Drawn by Johann Christian Scholler; engraved by Zinke, c1829. Laurence Senelick Collection.
By Ferdinand Raimund
Translated from German by Michael McDowell and Laurence Senelick
The Zauberposse or magical farce was a dramatic form peculiar to Austria and especially Vienna in the latest eighteenth and early nineteenth centuries. A baroque genre that made its appeal to popular, rather than court, tastes, it was usually interspersed with songs; the music might be written for the play or drawn from existing tunes, like the French vaudeville. The Zauberposse known to most theatregoers is The Magic Flute. Mozart’s opera lent the otherwise local phenomenon a universal appeal. So did the ethical concerns of Ferdinand Raimund. He raised the folk comedy to the level of a “forum for universal justice.” In his fairy-tale plays, filled with rich humor sometimes bordering on the tragic, Raimund touches on the common criteria for human existence.
Of humble antecedents, Raimund (1791-1836), at the age of 18 became an actor in dramatic roles with a travelling company; but when in 1814 he joined the suburban Viennese Theater am Josefstadt his comic talent was revealed. Three years later he won a clamorous success at the rival Theater am Leopoldstadt. Fed up with the mediocrity of the plays he had to perform in, he decided to write and act in his own. In 1823 he made his debut as playwright with The Barometer Maker on the Enchanted Island which made a great hit. There followed another six works in the fairy-tale farce mode: The Spirit King’s Diamonds, 1824; The Peasant Millionaire, 1826; The Fettered Imagination, 1827; The Mountain King and the Misanthrope, 1828; The Bad-luck Crown, 1829; and The Spendthrift, 1834. Most critics consider The Mountain King and The Spendthrift to be his masterpieces.
This was a period when Austria was a police state under Metternich, and there was tight control over what could and could not be spoken from the stage. Consequently, the “magical play”, which conveyed ordinary Viennese citizens to fantastic realms or introduced supernatural elements into everyday life, found a way around these strictures. While the audiences could identify with Raimund’s middle-class characters, their imaginations could be stimulated by the grotesque or outlandish situations in which these characters were placed. And the censor had nothing to delete.
Although Raimund’s plays always provide a happy ending, full of confidence, hope and consolation, these are not easy solutions. His view of human nature is born of a bitterly lived cynicism, that in The Mountain King questions whether humanity is “a denatured species.” Unlike the fatalistic attitude of a Strindberg, however, its romantic melancholy is countered by liberating forces which help human beings by means of reformation and self-improvement. Raimund is implacable in revealing human flaws, but rather than succumbing to hatred or resignation, he offers charitable understanding and makes an appeal to divine goodness.
As in Swedenborg’s cosmological system, the “spirit world” in Raimund is divided into two realms: helpful, tutelary genii and demons who lead men to perdition. The good spirits are heralds of a life intended for meaningful service. Raimund does not present them as a deus ex machina; instead, they induce the characters to recognize their true selves by transforming and curing them. No mere elves, Astragalus and his sprites create conflicts of emotion in the human heart which result in profound self-awareness.
In The Mountain King, the universal tragicomic ordeal is imposed on an egocentric self. The powerful supernatural force, Astragalus, opposes the misanthrope Rappelkopf, whose extreme self-absorption is only one aspect of his true “self”. (His name means “Hothead” or “Raving Mad.”) The brilliant device of having the Mountain King become the misanthrope, allowing the protagonist to see himself from the outside, enables Rappelkopf to subjugate his worst qualities and re-adapt to human society, curing his hatred by bringing him to love and charity. (It also allows an actor a virtuoso opportunity.) Raimund’s achievement is all the more admirable, since Rappelkopf was based on his own personal shortcomings and he played the role originally. Mutatis mutandis, Rappelkopf is worthy to be listed with the great misanthropes of world literature: Menander’s Dyskolos, Molière’s Alceste, and Shakespeare’s Timon, who is evoked in this comedy.
Michael McDowell commenced this translation of Der Alpenkönig und der Menschenfeind when he was a Harvard undergraduate in the 1970s. A decade later we undertook a collaboration to prepare it for publication, but other projects intervened. After Michael’s death, as I was going through his papers, I came across the draft of the translation and decided to get it into print as a memorial tribute. The process of revision was thoroughgoing, especially in the case of the songs. As before, outside pressures and competing tasks delayed completion, but at last the new text was ready to be submitted to an editor.
From a translator’s standpoint, the play is not very difficult to put into English. Raimund, I’m relieved to say, rarely uses Viennese dialect (which his colleague Nestroy does frequently). The characters in the scene of the charcoal burner’s hut speak a generic demotic and I have been careful not to localize it. (That scene has been described as equal in its squalor to a genre painting by a Dutch master.) I also anglicized the first names. The Mountain King often speaks in a grandiose manner, but most of the dialogue is colloquial, with an occasional play on words. The songs present the greatest challenge: I have been careful to preserve both the meter and the rhyme scheme.
The play has never left the German-language stage and was even turned into an opera by Leo Blech; but it is almost unknown outside Central Europe. In 1831 The King of the Alps, a drastically abridged version by John Baldwin Buckstone, based on a literal translation by Lord Stanhope, appeared at the Adelphi Theatre in London; most songs were dropped and a subplot involving the charcoal-burner added. Buckstone radically tamed the language and sentimentalized the tone, which enabled the comedy to be well received by a middle-class British public, but it dropped out of the repertoire almost at once. This is the first complete translation into English. My hope is that it can inspire an ingenious director or an ambitious actor, so that its qualities can be revealed to a contemporary audience.
Michael McDowell (1950-1999), a Ph.D. from Brandeis University, was the author of over thirty novels, including The Amulet, The Elementals, Gilded Needles and the Blackwater series. He also wrote a number of screen- and television plays, among them Beetlejuice, Tales from the Darkside and The Nightmare before Christmas. He taught screenwriting at Boston and Tufts Universities. His papers are at the Popular Culture Library of Bowling Green State University and his collection of death artifacts at Northwestern University.
Laurence Senelick (b.1942) is Fletcher Professor Emeritus of Drama and Oratory at Tufts University and a Fellow of the American Academy of Arts and Sciences. He has published translations from seven languages, including the complete plays of Chekhov. Among the German-language authors he has translated are Schiller, Brecht, Georg Kaiser, Klaus Mann, Karl Valentin and Ferdinand Bruckner. His most recent books are Jacques Offenbach and the Making of Modern Culture; The Final Curtain: The Art of Dying on Stage; and The Crooked Mirror: Plays from a Modernist Russian Cabaret
The Mountain King and The Misanthrope
(Der Alpenkönig und der Menschenfeind)
A Romantic-Comic Original-Musical Play in Three Acts
By Ferdinand Raimund
First produced at the Theater in der Leopoldstadt, Vienna, 17 October 1828.
Translated from the German by Michael McDowell and Laurence Senelick
CHARACTERS
ASTRAGALUS, the Mountain King
LINARIUS}
Alpine Sprites
ALPANOR}
HERR VON RAPPELKOPF, a wealthy landowner
SOPHIE, his wife
MOLLY (Malchen), his daughter by his third wife
HERR VON SILBERKERN, Sophie’s brother, a merchant of Venice
AUGUSTUS THORN (August Dorn), a young painter
LIZZY (Lischen), Molly’s maid
HABAKKUK, Rappelkopf’s man-servant
SEBASTIAN, Rappelkopf’s coachman
SABINA, Rappelkopf’s cook
CHRISTIAN GLOWWORM (Glühwurm), a charcoal burner
MARTHA, his wife
SALLY (Salchen)}
HANKY (Hänschen)}
} their children
CHRIS (Christoph)}
ANDY (Andres)}
FRANK (Franzel), a woodcutter, engaged to Sally
CHRISTIAN’S GRANDMOTHER
GHOST OF VICTORINEN}
GHOST OF WALLBURGA} Rappelkopf’s deceased wives
GHOST OF EMERENTIA}
Alpine sprites, Genii in the Temple of Understanding, servants in Rappelkopf’s home
The action takes place on and around Rappelkopf’s estate.
ACT I
Scene 1
The overture begins quietly, in imitation of birdsong, then turns into a fanciful hunting halloo, accompanied by rifle shots. The curtain rises on a picturesque spot at the base of an alp, which ascends majestically in the background. Downstage center, a rosebush. Down left, a shattered tree trunk. Down right, a steep crag.
A chorus of Alpine sprites, Linarius among them, all clad in gray as roebuck hunters, and each with a slain roebuck slung over his back, hurry down the mountainside, and gather together downstage.
CHORUS. Spirits, quit the chase! Come, come, it’s
Time to leave these Alpine summits –
To the verdant valley jaunt,
There, quite eager to display
All the game we shot today
In that bosky huntsman’s haunt.
Astragalus, clad in gray as an Alpine hunter like the others, a hunting rifle over his shoulder, enters.
ASTRAGALUS (gruffly). Holla, huntsmen, quit your toil,
Be content with this day’s spoil.
Comrades, drunk on hunting stag,
No more quarry shall you bag.
Long enough our hunting calls
Have echoed through these stony halls.
LINARIUS (first Alpine spirit). Sov’reign, you’ve but to command,
Submissive is your faithful band;
Wearily we drift in dust,
Just as leaves in storm wind must.
There is no one here who cares
To prolong the chase – or dares,
Though we treasure nothing more
Than ‘midst Alpine peaks to soar.
Lightning flashing from a rifle
Serves the prey’s life-breath to stifle;
When the golden bullet’s shot
And penetrates the vital spot
Bang! on target with a thud,
Then out there spurts the roebuck’s blood.
ALL. That’s what sets us all afire!
That’s a huntsman’s heart’s desire!
ASTRAGALUS. By the icy polar billows,
Huntsmen, you are lusty fellows.
Carry on your chase for venison
For it serves as local benison.
Whatever we from mountains take
Is only for the valley’s sake.
On those who in poor huts do dwell
And hunger pangs know all too well
All our quarry we bestow
And, unseen, in their houses throw.
LINARIUS. Always noble your endeavor,
And we hasten now as ever
Proud to honor and fulfill
Our ruler’s great, well-meaning will.
To the huts we shall draw near
To hear their tenants, as they cheer
When in the roebuck’s hide they find
Golden bullets left behind.
Each grateful tear they shed’s a gem
From which we shape a diadem.
And on your throne we place these bays
As loving tribute in your praise.
(Exeunt all but Astragalus.)
ASTRAGALUS. In the spirits’ high domain
Charity and love should reign,
And strength with freedom should combine.
Such sway, in aspect all sublime,
Might, when loosed from earthly link,
Whirl along the Æther’s brink.
But mankind cannot share this glory.
Its case is quite a diff’rent story.
Good and ill are set by Fate:
One man will love, another hate.
In the world below these skies
Not all souls do upward rise,
Condemned by their mortality They’re void of all nobility,
From above an Archfiend glowers,
Bound to serve the darker Powers,
And on him all strife’s dependent,
Making pain the world’s ascendant;
He through air the clouds pursuing,
He the earth with graves bestrewing,
He sets soul ‘gainst soul to rise,
He the shark its force supplies,
Its rage that makes the seas all cower;
He bids the north wind crush the flower;
He sends the ship into the blast
And wrecks it on the rocks at last;
He turns men into warring hosts
That they may, in their hateful boasts,
Across their brothers’ corpses stride
And call for laurels in their pride.
Peaceful sprites are those I treasure,
Helping men’s my chiefest pleasure.
I, by rocky crags unbound,
Am only in the fresh air found.
On the summit, brightly shining,
Upon glacier’s ice reclining,
Is my crystal palace placed,
Whence the stars’ long paths I trace.
And when through limpid space I scan
On earth the pointless dreams of man,
My heart is stirred on his behalf.
When I see (no cause to laugh)
Many lost souls vainly erring,
Then from cloudy heights bestirring
I climb down to earthly land,
And gently take them by the hand,
Lead them through the Temple gates
Where Knowledge of the Self awaits.
(Exit.)
Molly and Lizzy enter from the opposite side of the stage. First Molly, in a light blue summer dress and straw hat, runs in merrily.
MOLLY. Well, that’s what I call a good long run. Love can make you outrace the wind. (Looking around.) Everything’s in full bloom and the sun is shining twice as brightly today, as if it were high holiday in heaven and he were founder of the feast. Thank you, Your Majesty, for bringing back my Augustus. Lizzy, Lizzy! (Calling offstage.) Where are you? (Lizzy enters.) You look scared. What’s wrong?
LIZZY (most upset and babbling). Oh, Miss, how could you come to this horrid, haunted place today? Didn’t you hear all that shooting? The Mountain King is on the loose today. And if I had known that, a score of wild horses wouldn’t have dragged me out of the house. But, no, you had to wake me, order me to hurry and get dressed, just so you could run up here and meet Augustus back from his painting tour of Italy.
MOLLY. So I did. And here I am, waiting for Augustus. His last letter said this was to be the day. Three years ago, in this very spot, we said our goodbyes most tenderly – with Mama standing by. Even then Father was dead set against our love. And when Augustus’ uncle died and left him a little property, Father still refused to consent to our marriage. He flew into a rage and told Augustus he had no talent at painting whatsoever. Augustus was hurt very sorely and decided a trip to Italy was the best cure for his hurt – he could pattern himself on classical models. Here is where he pledged me his eternal troth. Mama promised to help us, but you know what my poor father is like. Here is where we said goodbye and promised that someday right here we would rush into one another’s arms. According to his letters, he’s getting on very well with his painting.
LIZZY. What’s the point of Italy? What’s the point of painting? What’s the point of all the painters in Italy and Austria? The Mountain King lives in these parts, and if he catches sight of us, we’re goners.
MOLLY. Take it easy, Lizzy. He won’t chop off your head.
LIZZY. But it might cost us our good looks, and, for a young girl, losing her beauty is the same as getting it in the neck. And you know how closely our necks and our looks are connected. Who’s going to neck with us, if we aren’t pretty anymore? Don’t you know that any girl who sees the Mountain King automatically ages forty years? You won’t be able to talk him down to one minute less. Forty years, plus how old we are now – won’t that add up? Just imagine what we’d look like then! What would your darling artist say if he saw you not as a budding spring landscape but an ice-skating scene by some Dutch master? What would all my admirers say if they saw my cheeks pleated like hundred-year-old parchment?
MOLLY. Who told you such fairy tales? It’s enough to scare me out of my wits – if I believed in the Mountain King.
LIZZY. Is that so? All right then. But soon I’ll be treating you like my grandmother. If you don’t come away with me, I’ll have to escape on my own. (She starts to go.)
MOLLY. Don’t go. Augustus will be here soon, the noonday sun is shining, and you have to help me do my hair. The wind mussed it all up. You brought the hand mirror I told you to, didn’t you?
LIZZY. Yes, but I wish I’d forgot to bring all these jitters.
MOLLY. All right then. (Sits on the tree stump and arranges her hair as Lizzy stands before her, holding the mirror.) Keep still, Lizzy, you know I have to look my best. He’s coming all the way from Italy, and they say the women there are truly beautiful.
LIZZY (laughing). Is that a fact? Well, I know of only one beautiful girl in the whole world, and you know who I mean.
MOLLY (taking the compliment as meant for herself). You flatter me, Lizzy. I don’t deserve it.
LIZZY (aside). She thinks I meant her. How could anyone be so conceited? I was referring to myself, of course.
MOLLY. There now, Lizzy. My hair’s just right. Don’t go, the Mountain King isn’t going to harm us.
LIZZY. For heaven’s sake, don’t even mention that awful name. (Startled.) There’s something moving in that bush! Oh, Lord, I’m going to drop the mirror… (A wood grouse flies out of the bush. She screams.) Eyyy! The Mountain King. (Runs off, with the mirror.)
MOLLY (calling after her). Lizzy, Lizzy, don’t be scared, it’s only a bird. Oh, for heaven’s sake, she took the mirror with her and she’s bound to run straight home. Oh, Lizzy, why won’t you listen to me? Oh, my hair! Wouldn’t it be awful if Augustus came now and saw me looking like this? I wouldn’t survive it. Oh, goodness, I daren’t even think about it, that’s the most awful catastrophe that could ever happen. (Pulling herself together.)
