s a difficult relation; my hopes of inheritance are dwindling.

LISETTE

(to Madame Patin) Slyboots. The Baroness is related to him, and I’m the Prince of Denmark.

MME PATIN

Let’s hear him out.

CHEVALIER

You can’t imagine where the fantasies of this old woman lead, and the scandal she’s making trying to get my designs to match hers.

CRISPIN

(aside) Literally worth his weight in gold.

CHEVALIER

I stopped by to ask her about a sum she had lent me, which I intended to return—so as to break with her forever, my lady. Simply to make conversation, I recited your poem: she found much to admire in it. She had me repeat it several times, and then to my astonishment, the old reptile had learned it by heart. She flew out of the house and went from neighbor to neighbor, to all her friends in fact, parading the poem in high society and claiming that I wrote it for her.

MME PATIN

Suppose he’s telling the truth, Lisette?

LISETTE

What a goose you are. That may cover the Baroness, but what about your niece?

CHEVALIER

It only gets better, my lady. I went to the Tuilleries, where I met up with five or six gallant wits. They’re as common as tulips there.

MME PATIN

And then?

CHEVALIER

Well, they told me that the Marquis of Guerets had given the poem to a young milliner, that the Abbot of Cluny had sent it to his favorite candle snuffer, that the Duke of Burgundy had honored his mistress with it, and that two of these poor silly women had, unfortunately for them, met up with the Baroness, where a most entertaining scene took place.

MME PATIN

Your gallants are spiteful wasters to joke about something like this.

CHEVALIER

But imagine the absurdity of these three women about to have a catfight over a silly madrigal. The righteousness of those two ninnies and the folly of our very own Baroness— doesn’t make you sick with laughter? Put yourself in their shoes.

MME PATIN

(to Lisette) I’m going to burst.

LISETTE

(to Mme Patin) Pull yourself together, my lady and give him the what-for!

CHEVALIER

You’re not laughing, my Patina.

CRISPIN

You’re not laughing, Lisette.

CHEVALIER

It is clear to me that it upsets you to have a poem written for you fall into the hands of the world. I am indiscreet to have made it public; on my honor, I beg a thousand pardons for this fatal lack of judgement. And I swear to you that the song I composed for these unhappy verses, my own version of the poem, will not suffer the same fate. You shall be the only one to hear it.

MME PATIN

You’ve made up a tune for it?

CHEVALIER

Another one of my little gifts. I entreat you to hear it. It is chock-full of the tenderness my heart feels only for you.

CRISPIN

(aside) Music soothes the savage beast.

CHEVALIER

(he sings his poem, repeating certain phrases) The bewitching thing what I adore, Burns with the flames which on me light fire. Did you notice the charm of this little passage? (sings) But I feel I love her more. Can you feel the love in this part? (sings) A thousand times more. You must admit that that is a very passionate thing. (sings) Maybe even higher. You say nothing. Your insensitivity to my chromatics tell me that you love me no more.

MME PATIN

Oh, you cruel cruel man, to what pain you have exposed me.

CHEVALIER

How do you mean?

MME PATIN

I was one of the women in that little scene you found so droll.

CHEVALIER

You?

MME PATIN.

The scene took place in this very room.

CHEVALIER

Oh, I shall die of this. Kill me now. To deal the fatal blow, you have only to tell me that you hate me as much as I deserve. Do it; I command you, darling; give me the supreme pleasure of convincing you of my love; let me expire at your feet for having compromised you so.

MME PATIN

Get up. Get up! O you cruel cruel man. Did you know that there is very little keeping me from becoming the wife of Monsieur Migaud?

CHEVALIER

Migaud? Migaud the lawyer? You married to a lawyer? I shall go tear his robe and wig in front of the very arms of justice, it shall be a bloody occasion—

MME PATIN

No no, my chevalier, leave him in peace; tis sorrow enough for him to lose me.

CHEVALIER

We have made a great escape, have we not?

MME PATIN

I suppose you could have consoled yourself in the arms of the Baroness.

CHEVALIER

Fie! Speak not to me of that woman. I have been focusing solely—and I swear this to you—upon returning her thousand pistoles. I have to repay her immediately. On my life, when that is done, I shall be free.

MME PATIN

Is that all? I’ve got the money in my office.

(LABRIE enters)

LABRIE

Monsieur Serrefort is coming.

MME PATIN

Heavens! What are we to do? Go wait with the notary—leave Crispin with me so I can let you know when I’ll be alone again.

