Scapin the Scammer
By Molière
Adapted into English Verse by Brian Vinero
Volume 8, Number 2, Fall 2020
Many of the plays of Moliere were written in rhymed verse, including the two that are often considered his greatest, most-lasting contribution to world theatre: Le Misanthrope and Tartuffe. When these plays are translated into rhyming couplets when performed in English, particularly in the masterful translations of Richard Wilbur, they take on a style and elan that creates an approximation of the French originals. There have also been many translations of Moliere’s verse plays that render them into prose. An English speaker making a comparison might imagine A Midsummer Night’s Dream translated into French prose with everyday dialogue, rather than the poetry and heightened language of Shakespeare. While the plot and characters, and occasionally the wit, still can come through, they can never create the larger-than-life theatricality and classicism of the originals.
This creates a dual issue for the translator when attempting one of Moliere’s many comedies that were originally written in prose. The writer faces how to bring it to life in English with the sense and style of another place and time and also address the more rapid cadence of the French language, which is instrumental to the pace and nuance of the Moliere oeuvre. Both issues are resolved when translating a play into verse as the rhymed couplets not only elevate the language, but also keep the actors moving along to the clip of iambic pentameter.
So, I took my inspiration from Moliere’s grander plays and have crafted my translation of Les Fourberies de Scapin into rhymed verse. The use of iambic pentameter is particularly helpful for the actor playing the title role. It requires him to speak copious amounts of rapid-fire dialogue as the farce intensifies. The consistent beat and rhythm is very helpful to keep the performer on track while playing a very demanding role. The rhyming dialogue also allows for additional humor to be mined from what is already a very funny play. My hope is to create a version of this play that will allow English speaking actors to celebrate Moliere’s style, wit and incredible contributions to the art of comedy.
Molière (1622-1673). The man who would become one of France’s most-renowned writers was born Jean-Baptiste Poquelin before attaining remarkable success as an actor and playwright under the name Molière. His plays built on the traditions of commedia dell’arte, yet refined the street theatre style to a form elegant enough to enchant French society and royalty. He also maintained commedia dell’arte’s broad characterizations and satire yet added depth and social commentary that gave his plays a gravitas that is celebrated worldwide to this day. While his plays were generally uproariously humorous, they also jabbed at the foibles of human nature, particularly hypocrisy. This made him run afoul of certain segments of society. Religious groups especially worked to ban his play Tartuffe, which is now widely considered one of the masterpieces of world theatre along with L’École des Femmes, Le Misanthrope, Le Bourgeois Gentilhomme, and many others.
Playwright Brian Vinero is an alumnus of the Minnesota Conservatory of Performing Arts, the National Shakespeare Conservatory, the 78th Street Theatre Lab, the BMI/Lehman Engel Workshop and a founding member of the New Musical Theatre Exchange. His plays have been produced and/or developed at the Praxis Theatre Ensemble, the 78th Street Theatre Lab, the Willoughby Theatre, the West Side Dance Project, the BMI/Lehman Engel Musical Theatre Workshop, and the Midtown International Theatre Festival in New York City, Theatre of Note in Los Angeles, the Jewish Ensemble Theatre in Detroit, and at the Playwrights’ Center, the New Musical Theatre Exchange, the Classical Actors Ensemble, Theatre Pro Rata, and the Minnesota Fringe in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area. His translations of the plays of Euripides include Medea, Hecuba, Alcestis, and the four-play cycle Children of Agamemnon consisting of the plays Iphigenia at Aulis, Electra, Orestes, and Iphigenia at Tauris. Other theatrical works include multiple translations of the works of Molière, a modernization of Thackeray’s Vanity Fair, and musicals adapted from Rostand’s Chantecler and Booth Tarkington’s The Magnificent Ambersons. Brian has worked directly with two Newberry Award-winning authors adapting their work to the stage, has been published by the international literary journal Aysmptote, and has served on the faculties of William Patterson University and Regional Center for the Arts High School. His rhymed verse adaptations of the plays of Euripides, Moliere and Rostand are available for sale on Amazon.com and at the Drama Book Shop in New York City. Member of the Dramatists Guild, BMI, and the Playwrights’ Center.
CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that this adaptation being fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Empire, including the Dominion of Canada and all other countries which are signatories to the Universal Copyright Convention and the International Copyright Union is subject to royalty. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, video or sound taping, radio broadcasting, webcasting, and television and all other forms of mechanical and electronic reproduction are strictly reserved. Particular emphasis is laid on the question of readings, permission for which must be secured from the author’s agent in writing. Inquiries on professional and amateur rights should be addressed to The Robert A Freedman Dramatic Agency, 1501 Broadway Suite 2310, New York, NY 10036 (212.840.5760).