Oh, pooh, don’t be silly, Molly. Augustus doesn’t love you because of your hair. (Angrily.) No, but it helps, and if men are like that, what can I do? And why are they called locks, if they weren’t intended to lock men in our arms? (Looks offstage.) Oh, he’s coming up the hill now. Oh, joy, oh, rapture! (Jumps up and down.) Oh, joy, oh, rapture! (Suddenly still.) If it weren’t for this awful hair! I’ll hide behind this rosebush, and perhaps I can re-arrange it there. (Crouches behind the rosebush.)
Enter Augustus in a simple travelling outfit, a portfolio under his arm.
AUGUSTUS. From the sea-girt foreign strand,
From the charming southern land,
With its golden fields of wheat
And with orange groves replete;
Where the lofty Appenines
After former greatness pine;
Where fine Art, or a selection,
May achieve ideal perfection;
Where we meet the awesome sight
Of colossal ruins by night,
Trembling, feel the force of time
And apprehend the All-Sublime:
From the southland’s teeming womb,
Back to these calm fields I come;
To this dearest of all lands
I am chained with gentle bands
Of staunchest troth and tend’rest love.
The giant peaks that rise above,
Dream-like, form a vision, truly
Each one sends a welcome to me.
Mountains of my homeland, greetings! Ah, Memory, how you creep up on me, tenderly crowning my head with a wreath woven of bygone joys. Yet of all that is lovely here, I miss the loveliest of all; of all that is dear to me, I miss the dearest of all. Where are you, Molly my beloved? Why aren’t you waiting here for me? Perhaps she’s ill. Perhaps she’s not allowed out of the house this early. But she’ll be here. Meanwhile I’ll make a sketch of this little spot she loved so well and give it to her when she comes. (He sits on the tree stump and begins to draw.) It’s splendid, the way the mountains glisten in the sunlight, the clear air, and here – this dark and rocky crag, all the wild roses – only these faded flowers seem out of place. I know some that are more beautiful, and they bloom in her cheeks. I wish Molly were here to tell me which colors to use.
MOLLY (parting the rosebush with her hands, so that she is partly visible. She looks lovingly at him.) Blue for loyalty.
AUGUSTUS (overjoyed). Amalia! (They embrace.)
MOLLY. Augustus, dear Augustus!
ASTRAGALUS (appears on the crag). Well, well, well! The valley seems to be brimming over with happiness today! (He leans on his rifle and listens to the dialogue.)
AUGUSTUS. Oh, dear, sweet, good Molly, how I’ve missed you – (Suddenly teasing.) Naughty Molly, why do you let go of me so soon?
MOLLY. Don’t tease me, Augustus.
AUGUSTUS. Well, I’ll get even with this kiss. (Kisses her.)
MOLLY. Oh, you nasty man!
AUGUSTUS (gently). Angry?
MOLLY (innocently). Heavens, no! Take your revenge! Wicked people say revenge is sweet, and now I can almost believe it.
AUGUSTUS. Oh, Molly! I’m so happy to see you again. Nothing but death will ever come between us –
MOLLY. Except Father, who’s a fate worse than death. If only dear, good Father weren’t so mean to us!
AUGUSTUS. Don’t worry, Molly, when he sees the progress I’ve made in my painting and realizes how much I love you, he won’t be able to say no. I’ll talk to him today.
MOLLY. It won’t do any good. He won’t speak to anyone outside the family and only rarely to the servants. He’s turned into a misanthrope.
AUGUSTUS. Ridiculous. If that’s the case, why do you always speak so highly of his kind heart and honesty?
MOLLY. Because he has both. You see, when he ran his publishing house in the city, it was doing so well; but he was cheated out of a lot of money he had lent to faithless friends out of the goodness of his heart. All that ingratitude and ill treatment led him to give it all up and hide out on his estate so that people like that could never come near him again. And now he keeps reading all these philosophical tracts that only make him more eccentric. There’s no end to his distrust. He has a terrible habit of flying off the handle with everyone. He demands the simplest things in an absolute rage. No one, not even my mother, can stay with him for long. Everyone’s afraid of him and runs away, and as a result he assumes everyone is betraying him. But he won’t let anyone make explanations. This misanthropy has increased day by day, and we fear for his life. We’d do anything to convince him that we love him. But who can show him the error of his ways and rid him of this senseless anger? It makes everyone his enemy and prevents him from seeing humanity from the proper angle. We daren’t even mention your name. He knows my mother approves of our love, and he hates her to death for it.
AUGUSTUS. Oh wretched fate, why must you dash my dreams once again? Then may I never call on you, Molly?
MOLLY. If only I knew a way to have you all to myself! If I were as free as that bird and could fly anywhere I wanted through the sky, I’d follow you throughout the world. Happy, enviable creature! What can rob it of its freedom? (Astragalus shoots the bird, but it cannot be seen to fall. Molly is startled.) Ah!
ASTRAGALUS (gruffly). A shotgun can, if you must know.
MOLLY (looking upwards). Augustus, look.
AUGUSTUS. Who are you, you old Jack-in-the-box?
ASTRAGALUS. I am known as the Mountain King.
MOLLY. The Mountain King! Oh, woe is me! (She sinks unconscious into Augustus’s arms.)
AUGUSTUS. What’s wrong, Molly? Help! Help! Come help her!
ASTRAGALUS (laughing). The very stones must sympathize with such a sight. Take pity, rocks, and open your heart to her. (With the butt of his rifle he strikes the rock, which opens. Inside a small waterfall is cascading over roses. Two Alpine sprites, kneeling beside the stream, dip golden shells into the water and sprinkle Molly with the water.) Wake, foolish girl, who wished for wings to mock the earth.
AUGUSTUS. She’s opening her eyes. What’s the matter, Molly?
MOLLY. Oh, what’s come over me? I looked on the Mountain King. I must be forty years older. Do you recognize me, Augustus?
AUGUSTUS. What are you talking about? You’re just as pretty as ever.
MOLLY. Am I pretty? Really? What about the wrinkles? Not even one?
AUGUSTUS. Of course not.
MOLLY. Thank heaven! I’ve never been so scared in my life.
AUGUSTUS. What was the matter?
MOLLY. Well, Lizzy told me that any girl who looked on the Mountain King would age forty years.
ASTRAGALUS (stepping forward). She told you that?
MOLLY. Oh, there he is again! (She hides her face.)
ASTRAGALUS. Allay your fear and hearken to the Mountain King’s words.
Both now and once before your hearts afire
I’ve seen, which glow like dawn on lilied snow,
And tears, called forth by nobly born desire,
That down your bravely suff’ring cheeks do flow.
With such rare joy have I been so elated
To think that both in love should prove so true,
To you my sovran power I’ve dedicated
And my protection I bestow on you.
(To Molly.)
I’ve seen your father’s hate for all his race
And overheard, when through the woods he ran
With boar-like rage, or on the mountain’s face
To every wind he’d vent his curse on man.
Therefore, be constant, there’s no cause to grieve.
His rage by Wisdom shall be brought in line.
The stars soon on your wedding night shall shine,
(To Molly.)
And I myself your bridal wreath shall weave.
(Exit.)
MOLLY. Did you hear what he said, Augustus? Was it a dream, or are we really going to be happy?
AUGUSTUS. Let’s take his word for it. And even though I thought he existed only in fairy tales, I must believe he’s real, or else deny the evidence of my senses.
MOLLY. Come on, let’s tell Mother all that’s happened — I’ll make sure you get to talk with her. We’ll trust the Mountain King. He doesn’t seem to be wicked, I looked him right in the eye, and he didn’t do anything to me, did he, Augustus? I’m not any older than I was, am I?
AUGUSTUS. No, Molly. Since I last saw you, barely an hour older.
MOLLY. Barely an hour? (Looking at him tenderly.) Well, one hour I can easily get over. And it was a very happy hour, spending it with you.
AUGUSTUS. Oh, Molly dearest, you make me so happy!
(They exit, arm in arm.)
SCENE 2
Room in Rappelkopf’s manor house.
SOPHIE, SABINA, COACHMAN, Various Servants.
CHORUS. Your kindness we appreciate,
And yet we find we cannot stay.
Our master’s rage will not abate
And forces us to haste away.
He’s quite beyond all help, we know.
We fear to stay, we’d better go.
SOPHIE. Don’t let it get to you, good people, go on with your work just a little while longer. Maybe everything will have changed. Go back to work! I’d be scared to death if my husband came in now.
COACHMAN. Oh, what good’s it do, ma’am, he oughta know we can’t put up with him no more. We does our duty and he hates our guts.
SOPHIE. Things will all be different soon. I’ve written to my brother in Venice, described to him my husband’s mental aberration, and told him of the dreadful things that might befall. He may even arrive today and find what’s needed to cure my husband of his misanthropy. Or else take me away from the poor man.
COACHMAN. Well, it’s high time, you jest ain’t your old self no more, ma’am. He’s killed off three wives already. He’s a bony fide Bluebeard.
Enter Habakkuk.
SOPHIE. Oh, why do I have to listen to this vulgar chatter? Habakkuk, is my husband in his room? Has Molly come home yet?
HABAKKUK. Master’s in the garden room again. He moved in his writing desk and chair himself and now is pacing up and down, seven yards per step. I assure you, ma’am, I lived in Paris for two years and never saw a master like him.
SABINA. Nail on the head, ma’am. Dassn’t show my face in the garden, ma’am. Took the key right outta the gate, ma’am. Can’t cook a blessed –
SOPHIE. You can go through the garden room.
SABINA. Dassn’t set foot in that room so long’s he’s in it, ma’am. Foller the lion in his lair sooner’n go in there. Runs ever’body out. Comes in that kitchen, don’t care what happens, it’s under the stove I go –
HABAKKUK. Plenty of other vermin under there anyway.
COACHMAN. He can’t stand me. So I always gotta hide in the hayloft.
HABAKKUK. He hates me up to here (indicates his waist). He said I wasn’t more than half a man.
SOPHIE. But he’s always giving you money.
SABINA. How’s what matters. Insultin’ us, ma’am. All the rudeness he can scrape together. Throwin’ money on the floor, ma’am.
HABAKKUK. And that’s when he’s in his best mood. A while back he took out his gold watch. I thought he was going to give it to me, but he threw it at my head. In my opinion, there are certain contacts one does not care to make with one’s master. I lived in Paris for two years, but I never had that happen. My head’s full of clockwork already, so I don’t need any flung at it.
SABINA. Can’t do nothin’ in a house where can’t even git to the other side o’ the garden –
HABAKKUK. Then we’d see how green the grass was!
ALL. We won’t stay.
SOPHIE. So you’d pack up and leave me, even though I’ve always been so kind to you and you know I have to put up with the same treatment as my daughter. I can’t let you go now, because my brother is coming today or tomorrow, and he has plenty of influence over my husband. So until then you’ll just have to put up with my husband’s temper.
ALL. ‘Tain’t good enough, ma’am, we can’t take it.
SOPHIE. Well, take this little something instead. (She gives each one a silver coin.) And nourish your patience with that. Just maybe you’ll manage to live through it all.
ALL. Oh, thank you, ma’am.
COACHMAN. So far’s I’m concerned, I’ll see if I can’t rub along with him somehow.
HABAKKUK. So long as we rub along with this silver, we can probably rub along with him too.
SABINA. Well aware, ma’am, wouldn’t be so bad, the Master, that is –
COACHMAN. ‘Course it wouldn’t – if he was a differ’nt man.
HABAKKUK. Which is the only way things’d change.
SOPHIE. Now get on with your work as if nothing were wrong.
ALL. All right, ma’am. (They start to go off.)
COACHMAN. You’re a right smart lady, ma’am. I allus said our mistress musta been a coachman, ‘cause you know you gotta grease a wheel if you want it to go. (Exits, laughing to himself.)
SABINA (kissing her hand). True, ma’am. One lady in a million, ma’am. (Exits.)
HABAKKUK. I do assure you, ma’am, I lived in Paris for two years, but a heart like yours is really, as the French say, nouveau riche!
Lizzy enters.
SOPHIE. So you’re back at last. Where’s Molly? Has Augustus arrived yet? Did you meet him?
LIZZY. I don’t know a thing about it, ma’am. All I know is the Mountain King (the one who’s always chasing the girls, you know) was out a-hunting today. And I got so scared when we got to where we were supposed to wait, I ran away lickety-split.
SOPHIE. What about Molly?
LIZZY. She wanted to wait for Augustus, and I couldn’t get her to budge an inch.
SOPHIE. But how could you leave my daughter there alone? You thoughtless thing. And I trusted you with my child! I’ll have to send out a search party at once. Oh, if anything were to happen to her! Oh, heavens, there’s always some new torment in store for me!
LIZZY. But, ma’am –
SOPHIE. Out of my sight! (Exits quickly.)
LIZZY (angrily). No, I’m fed up! This household is a regular torture chamber. How can they treat servants this way?
HABAKKUK. They’re only human too. I’m a servant, but if I were my master, I’d kick me out too.
LIZZY. The idea of calling me a thing!
HABAKKUK. Some thing-ing going on in that head of yours!
LIZZY. Shut up! If only I didn’t have these tiresome people around all the time.
HABAKKUK. I’m no misanthrope, but I do have a particular dislike for lady’s maids. What I dislike about this “thing” is that she refuses to believe I lived in Paris for two years. (Maliciously.) Serves you right, Mam’zell Lizbeth!
LIZZY. Oh, you wretched creature! You don’t deserve to have a lady’s maid of my standing under the same roof with you.
HABAKKUK. Don’t be so stuck-up about your position – you didn’t invent the profession. I assure you, I lived in Paris for two years, and they have lady’s maids there too – though to translate it into our language – she would be a femmedechamberry. All the servant girls in these parts would have to hide their heads in shame. And so would you, my dear ex-kitchen maid.
LIZZY. Listen, you biennial Parisian nincompoop, it would suit me fine if just once you said something nasty about me, because then I’d declare war on your cheeks and give you the most striking proof of how one of our own lady’s maids can defend the honor of her calling. (She boxes his ears and runs off.)
HABAKKUK (pressing his hands to his cheeks). Oh, what I put up with in this house. I lived in Paris for two years, but nothing like this ever happened. (Exits, still holding his hands to his cheeks.)
SCENE 3
A somewhat smaller room. Stage right, a doorway, left a glass door opening on to the garden. On the same side is a large, old-fashioned table and a chair. Right, against the wall, a full-length mirror. A writing desk next to the garden door.
Rappelkopf rushes in through the glass door. His whole demeanor is extremely violent. He barely glances at people or observes them askance before whirling away from them in anger or disgust.
RAPPELKOPF. Ha! No!
Song
No, no! it can’t go on this way:
With dev’lish plotting night and day!
To my face they tell me fictions.
Behind my back speak maledictions.
My gold I’ll hide from all my foes,
Bury it from these thieving crows.
Not a penny do I owe –
My hundred thousand guilders, no,
They still are not enough for me:
A monarch’s equal I must be.
All my crops were ruin’d by hail;
My horses bald from mane to tail;
Depressed and sad, my daughter dear
Has been lovelorn all this past year.
Every day that awful whining,
For that nitwit painter pining.
A man too paltry for abuse
With no thought of money’s use.
My lady wife has not the sense
To help oppose this insolence:
“Born to be belov’d,” she natters –
Wives know all about such matters!
This, you say, should not annoy me? –
To shoot myself would only joy me.
No pity wasted on my fate,
For my death they lie in wait.
Each the same, they’re like that, all—
I could fairly burst with gall.
So I have decided with steadfast intention,
With the malice of man I’ll have no more contention.
I’ll get a divorce, for I’ve made up my mind;
On Michaelmas next I’ll renounce all mankind.
For friendship and fealty and love and its troth
Are needless compared to my gold, ‘pon my oath!
Those falsely alluring and cunning mam’selles
Who for fifty long years made my days perfect hells,
Like Timon of Athens, to breakfast I’ll bring them
And scourge them, and into the temple I’ll fling them.