CHEVALIER

Crispin, remain and wait upon my mistress’s pleasure.

CRISPIN

Will she give me the thousand pistoles?

CHEVALIER

Shut up, you boob.

MME PATIN

Take the back stairs. You remember.

CHEVALIER

Adieu, my pet.

(The CHEVALIER exits)

MME PATIN

(to Crispin) Stay right here. And keep quiet.

(SERREFORT enters)

SERREFORT

I was told you stopped by my office and wanted to speak with me.

MME PATIN

But I didn’t leave word to call on me here.

SERREFORT

No matter. I’m only too happy to chase you down. Besides which, I have something of my own to communicate as regards this morning’s embarrassment.

MME PATIN

This morning’s embarrassment? Didn’t you promise to keep your nose out of it?

SERREFORT

I had, except that I was informed of your altercation with the Countess.

MME PATIN

Yes, and that tacky mess has made me no amends.

SERREFORT

It’s up to you to make amends–without delay.

MME PATIN

I? I, the aggrieved party? You haven’t a clue to proper protocol. Tradesman. Accountant. Petty Bourgeois.

SERREFORT

(removing a paper from his pocket) I’ve taken care to draw up these articles of compromise for you.

MME PATIN

Articles of compromised? Who made you my agent anyway? Did you hear that, Lisette? Articles of compromise! Go on—let’s hear ‘em.

SERREFORT

Firstly, you are to present yourself at the Countess’s lodgings, modestly attired.

MME PATIN

Modestly?

SERREFORT

Yes, modestly. In a dress, to be sure, but with a shorter train than that to which you are accustomed.

MME PARTIN

I wouldn’t trim two inches of my train for all the countesses in the world.

SERREFORT

Having arrived at the Countess’s lodgings, you are to ask for her through the lackey standing guard.

MME PATIN

A lackey standing guard? Who does she think she is?

SERREFORT

While the aforementioned lackey goes to alert his mistress that you are in the antechamber, you are to remain standing-and silent—until it pleases the Countess to have you enter.

(swift pause)

MME PATIN

This means war!

SERREFORT

There is no other way to repair your blunder.

MME PATIN

Here is my reply to the Countess. (She makes a vulgar gesture)

SERREFORT

Your manners conform in every point to what I, and all of decent society, have heard of them.

MME PATIN

You have spies who examine my conduct?

SERREFORT

Who needs spies? You’re a laughingstock, a target of ridicule, and I won’t have it said that you led my daughter into the same state of lunacy with some sort of marquess, who for all I know is as penniless as your gigolo chevalier, and that her father accepted it all without retaliation.

MME PATIN

Are you suggesting that I’m a lunatic? I defy you, you miserable bean counter!

SERREFORT

I will come back day and night; I will lay siege to your house and mine, and if anyone gets in, I will hurl them out the windows, so that the rooms don’t stink of eau de marquis or chevalier.

MME PATIN

Start walking before I push you down the stairs. That’s right—one flat foot in front of the other and don’t look back.

SERREFORT

Adieu, Madame Patin.

MME PATIN

Adieu, Monsieur Serrefort.

SERREFORT

You shall have news from me, Madame Patin.

MME PATIN

I shan’t care to receive it, Monsieur Serrefort.

SERREFORT

Adieu, Madame Patin.

MME PATIN

Adieu, Monsieur Serrefort.

(SERREFORT exits)

MME PATIN

Did you ever see anything so bizarre? Tooth and nail that man works to persecute me, Lisette. What did I ever do to him? Crispin!

(CRISPIN enters)

CRISPIN

My lady?

MME PATIN

Run tell your master that I won’t be able to see him until ten o’clock, but that he shouldn’t fail to meet me on the dot.

CRISPIN

Is there anything else you’d like me to tell him, my lady?

MME PATIN

No, hurry. I don’t like to keep him waiting.

CRISPIN

It seems to me, my lady, that the sooner those one thousand pistoles are returned to the Baroness, the better.

MME PATIN

I’ll have them all ready for him at 10 o’clock.

CRISPIN

I could always take them to him now, if you like.

MME PATIN

Tell him he shan’t leave my thoughts until I see him again.

CRISPIN

And so I shall, my lady.

(LISETTE and MME PATIN exit)

CRISPIN

Well, with no cash to carry, I don’t exactly have to hop like a bunny. Now where are we? Here is Monsieur Ie Chevalier de Villefontaine about to score 1000 pistoles off Madame Patin and just as much from the old Baroness—no harm done there. But all in the service of making off with a young girl—now, that’s a little shady. The long arm of the law is sure to reach into this business, and someone will have to hang for it. The boss will slip out of the plot—like a greased weasel—so you can bet that yours truly will take the rap and swing. (Pause) It’s not looking too good for me. Maybe it’s time I pulled out. On the other hand, who knows, maybe some great stroke of fortune will knock from another direction, one I wasn’t expecting. If the Baroness wants a husband, I could steam her sheets as well as any other man, and she could always marry me out of spite. Stranger things have happened. I wouldn’t be the first footman who pulled the rug out from under his master’s feet. He’ll surely blow when he finds out I didn’t get the 1000 pistoles. Off we go—then I’ll see what it is I have to do.

End Act Four

ACT FIVE

(LISETTE and SERREFORT are in conversation)

SERREFORT

Don’t worry, Lisette. Madame Patin will never know of your part in this.

LISETTE

I thought she was joking at first, but when I saw she was serious…

SERREFORT

You were right to come to me. You’re saving her a lot of distress.

LISETTE

What a surprise for them to find you at their wedding.

SERREFORT

Without an invitation.

LISETTE

You aren’t the only obstacle I’ve thrown in their path. There’s a Baroness with a lawsuit—

SERREFORT

Not the one with the windmills?

LISETTE

The same. She’s also in love with your sister-in-law’s Chevalier. One of my cronies is her solicitor, and I’ve kept him up to date, so I can guarantee she’ll be there with bells on.

SERREFORT

What a find you are.

LISETTE

Now go hide in my chamber until they come back with the notary.

SERREFORT

That poor deluded fool.

LISETTE

Save your pity for now. She’s been working hard to bring you down. She expects your daughter to follow her example.

SERREFORT

I’ll straighten Lucile out. Madame Patin is a plague upon a good bourgeois family.

LISETTE

I think I hear her now. Here’s the key to my room, don’t fall asleep. (SERREFORT exits)

(MME PATIN enters)

MME PATIN

Now where is he? Any word?

LISETTE

You told him to come at ten.

MME PATIN

I don’t know why I’m so nervous.

LISETTE

It’s only nine.

MME PATIN

Serrefort is to blame. Without that animal butting in, the Chevalier would already be here. And he wouldn’t have had the time to cheat on me again

LISETTE

It’ll be hard to get used to a man like that, my lady. You’ll have to keep him under lock and key.

MME PATIN

I won’t worry so much after we’re married. Until then, he is safe from no woman. Any news from my niece?

LISETTE

No, my lady.

MME PATIN

I wish she’d get here with her gallant. I’d love a double wedding. I can’t decide what makes me happier–marrying the Chevalier or ruining Serrefort. But who’s this? The Baroness at this hour? Good God, will I never be rid of her?

(The BARONESS enters)

LISETTE

(aside) Already?

BARONESS

All alone, my dear? Where’s Monsieur le Chevalier?

MME PATIN

Monsieur Ie Chevalier doesn’t live here, if that’s who you’re looking for.

BARONESS

I have some business with you.

MME PATIN

This is hardly the hour for solicitations.

BARONESS

This is not about my windmill. (to Lisette) Run along, child, go outside and see whether I have been followed.

MME PATIN

What do you mean? Lisette, stay here with me.

BARONESS

Coward! What are you afraid of?

(The Baroness draws two swords)

MME PATIN

My lady, have you come to assassinate me?

LISETTE

This isn’t funny, your grace.

BARONESS

Leave us, girl—or I’ll slice off your ears. As for you, madame, choose your weapon.

MME PATIN

Draw a sword? Why?

BARONESS

To kill me, if you can.

MME PATIN

I don’t want to kill anyone.

BARONESS

But I want to kill you.

MME PATIN

What on earth have I done to merit your bloodlust?

BARONESS

(brandishing her sword) What have you done? What have you done?

MME PATIN

Lisette, keep her away from me.

LISETTE

I’ll try.

BARONESS

You have stolen the Chevalier from me, he belongs to me as much as the mill of my ancestors. En garde!

MME PATIN

Do you mean it’s the Chevalier de Villefontaine who has curdled your brains ?

BARONESS

Surrender him or die!

LISETTE

Watch out, she’s mighty sturdy.

BARONESS

If you renounce your claims upon him, I may spare your life.

MME PATIN

Lisette! How do we get her out of here? She’s insane!