It’s over! The world is naught but toxic deadly nightshade. I’ve tasted it and it has made me mad. I need nothing from other people and they’ll get nothing from me: nothing good, nothing bad, nothing sweet and nothing sour. I wouldn’t even sell them wine that’s gone off. I planted sincerity, but it came up deceit. It’s disgraceful, but as matters now stand I’m about to be beggared by my own brother-in-law. He persuaded me to invest all my money in a Venetian company, which by now must be on the verge of collapse. I don’t earn any interest, and get not a single letter from my hypocritical brother-in-law. I underestimated him, he may very well be in cahoots with those other traitors. That’s how they all cheat me! Every damn one of them! So I want no other companion than practical experience, no matter how troublesome that may be.
A coward is cautious, weighed down by the world;
His battered-in nose by misfortune is curled.
The wounds on his skull are a million or more,
He’s my man, and on him benefaction I’ll pour.
I’ve suffered too much at the hands of the world. Friendship disappointed me, love played me false, and marriage tormented me. I can prove it. I have four witnesses; I’m on my fourth wife. And what wives! Each one had a different vice. The first was domineering, she wanted to play queen. Until I made my entrance as King of Clubs. The second was insanely jealous. If a fly happened to glance in my direction, pow! she swatted it. Those were the first two – insult upon injury, one might say. The third was moonstruck, a loony. At night when I wanted to talk something over with her, I’d find her sitting on the roof. Now I ask you, was that to be endured? She claimed she couldn’t live with me and died of sheer spite. But I still hadn’t learned my lesson, and I was seized by an infernal longing to take a fourth. A fourth, who is four times as deceitful as the other three. She encourages my child in her disobedience. She encouraged that painter, that painter who turns every color with starvation. Nothing but endless whispering from that rabble I have for servants, plotting against their lord and master. (Looks out the half-open entry way.) Ah! There’s that little maid sneaking about. She’s already got more schemes simmering in her head. She wouldn’t be so bad, this maid, she has the neatest little – but I hate her, with undying – I’ll call her in here and pump her for information. Hey! Lizzy! (Shouts.) Get in here!
Lizzy enters, frightened.
LIZZY. Was there something you wanted, sir?
RAPPELKOPF (harshly). I want a word with you.
LIZZY (frightened, aside). I can tell already this is going to be a delightful conversation. And the looks he’s giving me!
RAPPELKOPF (aside). I’ll have to use the greatest tact. (Rudely.) Get over here! (In despair, Lizzy comes closer. Rappelkopf looks her up and down from head to toe, with disgust.) You infamous…”thing”!
LIZZY. But, sir –
RAPPELKOPF. What sir? Sir me no sirs! Hold your tongue. Just answer my questions.
LIZZY. I can’t do both.
RAPPELKOPF. You’re capable of anything. There’s no trick you can’t pull off. You’re a patchwork pieced together out of every kind of fraud. (Aside.) I’ll have to be cautious lest I sound impolite.
LIZZY (indignantly). What sort of person would let a person talk to a person like that?
RAPPELKOPF (violently). You! You would! And I won’t hear a word out of your mouth. What sort of treachery did you have in mind this time? Planning to rob me?
LIZZY. No!
RAPPELKOPF. What then?
LIZZY. Please let me go. (She tries to leave.)
RAPPELKOPF (takes an unloaded hunting rifle from the wall). One more step and I’ll shoot.
LIZZY (screams). Help! Help!
RAPPELKOPF. Don’t make a move! Answer me! Why were you sneaking around in that disgusting way? What are you up to?
LIZZY. Oh, Lord, what if it goes off?
RAPPELKOPF. Don’t worry about that. Something has to go off, either your mouth or my gun.
LIZZY. Oh, why should I risk my life? (Kneels.) Dear, kind master, I’ll tell you everything.
RAPPELKOPF. At last it all comes out. Heavens, ope thyselves!
LIZZY. I was trying to hear whether Miss Amalia’s come back from the valley. Mistress scolded me for not staying with her while she was waiting for her sweetheart, who’s coming home today. Mistress is on her side, but now that she’s treated me the way she did, I’ll tell you all about it.
RAPPELKOPF. What appalling treachery! Oh, that false Niobe! And you… “thing,” with your mind in the gutter, you dare to betray your mistress – whom you owe nothing but gratitude? Oh, Humanity, humanity! O degenerate generation! Get out of my sight, you ungrateful wretch, I never want to hear of you again.
LIZZY. What should I have done?
RAPPELKOPF. You should have kept silent.
LIZZY. But, sir, you would have shot me.
RAPPELKOPF. Nonsense. It isn’t loaded. One good trick deserves another.
LIZZY. Then I went through all this for nothing? How awful!
RAPPELKOPF. No, not for nothing. You crocodile of a lady’s maid, you’ll get a good deal in payment: my contempt, my hatred, my insults, my persecution, and your reward. (Tosses a purse at her feet.) Take it and get out of my house. Make yourself scarce or I’ll pay you off another way. So take it – why don’t you take it?
LIZZY. Oh, I’ll take it all right. (Thinks it over.) Sir!
RAPPELKOPF. What are you thinking up, you viper! Take it and call my wife in here.
LIZZY (pointing to the garden door). There she is!
RAPPELKOPF. Where is she? Where? Bring her in here.
LIZZY (quickly picking up the purse). The old fool. (Runs out.)
RAPPELKOPF (looking in her direction). So she’s made off with it already. O ye planets, collide and smash, now that this she-insect dares to make a fool of me! O Rappelkopf! How these people deceive you, while all you do is for their own good! Ah, here comes my wife, a ghastly sight. I must look like a porcupine, my hair standing on end like this.
Sophie enters.
SOPHIE (patiently). What is it you want, dear?
RAPPELKOPF. It’s you I want, of all humankind, you! And from you I want my flesh and blood, my child! Where is she?
SOPHIE (embarrassed). She’s not here –
RAPPELKOPF (fiercely). Where is she then? Where?
SOPHIE. You needn’t get so excited about it.
RAPPELKOPF. Now I’m excited, am I, yet I’m rather surprised by my own calmness. She’s out in the woods. Is my child lost to me forever?
SOPHIE. You know there aren’t any bears in our forest.
RAPPELKOPF. But there are bare-faced young men – and so the little farce with the painter is not quite played out?
SOPHIE. And never will be, because your daughter’s happiness and peace of mind depend upon it. She will always love him.
RAPPELKOPF. And I’ll always hate him.
SOPHIE. What do you have against him as a person?
RAPPELKOPF. Nothing, except that he is one.
SOPHIE. What do you object to in his artwork?
RAPPELKOPF. Everything! I hate painting. It slanders Nature by belittling it. Nature cannot be pinned down. Nature is always in the flower of youth, while a painting is like a corpse with rouged cheeks.
SOPHIE. I won’t accept your ideas, I dare not. My duty forbids it.
RAPPELKOPF. Because you’ve decided your duty is to hate me, deceive me, lie to me and so forth. (Turns away from her.)
SOPHIE. I just want to say –
RAPPELKOPF. A lie.
SOPHIE. I haven’t said anything yet.
RAPPELKOPF. You’ve but to open your mouth and there it is.
SOPHIE. Just look at me a moment –
RAPPELKOPF. No. I have forbidden my eyes to look into yours. Out of my room! (Sits and turns his back on her.)
SOPHIE (indignantly). You turn your back on me?
RAPPELKOPF. Here’s why: since you do everything behind my back anyway, you can talk to me behind my back as well. I’m no Janus, I’ve but one face, and there’s not much of that, but if I had a hundred, I’d turn every one of them away from you. So please relieve me of your presence. Out, you monster!
SOPHIE. Husband, I warn you for the last time. I have not deserved this treatment, and I can endure it no longer if I want to preserve my self-respect. Nothing deserves your hatred more than your own behavior. It’s the enemy that wages war in your own home. And it really is high time I left you, lest I commit the sin of wishing Heaven to release you from a world you find so burdensome to your soul. A soul devoid of love and a world in which your only pleasure is tormenting those around you. (Exits angrily.)
RAPPELKOPF (alone). Dreadful female. Everyone is against me, and I haven’t done anything to anyone. If I do lose my temper from time to time, it’s so seldom. Once I’ve talked myself out of it, I never remember a single word I’ve said. But human beings are wicked, they might poison me. And this woman, for whom I cherished such a criminal passion, is in a position to dupe me in just such a way. And yet she expects me to place my trust in her. Where am I to lay hands on that precious item? If only I knew someone who could lend me some trust, I’d pledge my whole fortune for it. (Stands beside the garden door.) This garden is still my only friend. Despite it all, Nature is wonderful. It’s so well ordered. But look at those caterpillars devouring that tree. Creeping, parasitic horde. (Laughing scornfully.) Eat your fill, eat your fill! Until there’s nothing left, and then start on the house. Ah, bravissimo! (Remains standing, with downcast eyes, and arms crossed.)
Habakkuk steps just into the entry-way, a kitchen knife in hand.
HABAKKUK. Let’s make a stab at it. (Sees Rappelkopf and starts.) Oh, hell! He’s standing there, right in front of the garden door. How am I going to get out? I can’t walk past him, he’d pounce on me like a watchdog. Oh, what’ll become of me? I lived in Paris for two years. If you’ll permit, sir, to – (Rappelkopf, startled, wheels around suddenly. Habakkuk is equally startled.)
RAPPELKOPF. What is it? What do you want?
HABAKKUK (aside). Barking already! (Without thinking, he hides the knife behind his back.)
RAPPELKOPF (seizes him by the collar). What do you want in here? What are you afraid of?
HABAKKUK (aside). He’s at me already. (Aloud.) Excuse me, sir, I have a –
RAPPELKOPF. What do you have? A guilty conscience, no doubt. What are you hiding behind your back? Into the light with it.
HABAKKUK (shows the knife). I’m not concealing anything, sir. It’s a kitchen knife –
RAPPELKOPF (reels back in horror). Hell and damnation! He means to murder me!
HABAKKUK. Certainly not, I –
RAPPELKOPF. Admit it! This minute! (Grabs him and wrests the knife away.) Was this knife sharpened with me in mind?
HABAKKUK. Oh, you’d be mad to think such a thing. I only wanted to ask you, sir –
RAPPELKOPF. If you could murder me?
HABAKKUK. Of course not. I’d have to do a lot of asking before you’d –
RAPPELKOPF. Villain! Traitor!
HABAKKUK. Just let me explain –
RAPPELKOPF. No explanations! Get out!
HABAKKUK (aside). He won’t let me get a word in edgewise. (Aloud.) Sir, you must hear me out. (Approaches him.)
RAPPELKOPF (holding a chair in front of himself). Don’t come any closer! You probably still have a couple more on you. A regular gay blade.
HABAKKUK. Search me, sir, if you don’t believe me.
RAPPELKOPF (seizes him again). I will. Confess, you masked marauder, who hired you?
HABAKKUK. Goodness me, sir, my mistress gave me –
RAPPELKOPF. Enough! I don’t need to hear any more. How ghastly! (Habakkuk tries to say something. Rappelkopf shouts.) No more! My wife wants to have me killed. (Sinks into a chair and buries his face in his hands.)
HABAKKUK (aside). Oh, this is awful! I was only supposed to cut some chicory. (Wrings his hands.) And he thinks I was trying to kill him. What a dreadful situation!
RAPPELKOPF. Yes, it is dreadful – it’s monstrous, it’s the most inhuman deed ever committed in the history of the world. (Picks up the chair.) Out, you assassin, you cutthroat, you monster in flunkey’s clothing!
HABAKKUK. But, sir –
RAPPELKOPF. Get out!
HABAKKUK. You see, I was…
RAPPELKOPF (infuriated). Out, I say, or else — (He chases him out.)
HABAKKUK (in the doorway, shouts). I lived in Paris for two years, but I never went through the likes of this. (Exits.)
RAPPELKOPF (alone). It’s all over. I’m no longer safe in my own home.
Leave this house, just clear out –
There are murderers about!
Now I shall revenge enjoy,
All this furniture destroy.
By the coat-tails I’ll ensnare
First this forty-year-old chair,
Where there sat in turn each wife
As she gobbled up my life.
Ah! I trample you to dust.
(Tramples on the chair.)
So it dies – as all this must.
The table now, from which I sent
Letters steeped in sentiment
To false friends once. I’ll overthrow
And cleave it now with just one blow.
(Smashes the table.)
Mirror, which the world entices,
Polished, shining show of vices,
Beauty’s idol, which enslaves
All the idle fools and knaves.
There they stand and there they gape,
There they dress up like an ape;
Making faces, bowing low,
Baring teeth as white as snow.
Lying glass that peacock cheats,
Fooling women with deceits.
O you base and worthless chattel,
Wait, and I shall do you battle.
(Looks at himself in the mirror.)
This ugly face I so abhor.
I’ll not endure it any more.
(Smashes the mirror with his fist.)
So – the champion lies there,
Armor shattered past repair.
(Looks at his hand.)
Ah! The shining cheat has maimed him
Who at last has broke and tamed him.
But I’d care not, if instead
A bucketful of blood I bled.
(Opens the desk and removes letters.)
And these letters packed with passion
I once wrote in frantic fashion,
Strew their fragments on the floor –
It’s waste of paper I deplore.
(Tears them up and scatters the pieces on the floor. Takes rolls of coins and purses out of a cashbox.)
Only money, much maligned,
This world’s precious concubine,
She alone I’ll not forsake,
I’ll pocket her and with me take.
(Stuffs it into his pockets.)
You four-walled room, you stupid ass,
My hate for you will never pass.
Why stare at me in such a way?
See you such as I each day?
I cannot follow suit and break you,
So an admission I will make you:
For the woods this home I quit
And never shall return to it.
(Runs out in a frenzy.)
Scene 4
TRANSFORMATION
The interior of a charcoal burner’s cottage, with soot-stained walls. Sally is at the spinning wheel. Hanky, Chris and Andy are at the table. Martha is by a cradle with a baby in it. Beneath the table lies a large black dog. On the table, the cat the children are playing with. At the back, two tumbledown beds, Grandmother lying ill in one, Christian lying drunk on the other.
Quintet
SALLY (cheerfully) When I think of Frank, it’s true,
All goes well with me.
And the heart I give him too
Sings more merrily.
THE THREE CHILDREN. Oh, Ma, you gotta give us bread,
Our bellies hurts so bad.
SALLY. I find my hunger pangs have fled
If I but see my lad.
When I think of Frank, it’s true,
All goes well with me.
And the heart I give him too
Sings most merrily.
THE THREE CHILDREN. Momma, give us bread!
CHRISTIAN (garbled and indistinct).
Shut yer traps, you little brats,
Before I knocks you dead!
MARTHA (shouting). Shut up!
BABY. Waa! Waa!
CAT. Meow!
DOG. Bow-wow!
(The first tune resumes.)
SALLY. My Franky is a lively boy,
Sings the livelong day;
Sings I’m the one that brings him joy
And no other may.
THE THREE CHILDREN. If we don’t eat, we jest won’t make it,
Guess we’re starvin’ anyhow.
SALLY. The baby’s sleeping, don’t you wake it,
So play with the dog for now.
My Franky is a lively boy,
Sings the livelong day;
Sings I’m the one that gives him joy
And no other may.
THE THREE CHILDREN. A crust of bread!
CHRISTIAN. If you do not shut your traps,
I will knock you dead!
MARTHA. Shut up!
BABY. Waa! Waa!
CAT. Meow!
DOG. Bow-wow!
MARTHA. Shut up, you noisy brats!
HANKY (whining). Ma, gimme some bread.
SALLY. There ain’t none. Go pick some crabapples.
MARTHA. And not a peep when you do it. Yer pa’s sick.
ANDY. What’s ‘e got?
MARTHA. Dizzy spells. (Aside.) The kids shouldn’t oughta know.
CHRIS. Pa done sold all that charcoal –
ANDY. An’ din’t bring no money home. The crook!
SALLY. Whasit to ya?
ANDY. We ain’t got nothin’ to eat, ‘cause he done had so much to drink.
SALLY. That’s how Ma brings ‘em up. No respect for their Pa.
CHRISTIAN. I’ll massacree all of ‘em! (He tries to get up, but staggers backwards.)
MARTHA. Lie down! (She pushes him back into bed.)
ANDY. Them’s his dizzy spells.
THE THREE CHILDREN (laughing). Pa cain’t even stand up.
MARTHA (to Sally). Keep an eye on the baby! (Sally rocks the cradle.) A cartload o’ kids and a no-good husband. Not a penny in the house. (In bed the Grandmother sneezes.) Stop Gran’ma from sneezin’. Can’t hear yerself talk.
THE THREE CHILDREN. That’ll be fun.
ANDY. Hey, Ma’s sore. Ha ha ha!
MARTHA. Ye’ll be the death of me, y’ damned brat. I’ll larn ya to make fun o’ yer ma! (Takes him by the head and strikes him. Andy yelps and starts crying.)
SALLY (jumps up and restrains her). Cut it out, Ma! (The other two children sneak off behind the table and the bed.)
ALL TOGETHER:
BABY. Waa! Waa!
GRANDMOTHER (stretching out her arms in bed and sneezing). Aatchoo!
DOG. Bow-wow!
(The cat jumps down from the table.)
(Rappelkopf opens the door and stands there.)
RAPPELKOPF. Well, don’t let me stop you, go on, this time pow! right to the head. Quite a little family gathering. (Walks to the center of the room and applauds maliciously.) Bravo! Bravissimo!
SALLY. Of all the nerve! Whatcha want?
MARTHA. Whatcha want? Whacha starin’ at?
RAPPELKOPF. You I don’t want. Ancient of days! How much does this hovel cost? How much do I have to pay to throw you all out?
SALLY. Some sense o’ humor.
MARTHA. You gotta lot o’ nerve, comin’ in here like that.
SALLY. Insultin’us like that –
CHRISTIAN (half drunk, half asleep). T’row da bum out.
MARTHA (irritated). Shaddap! (To Rappelkopf.) Whatcha want? I kin lick my kids all I want.
ANDY. Yeah, what’s he care ‘bout me getting’ a lickin’? That what we git for dinner.
THE BOY UNDER THE BED. Sic ‘im, boy!
DOG. Bow-wow!
MARTHA AND SALLY. Git out!
RAPPELKOPF. Stop! Not another word! (Takes out two purses filled with money and jingles them.) There’s gold in here! And it all belongs to you. Understand? So act friendly. Give us a smile. Say please. Right now, you scum, right now!
MARTHA. Beg par’n, sir. Git up now, kiddies, kiss the nice man’s hand. See if he’ll give ya a little somethin’. (The children creep out.)
ANDY (laughing aside). He’s got dough? Come on, let’s kiss his hand, kids. (They kiss Rappelkopf’s hand.)
RAPPELKOPF. Well, well, the whole little brood.
ALL THREE CHILDREN. Give us some money, sir, please.
CHRISTIAN. Send some over here, too!
SALLY. Ain’t you ashamed o’ yerselves? He’s tryin’ to make fools outa us.
RAPPELKOPF. And what is the lady asking for this cosy bungalow? I’ll buy it, no matter the price.
MARTHA. Sir, you kiddin’ us? Whatcha want with this lousy dump?
RAPPELKOPF. None of your business. Two hundred ducats enough for you?
MARTHA. Oh, sir! There ain’t that much money in the whole world, that’d fix us up for life.
SALLY. But, Ma, you ain’t gonna sell it, are ya? What’s Franky gonna say when he finds out?
ANDY. Lettim have it, Ma, it ain’t worth nothin’ nohow.
MARTHA (overjoyed). Oh, thank God for all this luck! Now if my husband was well enough to talk business –
ANDY. Pa! Stand ‘im up. Or else we’re gonna sell the house with him in it.
MARTHA. Hey, husband! (To herself.) Oh, he makes me so ashamed in front o’ folks. Cain’t hardly move. (During this speech the Dog rubs itself against Rappelkopf, who kicks him away. The Dog barks at him. Martha, aloud.) Go on, sell the cottage. Listen: we’re gonna get two hundred ducats for it.
CHRISTIAN (drunk/asleep). Not ‘nough, not near ‘nough.
SALLY (aside). Oh, don’t let ‘im have it, Pa.
MARTHA. My husband don’t rightly know what he’s sayin’. You kin have it, sir. Ever’thing’s all fixed up.
RAPPELKOPF. Then I’ll buy the lot, as is.
MARTHA. Oh, an’ there’s a kitchen out back, lots o’ dishes.
ANDY. Nice ‘uns too, and they’re on the house.
RAPPELKOPF. Then here’s the money. (Flings the money at them.) And I want you out at once. The lot of you. In two minutes’ time I don’t want to see any of you.
During the speech the children have cleared everything away, so that the downstage area is free of furniture, except for one chair which Rappelkopf sits on.
(Franky enters.)
FRANKY. Well, here I am, folks.
RAPPELKOPF. Another brute beast.
SALLY. Oh, Franky, see that man over there? Ma sold ‘im the house, he’s throwin’ us all out. He awready paid for it.
FRANKY. But why’d ya do it, Ma? Give the ol’ coot his money back.
MARTHA. Not never gonna give it back. Don’t come across a dern fool like him ever’ day. So shaddap: you kin git married on this money.
SALLY. Where we gonna stay? It’s night awready!
MARTHA. This here money’ll open any door in town. Hey, kids! Pa, Gran’ma, git up, git up – we gotta go.
ANDY. We’re goin’, we’re goin’. I kin har’ly wait.
MARTHA. Git up, husband! (She yanks him out of bed and shoves him forward.)
RAPPELKOPF. Is he ill?
MARTHA. Guess so.
RAPPELKOPF. Has he had it long?
MARTHA. Oh yeah, this here’s an old ailment. Started last year.
RAPPELKOPF. Lies. It started last night. Throw him out!
CHRISTIAN. I won’t go till I get some o’ that money. I’m on’y human, I got somethin’ up here, so I want somethin’ in my pocket too.
MARTHA. I got the money awready. (Puts his hat and coat on him.) So let’s go. You brats pack up. (Hanky takes the dog by its rope.) Chris’ll take Gran’ma. (She hoists the old woman out of bed and puts a crutch in her hand. To Hanky.) You take the dog and I’ll take yer Pa.
RAPPELKOPF. What about the baby? What happens to it?
ANDY. He’s going under my arm.
RAPPELKOPF. A tribe of Hottentots. All ready now?
ANDY. Yeah. Ready t’go.
RAPPELKOPF. Then get a move on.
SALLY. So we really gotta leave this ol’ place –
CHRIS (crying). Where we was all borned and growed up.
SALLY. An’ I know God’s t’ blame fer all the bad this man’s done with his money.
Sextet
SALLY. Peaceful home, we now depart
With sorrow weighing every heart.
ALL EXCEPT RAPPELKOPF.
Peaceful home, we now depart
With sorrow weighing every heart.
SALLY. And should our fondest hopes come true
Our thoughts remain behind with you.
ALL. And though our fondest hopes come true
Our thoughts remain behind with you.
They go off, two by two. As they leave, they glance around sadly, the dog as well.
DOG (in a subdued tone to Rappelkopf, as it is led away). Bow-wow! Bow-wow! (It follows behind, led on a rope by Hanky.)
Song with chorus
RAPPELKOPF (alone, leaps up from the chair).
Now I am alone and I feel I should stay so,
This solitude fondly I’ll wed, and I pray so.
And none but the mountains and crags I’ll befriend,
To parasites buzzing like flies here’s an end.
No longer I’ll listen to women’s vile gushing,
Much rather I’d hear the swift waterfall rushing.
As servants I’ve chosen the elements four,
Who are ready and able to do all my chores.
The West Wind as my barber I now designate,
Which fans me and curls me or combs my hair straight.
Had I a toupee, though expensive by half,
The storm wind would dress it then, à la giraffe.
In this dark house I’ll live, as snug as I can,
And here laugh to scorn all the follies of man.
Crosses to center stage and stares about him. Near the cottage the former chorus is quietly sung.
CHORUS. Peaceful home, we now depart
With sorrow weighing every heart.
DOG. Bow-wow!
RAPPELKOPF (stepping forward).
I want to hear nothing from wicked folk ever,
The dull I despise and I flee from the clever.
If quarrels they’re picking or if they are fighting,
If lawyers are suing and judges indicting;
If flatterers flatter and turtle-doves kiss,
If anyone sneezes, there’s something amiss;
If sleepers sleep soundly and eat till contented;
If they’re in their right minds or simply demented;
If far off in India oats are priced higher;
If it rains in the city so they stoke up the fire;
If they’re celebrating a wedding or wake
(To think the two different were sheerest mistake):
In this dark house I’ll live, as snug as I can,
And here laugh to scorn all the follies of man.
He hurls himself into a chair. Farther away from the cottage comes the chorus.
CHORUS. Peaceful home, we now depart,
With sorrow weighing every heart.
DOG. Bow-wow.
RAPPELKOPF (leaps up and flings away the chair).
Though all of the world were completely reversed;
Though folks were to virtue by gallows coerced;
Though chastity lay all defiled like a pig;
Though the sick and the dead were seen dancing a jig;
Though nursemaids were needed by ancient old dames;
Though the North Pole were blazing with flickering flames;
Though usurers gave away all of their gold;
Though crowns were as cheaply as cucumbers sold;
Though swords ceased to clash and nooses to swing;
Though eagles went soaring without any wings;
Though anguish and love were fore’er intertwining;
Though robbed of its sunbeams the sun were still shining;
I’d stay in this dark house, as snug as I can,
And here laugh to scorn all the follies of man.
He runs upstage and opens the window. The forest glows in the redness of the sunset, which shines on Rappelkopf. He looks out gloomily, and far in the distance one can hear:
CHORUS. Peaceful home, we now depart
With sorrow weighing every heart.
DOG. Bow-wow.
Scene 5
Slowly the stage is transformed into a small room in Rappelkopf’s house. Center a large mirror. Daylight. Molly and Augustus lead in Sophie, who sits in a chair, weeping.
MOLLY. Don’t fret so, mother dear. He’ll come back when he’s let off enough steam. You
know how often he’s left the house before and run off to the mountains.
SOPHIE. Oh, Molly, I’ve a feeling here (points to her breast) that we shall never see him alive and well again.
AUGUSTUS. If only you’d let me go after him, I’d do all in my power to calm him down.
SOPHIE. Oh, Augustus, the sight of you would make things worse. He was in a foul enough temper, but when he heard you were here, he flew into a rage.
MOLLY. Here come Lizzy and Habakkuk. Maybe one of them has some news.
Lizzy hurries in, dragging Habakkuk.
LIZZY. Come on in, you miserable wretch, and tell our mistress the whole story. In case you don’t know, ma’am, Habakkuk was the last person to see the master. And it was Habakkuk’s fault he left.
HABAKKUK. How could I help it?
AUGUSTUS. He’s white as a sheet.
SOPHIE. Why didn’t you tell us this before? What have you been up to now?
LIZZY. He was hiding in the barn out of sheer terror of our good, kind master. He tried to kill him.
ALL. Who tried to kill whom?
LIZZY. Habakkuk tried to kill the master.
ALL. Impossible!
LIZZY. Is that so? He confessed it himself. You can see for yourself, ma’am, he has a real bloodthirsty look about him. He’ll kill us all in our beds.
HABAKKUK. Ah, the shameless hussy. Just let me get my hands on her for half an hour, ma’am… I can’t take any more of this.
LIZZY. I dare you to come any closer, you renegade!
MOLLY. Don’t you know how to take a joke, Lizzy?
SOPHIE. Speak up, Habakkuk! Why are you trembling so?
HABAKKUK. Out of sheer anger. I acted without any présence d’esprit. For two years I lived in Paris, but my knees ae still knocking together.
AUGUSTUS (offering him a chair). Sit down here and explain it all to us.
HABAKKUK. All I can tell you is this: I was going to cut some chicory, as the mistress had asked, and when the master saw I was holding a knife, he thought I wanted to kill him with my bare hands. He didn’t let me say a word, shook me like a fruit tree, and asked me who had bribed me to do it. I tried to say: the mistress wanted some chicory. But he wouldn’t let me finish the sentence. As soon as I had said “The mistress,” he leaped up, both feet off the floor, as high as the plafond. He kept yelling, my wife wants me murdered, called me a cutthroat and all sorts of names, and without further ado whipped me out the door. So then, out of sheer desperation, I hid in the barn. Until this scheming little vixen started rooting round for me, and now has garbled the whole story.
LIZZY. I heard him say –
HABAKKUK. That you were a low-minded baggage, to want to get a man of my caliber in trouble.
SOPHIE. That’ll do, both of you. So that’s the reason my husband was so angry. He thinks I want to murder him. The whole thing is absurd, but it’s a good indication of his opinion of my character.
MOLLY. Calm down, mother.
AUGUSTUS. Who would ever believe that a sane mind could deteriorate so badly?
LIZZY. Our master always did have a gloomy air about him. When he was a bookseller, his books were always in order, but he never was.
HABBAKUK. He’s a hypochontroversialist. His nerves are all on edge.
LIZZY (laughing). Isn’t it awful – this man lived in Paris for two years, and he’s as ignorant as an oyster.
HABAKKUK. One of these days I’ll lay hands on you.
SOPHIE (to Lizzy). So you saw him running out of the house?
LIZZY. In the direction of the forest. After proving that he was stronger than the furniture.
SOPHIE (weeping). Oh, merciful heaven, what if he did himself an injury? I can’t just sit here, I must go out –
AUGUSTUS. Do stay here.
MOLLY. Oh, Augustus. The Mountain King hasn’t kept his word.
AUGUSTUS. Damn that hobgoblin!
A clap of thunder. The mirror opens and reveals the Mountain King sitting on boulders. In the background, distant mountains and a blue sky.
SOPHIE. Oh, Lord, what’s this!
AUGUSTUS AND MOLLY. ‘Tis he!
SOPHIE. Who?
HABAKKUK. The garbage man!
AUGUSTUS AND MOLLY. The Mountain King!
LIZZY. Heaven help us! (She closes her eyes.)
ASTRAGALUS. Why do you curse me?
AUGUSTUS. You Miracle Worker, whose power is infinite and unquestioned, since it speaks to eye and heart together, you promised us your protection. But, because there has been so much suffering in this house, I feared you would insure my beloved’s happiness only at the expense of her father’s misfortune.
MOLLY (kneeling). If you know where he is now, save him, great Monarch of the Mountains!
SOPHIE (kneeling). I don’t understand what these children are talking about, but if your magic has some sway over my husband’s heart and you are responsible for his turning away from us, undo it and we shall honor you forever as the soul of kindness.
LIZZY (kneeling). Mighty Mountain King, I don’t dare look at you, and I know full well why not. But if you are a gallant gentleman, the pleas of an attractive lady’s maid will have some weight with you.
HABAKKUK (kneeling). I too beseech you, terrified though I am, your royal Stoniness.
ASTRAGALUS. I thought as much; this fear is in your hearts instilled
Because my efforts start in such a vein.
Be not afraid! In matters such as these I am most skilled,
Well in advance I know what must be gained.
Before you can bend metal hard and straight
Deep in the oven’s bowels soft must it grow.
So now his anger’s tempered by hot hate;
His soul’s impassioned sparks fly to and fro.
Then hammer blows will pound him till refined,
His former way of thinking I’ll reverse,
And he’ll forge his own peace with all mankind,
To seek its welfare and no longer curse.
Therefore, despite the ills you shall behold,
When by tomorrow’s sun he comes again,
You all must trust my word, for truth be told,
The next sunset will see your joys begin.
He returns to his former position. The mirror appears as it was.
SOPHIE. Strange as it seems, he’s made me feel easier. Let’s go to my room. It faces the forest and we can watch for the men I sent to find your father. And you can tell me all about the Mountain King.
Sophie, Molly and Augustus exit.
HABAKKUK. The things that go on in this house are beyond belief. (He approaches Lizzy.)
LIZZY. What’s up now, Monsieur? Why are you looking at me that way?
HABAKKUK (deliberately). You wanted to march me to the gallows. So all I’ve got to say to you is –
LIZZY. You lived in Paris for two years, you ridiculous person?
HABAKKUK. Oui, Mademoiselle, and that experience gives me the right to despise your vulgarity. (Exits, dignified.)