BARONESS

Enough shilly-shally! En garde!

MME PATIN

I’m dying! Help! Assassin! Help!

LISETTE

(to Baroness) You can’t be serious, my lady.

BARONESS

Low thing!

LISETTE

Hand me that sword.

BARONESS

Gross soul!

MME PATIN

Jasmin! Labrie! Lafleur! Lajonquille! Lapensee! Help!

LISETTE

(to Baroness) Why brawl, my lady, lay down the sword.

(LABRIE enters)

LABRIE

What’s happening?

MME PATIN

Oh my dear dear children, please push this woman down the stairs.

BARONESS

The first one to touch me gets two blades in the chest.

(Labrie and Lisette manage to subdue the Baroness)

MME PATIN

I’ll let you go now, quietly. Take the staircase.

BARONESS

Ignorant commoner. You don’t even have the class to test your strength with a Baroness!

MME PATIN

Generations of inbreeding have made you lose your marbles!

LISETTE

Shhhh. No more noise, my lady. That’s right. Shhhh.

BARONESS

She wants to be a woman of quality, and yet she refuses to duel. When the Chevalier finds out about this, he’ll change his mind. And if he doesn’t, I’ll hack him to bits.

(The BARONESS exits)

LISETTE

Did you hear that?

MME PATIN

Let her go. Better to have her wandering the streets than lying in wait for him here.

LISETTE

But the woman could stalk you for the rest of her days.

MME PATIN

The Chevalier will protect me. I think she might have really hurt us.

LISETTE

There’s nothing more dangerous than an old woman in heat.

(LUCILE enters)

LUCILE

Oh, Aunt Nannette, I’ve just had a terrible fright.

MME PATIN

(to Lisette) She ran into the Baroness.

LUCILE

I seek asylum from the tyrannical injustice of my father.

MME PATIN

What has he done?

LUCILE

My misery knows no bounds. Oh, to be the daughter of such a man.

MME PATIN

Tell Auntie everything.

LUCILE

You can’t guess? He found my beloved at our house. Marton, my mother’s chambermaid let him come by way of the garden gate.

MME PATIN

Gracious. What did your father do?

LUCILE

He slapped me twice on the face and treated my gallant most uncivilly.

MME PATIN

Did he hit him too?

LUCILE

He didn’t dare! But to slap me in front of my fiancé—how humiliating.

MME PATIN

The brute.

LUCILE

I have vowed revenge. I need some advice.

MME PATIN

More?

LUCILE

My beloved thinks the best thing to do is to kidnap me. What do you think?

MME PATIN

What do I think? I must be done. Where is he right now?

LUCILE

He has gone off to take 2000 pistoles to his steward, and he’s going to meet me in his carriage on the Place Victoire. Marton is waiting for him there and will let me know when he shows up.

MME PATIN

Here’s what you have to do. As soon as he turns up at the appointed place, have him come here—I’m dying to meet him—I’ll hitch a team to my carriage and you can flee to a country inn where no one will find you.

LUCILE

Oh thank you, Aunt Nannette! Now I just need to send somebody to Marton to bring him here.

MME PATIN

Send somebody, Lisette.

LISETTE

Yes, my lady. (aside) I’ll send somebody to Monsieur Migaud instead. Why should he miss out on all the fun?

LUCILE

Kidnapped! How thrilling! My dear sweet aunt, I could have never done this without you.

MME PATIN

Follow my counsel and you need never fear reproach.

(The CHEVALIER and CRISPIN enter)

CHEVALIER

As soon as I get her thousand, we’ll skedaddle.

LUCILE

Oh pumpkin! Somebody already told you I was here!

CHEVALIER

Another hitch, Crispin. It’s my brunette.

CRISPIN

Here? The brunette?

LUCILE

This is my Aunt Nannette, about whom I’ve told you so much.

CHEVALIER

Her aunt?

CRISPIN

Aie! Aie! Aie!

CHEVALIER

Mademoiselle, what an honor it is—

MME PATIN

Niece, who is this?

LUCILE

This is my kidnapper.

CHEVALIER

Yes, my lady, I have bid your niece to—

MME PATIN

Then it is true. It is true that you are the greatest scoundrel in the kingdom.

LUCILE

What are you saying, Aunt Nannette? You told me to tell him to come here and then you insult him when he does?

MME PATIN

Oh, my poor niece, what an adventure.

CHEVALIER

Crispin.

CRISPIN

Very tricky.