LIZZY (alone). And now I’ll go to the master’s room and look at myself in whatever’s left of the mirror, and see if my beauty is still intact. Then I’ll collect all the shreds of the love letters, and one by one I’ll drop their trampled sentiments in the fireplace. That’s what men are like: their vows of love are simply I.O.U.’s drawn on eternity, for none is ever paid off in this lifetime. If ever I’m reincarnated, I’ll come back as a man. I don’t want to be at all as I am now, though I would like to retain my ability to put one over on everyone and everything.
Arietta
If I a girl no longer were,
For that’s not worth a flea –
The military I’d prefer;
A general I’d be.
Oh, I would be the bravest man,
And fight my way to fame.
Though when the cannonade began
“About face!” I’d exclaim.
Wherever flashing eyes were spied
I would direct my aim,
My army t’ward them I would guide
In heroism’s name.
Their glances fly from ev’ry side
As fiery as grenades,
While to the front I boldly stride
Lest my troops be afraid.
“Brave warriors, don’t give up!” I’d shout.
“We’ll win by right of birth!
“If their left flank be put to rout
(She points to her heart.)
“We’ll bring the foe to earth.
“And when of vict’ry we can brag
“Through staunchness of command,
“Right afterward, bright Hymen’s flag
“We’ll wrest from Cupid’s hand.”
And I’d parade with roundelays,
My troops march in review.
If I don’t win a hero’s bays
A wedding wreath will do.
My martial arts would all conspire
To conquer one sweet dove.
Then from the army I’d retire
My darling wife to love.
Scene 6
Deep in the forest. The charcoal burner’s cottage, down right. It has a door next to a window, and a practicable window on the roof. Across the stage from the cottage is a large oak tree, and behind it a bush. Far upstage a small waterfall. Late evening. Rappelkopf comes out of the cottage carrying a water pitcher. He is in a soot-smeared nightcap, a round farmer’s hat and the charcoal burner’s old jacket.
RAPPELKOPF. Now – Timon of Athens is ready. All I need is his close friend, the ass – and if I’m not one now, I used to be. I was too kind-hearted, it was my greatest failing. People don’t like it. Some people, when they meet a man who’s done them nothing but good deeds, will at most say to each other, “Oh, he’s all right, wouldn’t hurt a fly, perfectly happy if you just leave him alone. (Trading half-hearted greetings.) Good day. Good day. Hope I see you well.” But when a man comes along who they believe can do them harm, they nudge each other in the ribs with “Oh, he’s a wicked devil, you’d better be leery of him. (Offering lavish compliments.) Your humble servant! Your humble servant! Might I have the honor of inquiring after your health?” Once they get started, there’s no stopping them. “Your humble servant.” Oh! it’ll drive you crazy! I’m no longer safe in my own home, my wife wants me killed. Did you hear that, you trees, all of you doubly persecuted for man deals you a two-fold death, first felling you with axe and then covering his tracks with fire — did you hear that? My wife wants me killed! What, is the forest so poor in echoes that I’m the only one proclaiming this crime? (Rustling is heard in the bush.) Ah! who’s moving around in there? If you’re human, come out, so that I can insult you to my heart’s content. Come on out! Who are you? Who goes there?
A bull sticks its head out of the bush where it’s grazing and bellows loudly at Rappelkopf: “Mooooo!” From the neck down the bull is hidden by the bush.
RAPPELKOPF (startled). Well, that’s one I didn’t expect. (Tears off a branch and chases the bull away.) Shoo! I’ve yet to invite this kind of company.
ASTRAGALUS steps forward.
ASTRAGALUS. You don’t deserve anything better. Why did you chase away this child of my herd?
RAPPELKOPF. Father had better look after his children. This is my turf, and I don’t allow anything on the premises that has four feet or two. So clear out, father and son!
ASTRAGALUS. You’re wrong if you think you rule your own turf. All the valley at the base of the Alps belongs to me. Let me ask you, how dare you utter these disgraceful curses here? They cling to these leaves like a poisonous frost. You abuse the world through which you crawl like a worm spawned in slime. You hide in the dark bosom of the forest because you are afraid to bask in the rays of a serene existence.
RAPPELKOPF. What’s it to you? (Aside.) This fellow looks like he’s made out of cast-iron. I’ll ignore him, let him stand there. (Starts to go into the cottage.)
ASTRAGALUS (taking aim). Halt! Your answer or your life.
RAPPELKOPF. What kind of manners is it to shoot a human being?
ASTRAGALUS. You’re not human.
RAPPELKOPF. Really? That’s the first I’ve heard of it.
ASTRAGALUS. You’ve cut yourself off from humanity. Give me some indication that you are still a member of the race. Are you sociable like human beings? No. Have you feelings? Nothing but hatred. Are you intelligent? I can find no trace of it.
RAPPELKOPF. Of all the nerve!
ASTRAGALUS. Then tell me, with which species should I classify you? You combine a predator’s ruthless brutality with the look and speech of a human being.
RAPPELKOPF. Oh, that’s rich – his logic concludes that I’m a predator and a specimen of a new species at that.
ASTRAGALUS. What is your answer?
RAPPELKOPF (aside). I’ll give him an answer all right – if only he didn’t have that gun.
ASTRAGALUS. Answer, are you fair game, a fitting billet for my bullets?
RAPPELKOPF (aside). For the time being, I’ll have to postpone settling scores with him. But I’d love to polish him off here and now. (Aloud.) Put the gun down. I’m human, far more than you’d suppose.
ASTRAGALUS. Then why do you hate the world?
RAPPELKOPF. Because I’ve been playing blind man’s buff. I tagged Loyalty, but it turned out to be Treason. That stripped the blindfold from my eyes.
ASTRAGALUS. Then you must also flee the forest, for it harbors stunted trees; shun the earth, for it shoots up poisonous plants; distrust the sky’s blue, because it is often veiled by clouds – if you insist on taking the part for the whole.
RAPPELKOPF. What does the whole do when every part does nothing but torment me? I’m no longer safe in my own home.
ASTRAGALUS. It’s your suspicious nature that led you astray. Get rid of it!
RAPPELKOPF. My wife hates me, my child avoids me, my servants rob me blind.
ASTRAGALUS. Because your behavior has made them all wretched. Because you have earned all the hatred you are shown.
RAPPELKOPF. That’s a lie. I’m as sweet as sugar candy. Mine are the only joys that have turned to gall, but I’m not to blame.
ASTRAGALUS. You are most to blame, because you don’t know what you really are.
RAPPELKOPF. That’s another lie. I am Herr von Rappelkopf –
ASTRAGALUS. And that is all you know about yourself. The fact that you’re stubborn, savage and sickeningly suspicious, that you’re driven by obstinacy to the farthest verge of vulgar malice, that you mistake all your shortcomings for virtues – that remains a mystery to you, does it?
The moon rises.
RAPPELKOPF. One thing only is clear to me — the fact that you’re a liar. You accuse me of all sorts of faults I don’t have.
ASTRAGALUS. I’ll wager you have more than those. I’ll prove my argument to you if you’ll entrust yourself to my power and solemnly promise that you are willing to change.
RAPPELKOPF. If I’d given it a thought, I’d have done it long ago. I put my trust in no man. Deceit’s what makes the world go round.
ASTRAGALUS. Do you believe the world was created just so that you could spew your venom on its fair name? Is humanity dependent on your whims? Why should others try to make you happy and not you them? Are you out of your wits, you presumptuous grubworm?
RAPPELKOPF. To hell with all this – worm me no worms, this whole business has become wormwood to me. I won’t give in, you lackbrain logician! I’m too good and you’re too wicked for me to stand here and take this. So get out of here, the moon’s on the rise and you are on the wane. Henceforth I’ll lock myself up in my cottage and plaster over the windows if I see anyone coming.
ASTRAGALUS. So you refuse to be reformed?
RAPPELKOPF. I’d accept nothing, not even if I were up to my neck in water.
ASTRAGALUS. Then come! The proof of this at once we’ll find –
And since pure reason cannot sway your mind,
My magic power to good must bend your heart;
You’ll find the Mountain King will make you smart.
Avoid this house or else, to your despair,
The livid past will meet you everywhere.
If you the elements your brothers name
Their rage and fury you must also claim.
If lightning should this cottage roof consume,
You’ll find its flashing breast’s a warm bedroom.
Since, rather than your wife, you’d kiss the breeze,
Why sure, the howling storm is bound to please.
Your brutish form this ground will never bear,
So over earth’s ingratitude despair.
And since you think to be friends with the sea,
The flood around your neck will swirling be.
Betrayed by fire and water, earth and air,
Of my proposal you will gladly hear.
If to mankind your heart not loving flies
The forest beasts will prove your swift demise.
Quick exit.
RAPPELKOPF (alone). The most appalling boor! But I plan to do exactly as I please. Exactly! You won’t deprive me of my sleep tonight. Good night, friend forest. Sleep well. Oak trees, I’ll see you at breakfast.
He is about to go inside. When he opens the door he sees Victorinen’s Ghost sitting in a chair. She is wrapped in a blue mantle and looks very spooky. Her face in pale, and her whole form gives off a greenish glow. She speaks in an undertone.
VICTORINEN’S GHOST.
And where, my dissolute husband, have you been so long?
At home much later than you ought,
Come right on in, I get so scared alone –
I’ll tear out all your hair, for now you’re caught!
RAPPELKOPF. Good heavens! My first wife. I can tell by the way she tries to boss me around, even from the grave. Nothing could make me go through that door. She’s got the devil in her. Maybe if the window’s open… (Thunder.) It’s beginning to thunder. (At the window Wallburga’s Ghost peers out.) Who’s that inside?
WALLBURGA’S GHOST (in a sepulchral voice).
‘Tis I, false man. Why can you not behave?
Why did you, after me, take yet two more to wife?
I love you so I can’t rest in my grave.
Without you I can’t live, you see how much I miss you.
No other will do. So come in, I must kiss you.
RAPPELKOPF (panicked). Oh, how ghastly! Oh, this dreadful night sends me the second one as well. I know it’s she, by her jealousy. She’s moldering away and yet she says she can’t live without me. What an awful predicament. I’ve got shivers all up and down my spine. (Lightning.) The thunder is deafening and the lightning scares me to death. Maybe I can get in through the roof. But I need courage to try it. (He clambers up. Meanwhile Emerentia’s Ghost appears, sitting on the roof. Rappelkopf is terrified.)
Oh! And there’s the third, as unfaithful to the graveyard as she was to me. (He backs away.)
EMERENTIA’S GHOST.
Where to? You can’t go anywhere.
Stay here and watch the moon with me.
The moon sails out from behind the clouds, and is transformed into the likeness of a phantom head.
That pallid countenance up there,
The likeness of your present wife it took.
She weeps! Look there! Look! Look! Look!
RAPPELKOPF. Now the fourth one’s grinning at me. A diabolical quartet. This fright is getting to me. Ah – leave me alone! I’m going to faint. A vengeful hell has done this to me. I won’t stay here. I have to get away. (Leaps off the roof.) Oh, heaven be praised I’m on solid ground again. But now what will I do? (Storm noises.) The storm’s getting worse every minute. It’s pouring buckets, but those ghosts won’t disappear. (Rain pours down.) The bottom’s fallen out of the clouds. I’ll have to climb this tree or else the water will sweep me away. (He climbs up the tree. The ghosts disappear. Lightning strikes the house and it goes up in bright flames.) If this gets any worse, it’ll mean the end of the world. (The cottage goes on burning. Torrential rain, a howling storm, and thunder. The water swirls higher and higher, until Rappelkopf, who is clinging to a branch of the tree, is up to his mouth in water and only the top half of his head is visible.) Help me, help! I’m drowning!
ASTRAGALUS (appears in a golden boat, which swiftly glides over to Rappelkopf’s head). And just what do you intend to do now?
RAPPELKOPF (terrorized). I want to reform. I can see it now. The water’s pouring into my mouth.
ASTRAGALUS. Then I shall take you to my palace.
Scene 7
RAPID SCENE CHANGE
The boat changes into two stone rams with golden horns. The tree changes into a gorgeous chariot of clouds on which Rappelkopf and the Mountain King now stand. The water vanishes. The entire stage is transformed into a picturesque rock formation depicting the Devil’s Bridge in Switzerland. Children dressed as grizzled Alpine huntsmen discharge volleys of shots as the cloud chariot drives across the stage. Simultaneously, from within:
CHORUS
Now ended is the spirits’ fight,
The sun shines through the darkest night.
The victor is the Mountain King,
With clear intent he’s on the wing.
ACT II
Scene 1
The throne room in Astragalus’ ice palace. Tall pillars of shimmering silver. In the foreground a picturesque high throne, which appears to be carved of ice. Astragalus is seated on it, wearing a long, sky-blue tunic with white embroidery and a capacious Grecian cloak. His beard is snow white and he wears an emerald crown. Alpine sprites, in short white tunics trimmed with green folio-sized leaves, kneel in a circle before him.
CHORUS. We thrill to see you on your throne,
Ruler of the Alpine field.
Your head is decked with Virtue’s crown,
Vice to you must ever yield.
ASTRAGALUS (stands and speaks).
Upon my throne in ice-hewn hall
Your chorus do I gladly hear.
Now the mortal let us call,
For his time is drawing near.
ALPANOR. A long time now he’s been our guest –
Outside we have let him stand.
As you suggested is he dressed:
Your merest hint is our command.
ASTRAGALUS. Deride him well, let him appear.
Rappelkopf is escorted in wearing a drab overcoat for travelling, drab gaiters with silver buttons. His hair is black and his forehead rather high.
AN ALPINE SPRITE. Prince, the misanthrope is here.
They all laugh.
RAPPELKOPF. What’s so funny?
ALPANOR. They laugh because they thought they’d see
Beneath your misanthropic skin
The dragon you appeared to be,
Gigantic, fierce and grim within.
Instead they have the dwarf espied.
So why should they their laughter hide?
You must leave off this foolish guise –
Friend, you have a perverse touch.
You say you everyone despise?
You yourself aren’t worth that much.
RAPPELKOPF. Let’s get on with it. Tell me what I have to do. (Aside.) Damned fairies.
ASTRAGALUS. You struck a bargain with me that you would reform your disposition if I could show you your character flaws.
RAPPELKOPF. And I had four witnesses: earth, air, fire and water. Now convince me and leave me in peace in the forest.
ASTRAGALUS. Hearken to me. That you may see yourself as you really are, I’m going to remove your mind and soul from your own body and place them in another, newly created for the purpose.
RAPPELKOPF. In other words, you’re going to pour my spirits into another bottle. I don’t like it, you’re up to some hocus-pocus. I’ll have to be present at this bottling process. I might evaporate or get blended with something else. I don’t trust anyone any more.
ASTRAGALUS. Nothing will go wrong. I swear by Chimborasso’s ice-crowned brow. You’ll behold your own thoughts, will, behavior and feelings in an exact replica of yourself.
RAPPELKOPF. Then what happens to me? Do I walk around without a soul or do I borrow another one somewhere?
ASTRAGALUS. You will appear as your wife’s brother.
RAPPELKOPF. I never dreamed the two of us would get so close.
ASTRAGALUS. But you will retain the force of your present convictions.
RAPPELKOPF. You mean, I’ll look just like my brother-in-law, but think the way I do now?
ASTRAGALUS. Precisely. Just so that you can learn what your wife, your child, the painter you hate so much think of you. And to make sure you won’t ignore this likeness of yourself, but will thoroughly explore and examine yourself through him, I have made your future entirely dependent on this double’s unrestrained actions. Whatever happens in your house because of him to your loss or gain will remain unchanged when he disappears.
RAPPELKOPF. So if he sells my house, I can go live on the street? Comfortable lodgings, I must say!
ASTRAGALUS. What’s more, your very life will be attached to his. If he loses it while in your place, you’ll die with him. And if it’s his bad luck to lose his health, you’ll grow ill along with him.
RAPPELKOPF. Two men with but one life! Nature is starting to economize. Death has it easy: now it can kill two birds with one stone. All right, we’ll see what your sleight-of-hand can do. Court is in session. A hopelessly entangled lawsuit, which won’t be settled over the course of a century. And now what happens? Do I still have my own soul or someone else’s? Am I my brother-in-law yet or am I still my brother-in-law’s brother-in-law?
ASTRAGALUS. Everyone will think you are your wife’s brother. Therefore I have patterned your outward semblance after his. Alpine sprites, take him to the foot of the mountain. There you will find a carriage and pair. The entire equipage will be covered with dust, just as if you had come all the way from Italy. He’ll be driven to his home, where his arrogance will meet with disgrace, condemnation and judgment.
RAPPELKOPF. All right then, for one last time I’ll step into that sanctuary of evil. I hand my soul over to you, though I know it has as few faults as the Danube has battleships, as the cherry tree has acorns, as your gray beard has blond hairs.
Exit with the Alpine sprites. Only Alpanor remains.
ASTRAGALUS. His obstinacy is what will make my scheme succeed. For once he knows what he is really like, he’ll be just as obsessed with the urge for self-improvement as his mind is now obsessed with these delusions of hate. Alpanor! Have you dealt with the misanthrope’s brother-in-law to prevent his turning-up at the house this morning too?
ALPANOR. It shall be done in a trice. The Alpine sprite Linarius is driving his horses and will maroon him in the mountains until you order his release.
ASTRAGALUS. I’ll change myself to him from head to feet,
(He transforms himself into Rappelkopf’s likeness, in his first costume.)
And make him act the fool in duplicate.
And as a metal rod upon a castle’s roof
Against the lightning offers to be proof,
The hatred ‘gainst the world so long he’s vowed
Will rebound at the head he holds unbowed.
So let the thunder cloud be emptied there,
Let passion spend itself in flame and glare,
Till, from the ashes, life renewing then,
Just like the phoenix, love will rise again.
Scene 2
Wild, mountainous region. In the background a high, practicable cliff, which stretches from offstage right across two-thirds of the stage to approximately two feet from the wings at left, and which ends in a steep drop. On it a covered calèche with two white horses can be seen. The horses stand on the very edge of the cliff. The Alpine sprite Linarius sits on the downstage horse, wearing a postilion’s outfit. Herr von Silberkern, dressed like Rappelkopf in the last scene, is seated in the carriage. He is threatening the postilion with his cane and shouting vehemently.
SILBERKERN. Stop! Stop! What are you doing, you confounded clod, I’ll be killed! Where are you taking me?
LINARIUS. Patience, sir, we’re almost there.
SILBERKERN. That’s impossible. The fellow’s as drunk as an owl, he must think there’s a wine cellar down there. I’ll break every bone in your body, you blasted dunderhead. What are you doing with those damned horses?
LINARIUS. I unharnessed them.
SILBERKERN. Listen to me, you sorry wretch! We’re going to fall.
LINARIUS. We will if you keep jumping around like that. Your tip wasn’t nearly big enough. Farewell, sir.
SILBERKERN. Where are you going?
LINARIUS. To fly through the air. (The horses sprout wings. Linarius rises with them to half the height of the stage. The calèche stops short. At the same time, the back part of the cliff collapses and only the part that supports the calèche remains.) You stay behind on this cliff and enjoy the fresh air. I’ll hitch up the horses again in good time and then I’ll ask for a proper tip. The relay station is at the sign of the Mountain King. Until then, farewell, and enjoy yourself. Hurray! Giddap, horses! Watch out for rocks! Farewell, Herr Passenger, mind you don’t hurt yourself for my sake. (Flies away, blowing his post horn.)
SILBERKERN. Damned hobgoblin! The fellow flies around like a bat. Fly to the Devil, you treacherous raven! I don’t need your horses. (He starts to get out.) Good grief, what’s this? I can’t get out. The carriage is suspended in the air. He’s out to starve me. Confound you, come back here! There’s nothing stirring. I can’t see anyone, there aren’t even any cattle grazing. I’m the only thing in the whole place. (Shouts.) Is no one here?
ECHO. No one here – (More distant.) No one here – no one here – no one here.
SILBERKERN (stamping his foot). I’m so mad I could burst.
The cliff on which he sits opens like a grotto and in it are a number of small Alpine sprites laughing heartily and maliciously. Others peer out from behind bushes, attached here and there to the cliff.
ALPINE SPRITES. Hahahahahaha!
SILBERKERN (angrily, brandishing his cane). Ah, you elfin rabble, you supernatural riffraff. Come out of there and I’ll polish off every last one of you. Oh, this is a fine fix.
More laughter as the curtain quickly falls to reveal a room in Rappelkopf’s house.
Scene 3
Several servants hurry on to the stage. Sophie comes on from the other side.
SOPHIE. Where, oh where is my brother?
SERVANTS. He’s coming up the steps now. Here he is now.
SOPHIE. Run and call Herr von Thorn and my daughter. The luggage goes in the green room.
Rappelkopf rushes in.
SOPHIE (running to embrace him). Oh brother, my dear brother! (She clings to his neck.)
RAPPELKOPF (aside). How appalling! The viper flings herself around my neck. She doesn’t recognize me. Get a grip on yourself, Rappelkopf! (Affectionately.) It does me good to see you again, sister dear. (Aside.) I can’t even look at her. (Affectionately.) How are you, my dear, dear sister?
SOPHIE. Not very well, brother.
RAPPELKOPF (aside). Serves you right.
SOPHIE. What did you say?
RAPPELKOPF. That I’m right sorry to hear that, sister, downright sorry. I know what it is. Your husband is a despicable man.
SOPHIE. No, he isn’t, brother dear. He’s an unhappy man.
RAPPELKOPF (aside). Viper!
SOPHIE. If you knew how much I’ve looked forward to your arrival, so that I could pour out my heart to you.
RAPPELKOPF. Pour it out then. (Aside.) Now I’ll get an earful. Pour it out!
SOPHIE. But hasn’t the trip tired you?
RAPPELKOPF. My feet are tired, but not my ears.
SOPHIE. Then take a seat. (She places a chair for him.)
RAPPELKOPF. Thank you. (He sits.) A tricky business!
SOPHIE. My daughter and her fiancé will be here shortly.
RAPPELKOPF (jumping up wildly). What? (Catches himself and then quickly, with a smile.)
I will be infinitely honored.
SOPHIE. You seem so strange. Is anything the matter?
RAPPELKOPF. A number of things. The trip, the sight of you, I find it very affecting.
SOPHIE. Thank you. There aren’t many brothers like you.
RAPPELKOPF (aside). I’ll say!
SOPHIE. You’ve been away for five years. I’ve written you why I’ve become so depressed.
RAPPELKOPF. Yes, you hate your husband.
SOPHIE. What are you talking about? Where could you find a wife more devoted to her husband than I am?
RAPPELKOPF. Is that so? (Aside.) The things some people say.
SOPHIE. If you could only see my patience in putting up with his tantrums, how gently I treat him.
RAPPELKOPF. Yes, I’d like to have seen that. (Aside.) Her lies are staggering! They take my breath away!
SOPHIE. And his senseless misanthropy has made everything worse.
RAPPELKOPF. But why does he hate people? There must be some reason for it.
SOPHIE. Because he’s a fool and misjudges everyone.
RAPPELKOPF (aside). Well, this is the last straw!
SOPHIE. And yet I love him so much –
RAPPELKOPF. Love a fool? Oh, foolish love! (Aside.) To hell with her!
SOPHIE. And I’m so worried. He’s been missing since yesterday.
RAPPELKOPF. Where’s he gone to?
SOPHIE. In a fit of madness, he smashed all the furniture. He thought the servant was trying to kill him and ran out of the house in an absolute fury.
RAPPELKOPF. Oh, he’s bound to come back.
SOPHIE. No, he won’t. Once he makes up his mind, he sticks to it.
RAPPELKOPF (aside). She grants me that, at least. (Aloud.) But how did he get the notion that someone wanted to kill him?
SOPHIE. It’s ridiculous. I told that silly servant to go into the garden and cut me some chicory, and the knife in his hand led my husband to assume he wanted to murder him.
RAPPELKOPF. He was told to cut some chicory?
SOPHIE. Of course.
RAPPELKOPF (aside). That can’t be true or I’d be the biggest fool under the sun. (Rapt in thought.) He was told to cut some chicory?
SOPHIE. What difference can it make to you?
RAPPELKOPF (casually). Because the coffee I drank in the last inn gave me indigestion. It was poisoned with chicory too.
SOPHIE. What am I to do?
RAPPELKOPF. Let the fool run away.
SOPHIE. You can’t be serious. He is my husband and I’ll never leave him.
RAPPELKOPF (quickly). Do you mean that?
SOPHIE. Of course.
RAPPELKOPF (pleased despite himself. Aside). She’s not really so bad after all. (As before.) And yet I know she’s very wicked.
SOPHIE. Oh, brother! (She sinks on to his chest.) What if my husband were to do himself an injury! (Weeps.) There’s nothing I could blame myself for, but it would my fault all the same.
RAPPELKOPF (aside). The woman is torturing herself. I’m sweating bullets. And these are real tears, my shirt frill is soaked through and through. But I won’t believe her, women are capable of anything. (Aloud.) Calm down, someone’s coming.
Enter Augustus and Molly.
MOLLY. Is it true, is Uncle here yet? (Sees him.) Oh, Uncle! We’ve so looked forward to your arrival.
RAPPELKOPF. As big a liar as her mother.
MOLLY. Augustus, come here.
RAPPELKOPF (startled). Who?
AUGUSTUS (stepping forward). My dear Herr von Silberkern – (Draws nearer.)
RAPPELKOPF (recoiling). Good Lord, what on earth is he doing here?
SOPHIE. What’s wrong?
MOLLY. But, Uncle!
RAPPELKOPF (aside). I must take control of myself, so I can get to the bottom of all this. (Aloud, with restraint.) Forgive me, young man.
AUGUSTUS. Herr von Silberkern, if you will allow – (Steps nearer.)
RAPPELKOPF (vehemently, as before). No, I can’t – keep your distance. (Aside.) I could poison the seducer.
AUGUSTUS. What does this mean?
MOLLY. Uncle!
SOPHIE. Brother!
RAPPELKOPF (catching himself). Excuse me, but you bear a likeness to, a likeness to –
AUGUSTUS. To whom?
RAPPELKOPF. To – to a man –
AUGUSTUS. What man?
RAPPELKOPF. A man who robbed me.
SOPHIE. Brother!
AUGUSTUS (laughing). Herr von Silberkern –
MOLLY. Oh, Uncle, he’s stolen nothing but my heart.
RAPPELKOPF (vehemently). That’s exactly what – (Catching himself.) I didn’t mean. (Affectionately.) Don’t be so childish, I was only joking. (Aside.) Dissembling, come to my aid! (Aloud.) At long last we’re happily met once again, children. (Laughing maliciously.) A happy day! (Aside.) I could jump for joy.
SOPHIE. We’ll leave you alone now, brother, to take an hour’s rest or so. I’m sure you must be tired. There’s a sofa here, and in the meantime we’ll try all the harder to find my poor husband. I won’t know a moment’s peace until I learn what’s become of him. (Exits.)
RAPPELKOPF. Someone else may be able to figure this out, but I certainly can’t.
AUGUSTUS. Herr von Silberkern, I know you have a good deal of influence over Herr von Rappelkopf?
RAPPELKOPF. You’re right. If I don’t, I don’t know who does.
AUGUSTUS. Then you’ll help me!
RAPPELKOPF. You! (He laughs.) I should hope so.
AUGUSTUS. When Molly’s father returns and you succeed in making him see things more clearly, don’t forget my case either. Tell him there is no young man on earth so devoted, so unwaveringly faithful to his charming daughter, or who feels such sincere gratitude to her honorable but misguided father as I, the unjustly persecuted Augustus Thorn. (Bows and exits.)
RAPPELKOPF (his paternal feelings break out and he fervently sweeps Molly into his arms). You are my child, even if I’m not your father. (Holds her head in his hands.) I can’t resist. I have to kiss you, Molly.
MOLLY. Oh, uncle.
RAPPELKOPF. Tell me, do you truly love your father?
MOLLY. More than I can say, Uncle.
RAPPELKOPF. And you’re not lying?
MOLLY. I swear I’m not.
RAPPELKOPF (happily surprised). That’s good of you and it makes me happy. (Lays her head on his breast.) She loves me! So I know there’s at least one soul in this world who loves me. But leave me now, I beg you for pity’s sake, do leave me.
MOLLY. Are you throwing me out, Uncle?
RAPPELKOPF. No, of course not, I’d even like to kiss you once more. But leave me now or I’ll do something I’ll be ashamed of. Leave me.
MOLLY. Be sure and get some rest. (Exits.)
RAPPELKOPF (alone). This is disgraceful! I’m a misanthrope and yet I can’t stop this kissing business. That was the first happy moment I’ve felt in five years. What am I feeling now? Am I drunk? Impossible. If what these people say is true, they’d be downright angels. That’s ridiculous, there must be something behind it, some plot or other. My wife is a snake-in-the-grass. What does she need chicory for, when all we drink around this place is coffee? But my daughter is a wonderful girl. I won’t do anything to hurt her from now on. I don’t trust that young man either, they’ve rehearsed him. Ah, here comes that cutthroat Habakkuk. He’ll tell me what I want to know.
Enter Habakkuk.
RAPPELKOPF. Hey, Habakkuk!
HABAKKUK. Sir? You’ve never seen me before, sir, how do you come to know my name?
RAPPELKOPF. I might have seen you somewhere else.
HABAKKUK. Of course. I lived in Paris for two years. Would you care for anything, sir?
RAPPELKOPF. What I meant to say — (Aside.) I don’t trust him. (Aloud.) Have you got a knife on you?
HABAKKUK. No, but I’ll get one right away. (He starts to leave.)
RAPPELKOPF (alarmed). No, don’t. I don’t need one at the moment. I only wanted to trim something. (Aside.) He would have done it, he was certainly ready enough to get one.
HABAKKUK. Well, I almost always carry a knife on me –
RAPPELKOPF (aside). There we have it, he’s a born cutthroat. (Aloud.) Now, my dear fellow, I’ll make you a nice little gift, if you’ll help me out a bit. As you know, I’m your mistress’s brother.
HABAKKUK. Know all about it, sir.
RAPPELKOPF (aside). Incredible! (Aloud.) Tell me, how does my brother-in-law treat his wife?
HABAKKUK. Shamefully, sir.
RAPPELKOPF. What did you say?
HABAKKUK. Ah, he’s a pain in the neck, the sort of man who thinks other people exist only for his sake, so he can trample them under foot.
RAPPELKOPF (aside). Well, a true word at last. He speaks his mind, at any rate. (Aloud.) No one should have to put up with that. And that’s the very reason his wife can’t stand him, eh?
HABAKKUK. What do you mean, sir? She cries her eyes out over him. Nothing I can do makes her feel better.
RAPPELKOPF. I was told, though, that she wanted to have him killed.
HABAKKUK. Oh, don’t say that, sir. You can’t be foolish enough to believe that, sir.
RAPPELKOPF. Yes, and you were the one, I believe, who went for him with the knife.
HABAKKUK. Me? No, sir! I faint when they slaughter a chicken. He was in the garden room and no one else would walk through it. The cook needed some chicory, and the mistress told me to cut some.
RAPPELKOPF (aside). That everlasting chicory! It must be true, after all.
HABAKKUK. Wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise, the fiend!
RAPPELKOPF (aside). What gall! Slanderer! (Aloud.) Now tell me, is your master a man of sense?
HABAKKUK (shaking his head no). Hah! (Confidentially.) Just between you and me and the lamppost, sir, he’s a little deficient up here. (Taps his head.)
RAPPELKOPF (aside). I can’t take much more of this. (Gives him money.) There you are, my dear fellow, those are very charming things you’ve told me. I’m quite pleased with you. But leave me for now.
HABAKKUK. Thank you, sir. (Aside.) Ah, he likes to hear me dole out insults. He can’t stand the master. I’ll lay it on thicker and maybe he’ll give me more. (Aloud.) You see, sir, I lived in Paris for two years, but I’ve never come across a more detestable individual. Everyone knuckles under to him, but it’s no use, he’ll never be cured. I’m no medical expert, but my prescription is: thrash him within an inch of his life and it’ll work wonders.