LUCILE

What’s going on, Aunt Nannette?

MME PATIN

You miserable cheating double-crossing three-timing fortune-hunting rogue.

LUCILE

But Aunt Nannette!

CRISPIN

Let us depart.

MME PATIN

To see you constantly clear all hurdles to marry me, and on the very same day, propose to kidnap my niece!

LUCILE

What?

MME PATIN

Yes, my child, he was to be your new uncle.

LUCILE

You…you…you…jerk!

CRISPIN

I said, let’s get out of here.

CHEVALIER

Silence.

LUCILE

What have I ever done to you, sir, that you should use me so cruelly?

MME PATIN

Why should you choose either one of us as the object of your treacheries?

LUCILE

Answer me!

MME PATIN

Speak!

CHEVALIER

My ladies, what can I say? No court of law could ever persuade you that what you see is not what it appears, but am I as guilty as you suppose? Is it my fault that all three of us should meet here?

MME PATIN

And still you jest!

CHEVALIER

I do not. I shall speak with the utmost gravity. Could I have guessed that you were the young lady’s aunt, and that the young lady was your niece?

CRISPIN

If we had, we’d have taken other precautions.

CHEVALIER

If you were not known to one another, you would never have confided in one another, and we would presently have been spared this vexing revelation.

LUCILE

And if that were the case, you would be less guilty? And we would be less wronged? And you would be able to wash your hands of such a nasty business?

CHEVALIER

Put yourself in my place and see whether I have committed any wrongs. I have a title, ambition, and no money. A beautiful, alluring widow, who loves me tenderly, holds out her arms to me. Shall I behave like the hero of a novel and refuse the 40,000 pounds a year that she’s thrown at my feet?

MME PATIN

Why then, villain, if you find with me all those advantages, why do you fall in love with my niece?

CHEVALIER

As for that, one had only to look upon her. The sight of Lucile will tell you more than I can ever say.

CRISPIN

I’ve got a funny feeling he’ll wiggle out of this.

CHEVALIER

Into my path strays a young ravishing creature. I cannot be indifferent to such beauty. How could one be so insensitive, Madame? There isn’t a heart in the world that could resist so many charms.

MME PATIN

All your simpering glances have stolen the chevalier’s heart from me, you coquette. I will never forgive you.

LUCILE

That’s right. He would love only me if it weren’t for your 40,000 a year. It is I who shall never forgive you.

CHEVALIER

Oh, my dears, don’t get yourselves so worked up. If it is true that you both loved me as much as it flatters me to believe, let the one who loves me more convince me of it by making the supreme sacrifice of yielding me to the other. I can guarantee you that the one who doesn’t get me, won’t be the unhappier.

MME PATIN

I am passionately in love with you, ingrate, but I’d rather see my niece dead than with you.

LUCILE

I challenge the rest of the world put together to love you as much as I love you; but to see you wedded to my aunt would be unendurable.

CHEVALIER

Then we’ve come to a crisis.

LUCILE

I hear my father’s tread.

MME PATIN

You had better hide, you—you—

(SERREFORT enters)

SERREFORT

No need for concealment, sir. Ah, dearest sister, is this the dashing Chevalier you intend to marry?

MME PATIN

Yes, the same Chevalier that your daughter has been disgracefully chasing all around the Tuilleries, and who, without my designs, would be your very own son- in- law right about now.

CHEVALIER

A pleasure to see you again, sir.

SERREFORT

Marry my sister and my daughter all in the same day. You have a passion for persecuting me.

CHEVALIER

Au contraire, sir. As mark of my esteem for you, I shall instantly marry whichever one of these two women you like less.

SERREFORT

S

Well, you don’t have to go that far.

(MIGAUD enters)

MIGAUD

One of your servants rushed to tell me you wanted something from me.

MME PATIN

Here is my hand, sir; as of tomorrow, I will marry you, but only on the proviso that your son Horace marries my niece at the same time.

MIGAUD

Well, the proviso delights me.

SERREFORT

I don’t think my daughter will have the audacity to defy me any further.

LUCILE

My despair yokes me to your will, father.

MME PATIN

You’ll never get my niece.

LUCILE

You’ll never get my aunt.

CHEVALIER

Farewell sweet sisters, until we meet again. Think of me on your honeymoons. My only regret is the loss of your thousand pistoles. What to do? What to do?

(A racket by the door. The BARONESS enters, sword drawn.)

CHEVALIER

Cupcake!

END OF PLAY