RAPPELKOPF. I think it’s time you left. Get out this minute. How dare you, you ingrate, talk of your master like that? Out this minute, or I’ll break your arms and your legs. (Looks for something to hit him with.)
HABAKKUK. It stands to reason: now this one’s starting in. (As he leaves.) Well, I’ll say this: they’re one horrific family, and I’ve had enough. (Exits, muttering.)
RAPPELKOPF (alone). This is one way of finding out about your servants. He doesn’t speak so badly of my wife. He doesn’t dare, because he thinks I’m her brother. But he’s really too stupid to be a murderer. I thought him more cunning. It always boils down to the same thing in the end – chicory! It takes so much effort to talk to these people. But I’d better complete my investigation now I’ve begun it, because I never go back on anything – unless I’m forced to, as I was in the forest today.
Enter Lizzy.
LIZZY. Mistress wants to know if you’d like a cup of tea, sir.
RAPPELKOPF. No thank you. (Aside.) I’ll put this one through the mill too. (Aloud.) What’s my sister doing?
LIZZY. She’s very upset.
RAPPELKOPF. Why?
LIZZY. Because of our master.
RAPPELKOPF. Because of me?
LIZZY. Oh no, not because of you.
RAPPELKOPF (catching himself). Of course not. (Aside.) She doesn’t recognize me either. (Aloud.) And what is my niece doing?
LIZZY. She’s talking to her sweetheart.
RAPPELKOPF (aside). Hellfire and damnation! (He catches himself. Aloud.) What sort of man is he?
LIZZY. Very loveable.
RAPPELKOPF. What does that mean? Is he courting you too?
LIZZY. Hardly. He doesn’t dare look at another girl. He’ll end up a henpecked husband. I’m sure he doesn’t tip just so he won’t have to touch my hand. He and the young mistress are perfect for one another, and it’s a crying shame the master won’t give his consent.
RAPPELKOPF (angrily). He’s right not to give it. The young man has no respect for him.
LIZZY. He respects him far more – excuse me, sir, for talking like this about your brother-in-law – far more than he deserves.
RAPPELKOPF (aside). It’s as if they’ve all ganged up on me. Patience, stand by me now! (Aloud.) I’d like to give you a little something, but you must tell me, quick as you can, all your master’s faults and flaws.
LIZZY. Quickly? That’s impossible, sir.
RAPPELKOPF. Why?
LIZZY. Because if I began this very moment, I wouldn’t be finished by tomorrow morning.
RAPPELKOPF. I wish I had the patience to listen to it all.
LIZZY. Let’s just say he’s a misanthrope. I can’t understand how a man with such a lot of money, such a good-natured wife, such a well-bred daughter, and such an attractive lady’s maid could be a misanthrope.
Song
Oh, the world is blithe and bonny,
Life so lovely, bright and gay.
Why must man resist, how can he,
When good luck comes in his way?
All are seeking after pleasure,
The world unites in love and hope,
Nastiest beyond all measure
Is for sure the misanthrope.
Naught but cheerful feelings bless us,
Naught but joy uplifts the soul,
Naught but loving charms caress us,
Hate will only spoil the whole.
So when everyone is gladsome,
Bright stars in our horoscope,
In the gloomy wood, so sadsome,
Lonely sits the misanthrope.
Look upon this sun so golden,
As it leaves dawn’s clouds behind,
How with joy it doth embolden
All our good will to mankind:
How can we wish ill to others?
Hatred’s not within our scope,
Love your neighbors as your brothers,
You’ll not be a misanthrope.
Exits.
RAPPELKOPF (alone). This is awful. Do I have to be sung at, into the bargain? This insult is played out fortissimo and I can’t beat time to it. And that one word keeps recurring!
Who’s that now?
Sophie and Lizzy rush in.
SOPHIE. Brother, he’s here!
RAPPELKOPF. Who?
LIZZY. The master!
SOPHIE. My husband!
RAPPELKOPF. I’m right here, so I am. (He strikes his chest in glee.) Since the world began no one has been so curious about himself as I am.
ASTRAGALUS (shouting, still outside the door). …let no one be allowed near me!
RAPPELKOPF. My very voice. I hear my own self. (Steps back.)
Enter Astragalus transformed into Rappelkopf.
ASTRAGALUS (when he sees Sophie, recoils and exclaims). Ah! (He starts to leave.)
RAPPELKOPF (quickly). That’s me all right.
SOPHIE (holding him back). Oh, please stay, dearest! We’re so glad you’re back.
ASTRAGALUS (tearing himself loose). Leave me. Either you go or I do.
SOPHIE (making an effort to restrain herself). No, you stay. I’ll go. (Exits, sighing.)
Astragalus steps forward with a look of rage on his face, stops with his arms crossed and looks wildly about, without taking notice of Rappelkopf.
RAPPELKOPF (staring at him from top to toe in horrified wonderment). It is me – I’m not in a very good humor, but that’s nothing new.
ASTRAGALUS (to Lizzy). What do you want?
LIZZY (trembling). To ask if you’d like anything, sir.
RAPPELKOPF. It’s a pleasure to see how scared of me they are.
ASTRAGALUS. Where’s the ink?
LIZZY. There. (She points to the desk.)
ASTRAGALUS. And the pens?
LIZZY (frightened). I don’t have any.
RAPPELKOPF. So – the little goose is out of quills.
ASTRAGALUS. Then get some! Do you hear me? Get out, you serpent, you basilisk, you crocodile, you boa constrictor!
RAPPELKOPF. I seem to know my zoology.
LIZZY. Right away. (As she leaves.) The devil brought him back to us. I’ll not show my face in this room again. (Exits.)
RAPPELKOPF. She’s gone. I don’t know, I’m rather pleased with myself. Although I am a trifle rash.
ASTRAGALUS (decisively). Yes! I’m going to draw up my will.
RAPPELKOPF (aside). Will? Not a bad idea, though I’d better prevent him. (Aloud.) Greetings, brother-in-law. I’ve just arrived.
ASTRAGALUS. Who are you?
RAPPELKOPF (delighted). How odd to stand face to face with one’s self.
ASTRAGALUS (quickly). What are you doing here? Why didn’t you write? Have you brought the interest you owe me? What shape are my investments in?
RAPPELKOPF. Not bad, I’d like to know those things myself.
ASTRAGALUS. Our firm in Venice isn’t supposed to be doing well. Has it gone under yet?
RAPPELKOPF (startled). Gone under? What an idea! (Aside.) It scares me too.
ASTRAGALUS. I haven’t received my dividends.
RAPPELKOPF. Nor have I.
ASTRAGALUS. You must have. Otherwise, you would have sent them to me. There’s something fishy about all this.
RAPPELKOPF. Well, let me say –
ASTRAGALUS. Don’t say anything – I know the world, it’s all a pack of predators –
RAPPELKOPF. I –
ASTRAGALUS (angrily). Silence!
RAPPELKOPF. I wish he didn’t choose to yell so, it hurts my ears.
Enter Habakkuk, with quill pens.
HABAKKUK (trembling). Sir, here are the quills.
ASTRAGALUS (amazed). Ah! The murderer dares to show his face! (Picks up the chair and steps back.) Don’t come near me! Cutthroat!
RAPPELKOPF. Ah, that’s carrying it too far. Who could be afraid of this nincompoop?
HABAKKUK. The mistress wants to know if she can come back in.
ASTRAGALUS. No.
HABAKKUK. But she’s crying badly.
ASTRAGALUS. Then she should learn to cry better. (Laughs.) Or I’ll start laughing.
HABAKKUK. But what if it makes her sick?
ASTRAGALUS. I hope she gets gout! Off to the hospital with her!
RAPPELKOPF (aside). Peculiar sense of humor.
HABAKKUK. Ah, excuse me, sir, but that’s going too far. I lived in Paris for two years, but I–
ASTRAGALUS (jumping up). If you dare speak that insufferable phrase in my house again, I’ll– I’ll give you your reward at once. (He throws a purse at his feet, hitting Rappelkopf on the shin.)
RAPPELKOPF (lifting his leg). Oh, damn! Watch where you throw your hard cash.
ASTRAGALUS. Did I hurt you?
RAPPELKOPF. I think I’ve got a dent in my foot.
ASTRAGALUS. Serves you right. (To Habakkuk.) If you say those words once more, you leave my service on the spot. Even if I’m not around. Take it!
RAPPELKOPF. My spittin’ image. (To Habakkuk.) Well, pick it up.
HABAKKUK. Sir, I can’t touch that money, because I’ve got nothing to be proud of except that I lived in Par—
ASTRAGALUS (grabbing him by the throat). I’ll throttle you if you utter another syllable.
HABAKKUK. Help! Help me!
RAPPELKOP (springing between them). But, brother-in-law, I can’t believe what you’re doing.
ASTRAGALUS (still holding Habakkuk). You lived where, for how long? Two years? In Paris?
HABAKKUK (howling in terror). No, in Stockerau!
ASTRAGALUS. Now you can go to Timbuctoo! (Shoves him out the door.)
RAPPELKOPF. There does seem to be something off-putting about my behavior. If this goes on, I don’t think I’ll be able to get along with myself. Well! I should put this money away. We have a tidy little counting-house here – when one throws something down, the other picks it up. If only it weren’t true that whatever happens to him must happen to me. How long is he going to stay out there in that state of excitement? If he catches a chill, we’ll both get colic.
Astragalus re-enters.
ASTRAGALUS. I found no peace in the forest, and they won’t provide me any either. They’re all so spiteful they might very well poison me. (He sits.)
RAPPELKOPF. That’s going too far. If only he could be talked to. Brother-in-law!
ASTRAGALUS (turning his back on him). Out, you monster!
RAPPELKOPF. That’s just the way I used to be… (Aloud.) What for? We’re the best of friends.
ASTRAGALUS. I am no man’s friend. I don’t even want to look at you. There’s something suspicious about your face.
RAPPELKOPF. But you don’t think I’m a swindler, do you?
ASTRAGALUS. Perhaps not. Yet when I look at you, the thought comes to mind.
RAPPELKOPF. That’s an insult. I wouldn’t have thought myself capable of such rudeness, but I do remember similar remarks.
ASTRAGALUS (shouting out the window). Stop! Who’s that sneaking out the door! Hellfire and brimstone! It’s that young painter, the one that’s after my daughter.
RAPPELKOPF. Here we go.
ASTRAGALUS. Wait, you won’t get away from me. (Dashes out the door, pushing Rappelkopf, who was in his way, to one side.)
RAPPELKOPF. How can I be so frantic? I’m starting to be downright odious to myself. I never would have expected that.
ASTRAGALUS (shouting offstage). Get in here, I won’t let go of you.
RAPPELKOPF. He’s collared him.
ASTRAGALUS (offstage). Inside, I said!
RAPPELKOPF. And the way he yells! And all this goes on my bill. Before this is over, he’ll have stripped my vocal chords.
Astragalus pulls in Augustus by the hand.
ASTRAGALUS. Inside, you seducer. How dare you enter my house? By what right came you here?
RAPPELKOPF. Well said. I like that.
AUGUSTUS (quite pale). My love, Herr von Rappelkopf, and my honorable intentions.
ASTRAGALUS. Ha! You couldn’t afford any, since you have no intention of making a living.
RAPPELKOPF. Bravo!
ASTRAGALUS. I can marry my child to whomsoever I please, for I am her father.
RAPPELKOPF. Bravissimo!
ASTRAGALUS. And it’s sheer impudence, your slinking around my house against my will, trying to make my daughter disobey me.
RAPPELKOPF. Very nicely put, I must give myself credit.
AUGUSTUS. Herr von Rappelkopf, I beseech you by all the passions that ever assailed your heart, take pity on mine. I cannot live without your daughter. I have been away for three years, and my feelings have not altered. I have a little property. I have improved my artistic abilities. If only you’ll give me your consent, I shall never forget it, sir, and in me you will gain a very grateful son.
RAPPELKOPF. He’s not so bad after all. My alter ego shouldn’t be so hard on him.
ASTRAGALUS. I don’t trust what you say, for treachery glowers in your eyes. Don’t you dare darken my door again. My door will be open to ravening wolves before I allow birds of prey to nest under my eaves, before I nurse vipers in my bosom, before I let all contagions rage through the house. And I will invite the plague to sup at my table before I permit your lungs to draw a single breath in my home.
RAPPELKOPF. This is madness! It’s almost incredible that a man can act like this.
AUGUSTUS. Herr von Rappelkopf, if a human life means anything to you, do not make me suffer so. Herr von Silberkern, please reason with him.
RAPPELKOPF. I really can’t. I’ll be lucky if he doesn’t throw me out.
AUGUSTUS. Then you want to bereave me of my life by force?
ASTRAGALUS (snidely). I’d be greatly indebted if you made me a present of it.
RAPPELKOPF (irritated). Oh, that’s horrible. Brother-in-law — (Starts towards Astragalus.)
ASTRAGALUS (violently). Shut up! You’re in cahoots with him. But I swear to you, by the bowels of Vesuvius, if you dare support my daughter in this intrigue, if you so much as look as if you disapprove of my opinions, you shall return to Venice with a souvenir that will appall all of Italy. (Exits into the adjoining room.)
RAPPELKOPF. No, he’s not like me at all. He goes overboard. He’s a frightfully vicious man, and I’m getting to hate him out of hand. If he keeps on like this, we’ll both be goners in a week’s time.
AUGUSTUS (struggling to control his voice). Good-bye, Herr von Silberkern. Kiss Molly for me and don’t forget me.
RAPPELKOPF. Where will you go?
AUGUSTUS. Don’t ask me. I won’t be able to live without Amalia – (Starts to go.)
RAPPELKOPF. Calm down. I give you my word, she shall be yours.
AUGUSTUS. But if her father won’t allow it?
RAPPELKOPF. He will, though. Don’t worry. Meanwhile, off you go. I’ll smooth it over, and if you have any love letters, give them to me and I’ll deliver them.
AUGUSTUS. Oh, dear uncle, I must hug you. I won’t let my happiness slip through my fingers this time. Tell Molly –
RAPPELKOPF. Just go.
AUGUSTUS. I’ll never forget this kindness –
RAPPELKOPF (forcing him out the door). Good-bye. (Alone.) The fellow is quite acceptable. I almost misjudged him. Things finally seem to be dawning on me.
Enter Habakkuk.
HABAKKUK. Excuse me, sir, for running to you for protection, but it really is too dangerous to talk to the master. You only wanted to break my arms and legs, and that’s the lesser of two evils, which is why I’ve come to you.
RAPPELKOPF. He is such a stupid fool I can’t understand how anything he did could have offended me. Well, what do you want?
HABAKKUK. A favor, sir.
RAPPELKOPF. What sort?
HABAKKUK. You see, sir, I – (Pauses and sighs deeply.) I can’t take it.
RAPPELKOPF. What can’t you take? (Aside.) This fellow is insufferable. He’s starting to get on my nerves.
HABAKKUK. Sir, as you know, I’m not allowed to say…certain words, and if things don’t change, I’ll die.
RAPPELKOPF. But what do you get out of saying that you lived in Paris for two years?
HABAKKUK. You can’t imagine. Everything in the world matters to someone or other. I’ve said it dozens of times. In short, if I don’t say it, I’ll get heartsick and die.
RAPPELKOPF (smiling in spite of himself). I don’t whether to lose my temper or laugh.
HABAKKUK. I’ve been stifling it and it worries me so. Because I lived — (Breaks off.) You see, sir, I’m not doing at all well.
RAPPELKOPF. Well then, why don’t you just say it?
HABAKKUK. He’ll fire me.
RAPPELKOPF. But if he doesn’t hear it?
HABAKKUK. What kind of ears do you think he has? There’s no end to what that man can hear.
RAPPELKOPF. Still insulting me and doesn’t even know it. The things I have to put up with. (Severely.) If he ordered it, you have to obey. I can’t help you.
HABAKKUK. Then there’s no way out. Good-bye, sir! But a time will come when it will be too late. I performed my duties well. I never stole a penny. But this is my passion and I can’t give it up.
RAPPELKOPF. Then go on and say it –
HABAKKUK. I can’t.
RAPPELKOPF. I’ll be responsible.
HABAKKUK. Well, I assure you, sir, I lived in Paris for two years, but will never forget you did this. (Drawing his breath, in relief.) It’s indescribably good of you.
RAPPELKOPF. Then I grant you permission from this moment forth to say it as often as you please, on condition that you will never again defame your master.
HABAKKUK. Oh, there’s not another man like him. And now, sir, if you’ll allow me to embrace you, sir. Sir, you’re my benefactor, my second father. Today the only words anyone will get out of me are: I lived in Paris for two years. (Exits.)
RAPPELKOPF (alone). It’s inconceivable that the one could be happy though totally lovesick, and the other happy again as soon as he’s allowed to say he lived in Paris for two years. It’s absurd, and yet it’s not unusual. Everybody rides his own hobby-horse.
Aria
A motto for the world: It seems
A giant drunk on foolish dreams.
One with the stars alone would speak;
One blissful ignorance would seek;
A third one thinks that, to exist,
He must on perfumed clouds subsist.
One swallows pints of water madly,
One always drains his wine glass gladly.
One’s dumb as lumber petrified;
One can barely move for pride.
One undeservèd wealth inherits;
One runs in debt for all his merits.
Ambition can some men inspire;
The rest wish only to retire.
For eyes the blind would gladly fight
While those that see would lose their sight.
And so the world rolls ever on,
Though never from its orbit gone,
With egoism for its axis.
And in the end, pride pays the taxes.
The world must be – I speak in rue –
A perfect madhouse through and through.
And I discover by this rule
I too am nothing but a fool.
Enter Sophie, Molly and Lizzie.
SOPHIE. Dear brother, what do you make of my husband’s behavior? Have I deserved such treatment at his hands?
RAPPELKOPF. No, not so far as I can see, no. (Aside.) Unless something else happens.
MOLLY (weeping). Oh, Uncle, I’ll be miserable for the rest of my life.
RAPPELKOPF. Don’t carry on so, Molly! (Aside.) I feel sorry for the girl. I don’t care a rap about the others.
Bell offstage.
LIZZY. He’s ringing. Who’ll go in to him?
SOPHIE. Well, he won’t see me now.
RAPPELKOPF. And I don’t want to see him.
LIZZY. I won’t go in there.
MOLLY. Neither will I, mother.
RAPPELKOPF. I am so remarkably beloved.
MOLLY. Uncle, you go!
RAPPELKOPF. I? Not I! (Aside.) I’m too afraid of myself.
More ringing.
SOPHIE. He’s ringing again. I have to –
LIZZY (quickly). I’ll go, ma’am. (She sticks her head in the door to the adjoining room and calls🙂 What’s wanted, sir?
ASTRAGALUS. Some water! Quick!
ALL THREE. What’s wrong with him?
LIZZY. He’s sitting by the window, looking very flushed. He doesn’t seem to be very well and calls for water.
SOPHIE. Bring some. I hope he isn’t falling ill.
Exit Lizzy.
RAPPELKOPF. Not a bad idea. I could use some too.
SOPHIE. Maybe it’s a stroke.
RAPPELKOPF. Don’t say that, you’ll terrify me.
SOPHIE. Bring the first-aid kit. Something to calm his nerves.
RAPPELKOPF. Something to calm him, period, and on the double!
MOLLY (removing a powder from the kit). Here.
LIZZY (entering with a glass of water). Here’s the water.
RAPPELKOPF. Wait, I’ll mix it myself. (Does so. Aside.) I must watch myself to make sure what’s in it.
LIZZY (listening at the door, springs back). He’s coming!
Astragalus enters from the adjoining room.
ASTRAGALUS. So this is how my orders are carried out. (To Sophie.) What are you doing here? What did that painter want here in the house? We’ll get to the bottom of this soon enough.
SOPHIE. Calm down, dear, you’re not feeling well. Sit still and take some medicine. (She hands him the glass.)
ASTRAGALUS (wildly). I want water and nothing else!
SOPHIE. You must take it. I can’t let you get ill. Please take it.
ASTRAGALUS. No!
MOLLY, Ah, Father, do take it!
RAPPELKOPF. They certainly do show patience. I’d like to box my ears, but on his head.
ASTRAGALUS. Then give it here. (He takes the glass.) Oh, hell, what’s in it? It’s cloudy. Confess, you’ve tried to poison me.
MOLLY. But, Father –
LIZZY. Sir!
ASTRAGALUS. No use denying it, the drink is poisoned.
RAPPELKOPF. Ah, the chicory all over again.
SOPHIE. If you’d only listen, it’s just a little something to make you feel better.
ASTRAGALUS. You’re lying.
RAPPELKOPF. I know how I’d cure him –
ASTRAGALUS (dashing the glass to the floor). I’m no longer safe in my own home!
RAPPELKOPF. Horrors! My very own words!
ASTRAGALUS. My wife is a murderess. Get out of here. You’re a harvest ripe for my hate. (He tears from Sophie’s neck the necklace on which his miniature hangs.) What’s this you wear about your neck? Throw it away. All you should have as a remembrance of me is the curse with which I crown your malice. Now, heed me, you murderous female –
RAPPELKOPF. Enough, enough! He’s the very same fool I was. I can’t watch myself any longer.
SOPHIE (collapsing into a chair). Oh, I’m so unhappy.
ASTRAGALUS. Get out of my house! I want to live here alone, with a sign up saying Misanthrope. I want to know nothing more of you or the world. I curse you, curse my daughter –
RAPPELKOPF. No, by God, that’s too much. This man is damning my entire family.
ASTRAGALUS. So go to your painter, the whole route, you can run the entire gamut of colors like a chameleon: green with gall, blue with bruises, red with shame, white with care, yellow with fever, gray with age, and –
RAPPELKOPF (hopefully). Well, at least he’s run out of colors now.
ASTRAGALUS. But I never want to see your face again. Disown me, for I am your father no longer –
MOLLY (weeping and embracing his knees). Mercy, Father, don’t reject me!
ASTRAGALUS. Get away from me. (He kicks her away.)
RAPPELKOPF. I won’t stand for that. Damnation, I’ve had enough. I’ll have to take my family’s side. The man is destroying my wife and daughter. Oh, damn it to hell! You’re not a man, you’re a fiend painting me blacker than I really am.
ASTRAGALUS. Just as I expected, you shameless swindler! I want satisfaction for the plots you’ve been hatching behind my back. Give me an accounting (seizes him by the chest) of my investments –
MOLLY. Help! Uncle!}
SOPHIE. Help! Brother!} together
LIZZY. Help!}
RAPPELKOPF. What? Let go of me! This is an affront! I’ll give you satisfaction all right: a duel!
All the servants enter.
ASTRAGALUS. Bring pistols!
RAPPELKOPF. Bring cannons!
ASTRAGALUS (taking pistols from the wall). Take these.
RAPPELKOPF. A regular Battle of Navarino.
SOPHIE. Oh, husband, please don’t.
ASTRAGALUS. No use.
MOLLY. Uncle, don’t be foolish.
RAPPELKOPF. Go away, I haven’t any time for that.
ASTRAGALUS. Five paces will do. We fire together. At the count of three.
SOPHIE. Be reconciled!
RAPPELKOPF. We’re the best of friends, we couldn’t be closer. Go away, this is something I have to do. (Counts and aims.) One, two –
SOPHIE (fainting). Oh!
RAPPELKOPF. She fainted and I haven’t even fired yet.
MOLLY. She’s dying.
RAPPELKOPF. She’ll keep.
ASTRAGALUS. Fire!
MOLLY (clinging to her father). Oh, Uncle, stop, or you’ll be the cause of two deaths.
RAPPELKOPF (staggering back). What? No, I remember, I can’t fight with him! We’ve only got one life between us. If I kill him, I’ll be shooting myself dead. If I had fired, it would be all over now.
ASTRAGALUS. Come on! Why did you stop?
RAPPELKOPF. If one of us doesn’t come to his senses, there’ll be hell to pay.
ASTRAGALUS. Only one of us will fall, you or I.
RAPPELKOPF. That’s not right, we’ll fall together.
ASTRAGALUS. Same thing. It’s a matter of life and death. (He aims.)
RAPPELKOPF. Stop! It’s a matter of death and death!
ASTRAGALUS (going up to him). Why won’t you shoot, you craven coward?
In the meantime Sophie has recovered.
RAPPELKOPF. Because I pity my sister. I don’t want to make her a widow. And I pity your daughter and your brother-in-law and the whole lot of them. (Aside.) It’s a pity I never know the right thing to say.
ASTRAGALUS. I won’t preserve my life for her sake, and I am indebted least of all to you. It’s of no use to me, I’ll throw it away. I can do without these insipid dregs of age and decrepitude.
RAPPELKOPF. The way he tosses my life around. And it doesn’t affect him a bit.
ASTRAGALUS. But I won’t tolerate your cowardice. Clear out of my house or I’ll throw you out –
RAPPELKOPF. Now he’s going to throw me out of my own house! The man is making sport of me, and if I anger him enough, we’ll both have a stroke. I don’t know what he’s going to do now, but I can see I was an irrational brute, a savage beast. And now I want to know what more is in store.
Habakkuk enters quickly with a letter.
HABAKKUK (in a monotone). A letter.
RAPPELKOPF. From Paris? You blockhead!
HABAKKUK. No, this time it’s from Venice.
ASTRAGALUS (lunges at him). Venice? Give it here!
RAPPELKOPF. Give it here. I’m interested in this myself. (Tries to peer inside.)
ASTRAGALUS. What are you up to?
RAPPELKOPF (indignantly). So. Now I’m not allowed to read my own mail. You confounded double! (As he reads, Astragalus is uneasy, pale and trembling.) Must be lovely news.
ASTRAGALUS (drops the letter, trembling. He speaks in horror). I’m ruined.
RAPPELKOPF (beginning to tremble). Then so am I.
ASTRAGALUS (sinking into a chair). I don’t feel well.
RAPPELKOPF. Neither do I. (Sinks into the chair opposite.)
ASTRAGALUS. I’m bankrupt.
RAPPELKOPF. It’s all over.
ALL. Water! Water!
The women are attended to. Lizzy runs off.
ASTRAGALUS (jumping up). Water! Yes, now I remember. (To Rappelkopf.) This is all your doing, you traitor! (He rushes out.)
RAPPELKOPF (also jumping up). No, it’s all my brother-in-law’s doing. Where’s that letter? (Reads it, stiffening.) “Dear sir, this is to inform you that the company in which your property is invested, has – has – has – collapsed.” And I’m lying there beside it. Any minute now I’ll drop dead.
Lizzy enters, quaking with fear.
LIZZY. Help! Help! Master’s run off, he says he’ll drown himself. He jumped in the river.
SOPHIE. Oh, my husband!
MOLLY. Oh, my father!
ALL. Stop him! (Everyone runs out.)
RAPPELKOPF (frozen in fear). Stop him, the miserable wretch! What is the man doing with my life? I escape one death and head for another. (He falls to his knees.) I can’t move. He’s jumping in. He’s under water now. I’m starting to swim. (Dragging himself forward.) God help me, I was a misanthrope before, but never again. Give me strength, Despair, or else I’ll die. (Exit.)
Scene 4
An open area in front of the manor house. In the background a river, at the side a steep cliff.
The entire household. Molly. Augustus. Astragalus is secured. Sophie kneels before him. Tableau.
CHORUS. Stop him now! Stop him now!
Make sure he’s held fast.
Don’t let him go! Don’t let him go!
His wits are gone at last.
Astragalus tears himself loose and rushes to the top of the cliff. At that moment Rappelkopf enters and shouts “Stop!” Astraqgalus jumps. Rappelkopf faints into the arms of his wife and daughter.
Scene 5
RAPID SCENE CHANGE
to the Temple of Knowledge. Tall pillars of crystal traced in gold. On the back wall a large sun, in whose midst Truth hangs suspended. Before it, an altar for votive offerings. The figure of Astragalus that had leapt into the water was a dummy, and he himself appears as at the start of Act II. With him are the Alpine sprites. Rappelkopf in the meantime has returned to his original appearance. Enter Sophie, Molly, and Augustus.
ASTRAGALUS (to Rappelkopf). Welcome to the Temple of Clear, Resplendent Knowledge, to the halls illumined by Truth. I behold you standing before me abashed and repentant.
RAPPELKOPF. Am I still alive? I didn’t drown with you?
SOPHIE. You’re still alive, dear husband.
MOLLY. You are alive, father.
RAPPELKOPF. And in future I’ll live only for you. (Embraces both.) If I am not too wicked for you to live for me.
ASTRAGALUS. You have beheld misanthropy and the misanthrope’s downfall.
RAPPELKOPF. And is he really gone, that accursed partner in flesh, that caricature of my beastliness?
ASTRAGALUS. He vanished along with the misanthropy.
RAPPELKOPF. Well, they made a pretty pair. I’m glad to be rid of them. But since your Highness is so mighty, perhaps you could also do something about my lost fortune. That way I can also forgive my brother-in-law, since he’s the only one I still hate.
The sound of a post horn. Linarius, dressed as a postilion, enters with Herr von Silberkern.
LINARIUS. I now discharge my passenger from his journey through the sky. The Alpine air seems to have done him some good.
SILBERKERN. Just you wait, you liveried rascal. Brother-in-law, is that you?
RAPPELKOPF. You’re my brother-in-law all right, showing up when everything’s over and done with. My losses are your fault, I’m a beggar now.
SILBERKERN. One who possesses a hundred thousand guilders, which I deposited to your account in the bank, unbeknownst to you, before the company collapsed. I got wind of it and wanted to save your investment, so that I could hand you the receipts as I do now.
RAPPELKOPF. Oh, what a brother-in-law! This is splendid, to bring such gifts when you pay a call. (Embraces him. Silberkern then embraces Sophie.) Children, my fortune, this great quantity of “change” has quite changed my sorrow to sheer delight. Brother-in-law, I’ll never forget you for this.
SILBERKERN. You can repay me for the anxiety I suffered on your behalf.
RAPPELKOPF. I’ll trade my own for it. You didn’t come off so badly.
SILBERKERN. But how does it all add up?
RAPPELKOPF. We’ll tell you about it in the morning, otherwise it might be too much for these people. For I’ve already said so much today I can never say again, except (to Augustus): you shall be my son-in-law. Take her. But as you’re a painter, mind you don’t besmirch her or her reputation. Love her as much as I so wrongly hated her, and she’s bound to be happy.
AUGUSTUS and MOLLY (together). Ah, Father!
RAPPELKOPF (pointing to the Mountain King). He’s the one that deserves your thanks.
AUGUSTUS, MOLLY (throwing themselves at his feet). Mighty Mountain King, we thank you.
ASTRAGALUS (warmly).
I promised you a wreath just yesterday,
When in the vale I saw your bitter tear.
You see, my word I’ve broken in no way:
Your sorrow’s gone and now your wreath is here.
He takes a wreath of Alpine flowers, handed to him by one of the sprites, and places it on Molly’s head.
Accept it then, you maid of metal rare.
Hold fast the loving promise it will bring.
When I, as father, make you both a pair,
Take heed you don’t forget the Mountain King.
Exits.
RAPPELKOPF. Children, I’m a misanthrope retired, stay with me and I will gladly spend the days of my life in the Temple of Knowledge.
FINAL SONG
Self Knowledge, you pleasing and bright-shining star,
Not everyone seeks you, some wish you afar –
For instance, the people who rob us and cheat us
Don’t wish to be known. How then could they defeat us?
Let’s speak first of beauties in dazzling array,
Whose beauty men know and respect right away.
Plain women take longer, but once understood,
They bless us with comfort and everything good.
For love above all needs sweet knowledge’s savor,
Some artful coquette’s always angling for favor –
Today if the flags in her praise are not flown,
It isn’t because her desires are not known!
Youth flexes its muscles in knowledge’s bower
And makes a great show of its reasoning power;
But when it’s Maturity’s turn to be tried
Then Knowledge itself will appear at its side.
All sensible humans should know themselves well,
A tenet on which ancient sages did dwell,
So that each one can say when put to an exam,
I now understand and I know who I am.
End of play
The Mercurian 