Scapin the Scammer
By Molière
Adapted into English Verse by Brian Vinero
Cast of Characters:
ARGANTE father to OCTAVE and ZERBINETTE
GERONTE father to LÉANDRE and HYACINTHA
OCTAVIO son to ARGANTE, and lover to HYACINTHA
LEANDER son to GÉRONTE, and lover to ZERBINETTE
ZERBINETTA daughter to ARGANTE, believed to be a gypsy girl
HYACINTHA daughter to GÉRONTE
SCAPIN servant to LÉANDRE
SYLVESTER servant to OCTAVE
NERINE nurse to HYACINTHA
CARLOS
TWO PORTERS
Setting: The main room of Argante’s home.
ACT I
SCENE I—OCTAVIO, SYLVESTER
OCTAVIO
Oh what a tragic fate for one who is
In love. What sadder news could ring in his
Ears? So Sylvester, you have just now heard
My father soon returns?
SYLVESTER
He does.
OCTAVIO
And word
Is he returns this very morning?
SYLVESTER
He
Returns this very morning.
OCTAVIO
And to see
That I am wed?
SYLVESTER
That you are wed.
OCTAVIO
And to
The daughter of Signor Geronte?
SYLVESTER
It’s true.
The daughter of Signor Geronte.
OCTAVIO
And she
Arrives from Taranto in hopes to be
My bride?
SYLVESTER
In hopes to be your bride.
OCTAVIO
And you
Have heard this through my uncle?
SYLVESTER
It was through
Your uncle.
OCTAVIO
And he got this information from
My father?
SYLVESTER
From your father.
OCTAVIO
That had come
Within a letter?
SYLVESTER
From a letter.
OCTAVIO
And
You say my uncle seeks to understand
The nature of our recent actions?
SYLVESTER
He
Now seems to understand the nature…
OCTAVIO
We
Are not an echo of each other! Please
Say words that are your own instead of these
Regurgitations!
SYLVESTER
What is there to say?
You have retained the facts.
OCTAVIO
But you still may
Advise me in my foul predicament.
SYLVESTER
I too am petrified by this event
And seek the solace of a wiser man.
OCTAVIO
But I am terrified and need a plan.
SYLVESTER
But I do too!
OCTAVIO
I know I am undone
The moment he returns. He’ll scream, “My son,
The time is nigh for you to die!”
SYLVESTER
But me
A lowly servant, he will likely see
Me flogged and battered. But he won’t dare kill
Me. That is punishment he only will
Reserve for family members. Even so
It seems I pay for your bad deeds.
OCTAVIO (looks heavenward)
I know
That you can hear me. Please show me the way
To my salvation.
SYLVESTER
Maybe you should pray
Before you step in something foul.
OCTAVIO
Oh will
You save your sermon for a zealot? Still
Your tongue and gums, they are so tiresome!
SYLVESTER
As tiresome as seeing me become
The victim of your stupid deeds?
OCTAVIO
Oh I
Am lost and cannot find the way. Oh why
Or where or what am I to do?
(enter SCAPIN)
SCENE II—OCTAVIO, SCAPIN, SYLVESTER
SCAPIN
Signor Octavio what troubles you?
What could it be? What foul calamity
Now holds you in despair?
OCTAVIO
Oh glory be,
My dear Scapin! I am beyond all hope,
Unfortunate and cursed beyond all scope
Of mortal men!
SCAPIN
How can that be?
OCTAVIO
Do you
Have knowledge of the hell I now go through?
SCAPIN
I don’t.
OCTAVIO
Then know my father soon will be
Arriving with Signor Geronte. And he
Intends to promise me in marriage to
The daughter of Signor Geronte.
SCAPIN
And you
Find this distressing? Why?
OCTAVIO
Oh you don’t know
So how I envy you. As I am so
Enveloped by anxiety.
SCAPIN
Should you
Dare tell me then I might know what to do.
I am possessed of many talents. I
Take pleasure helping out the young and try
Relieving all their troubles.
OCTAVIO
Oh Scapin!
If you could only come up with a plan
Or plot or scheme to save my hide. I then
Would be indebted to you, even when
I die, which I must hope is not today.
SCAPIN
Well it seems I seem to always find a way
To set things right by tearing them apart.
When schemes are elevated to an art
Then very little is beyond all reach.
But wit is something that no one can teach
Or learn, it only is within you. I
Could minimize my talents or just try
False modesty and beg you not to gush
In fear I might gasp bashfully and and blush.
But no, I boast. As what have I to lose?
I know I am a genius and I choose
To say it without shame or modesty.
My reputation always seems to be
A step ahead of me. Yet even so
It seems these days that people do not know
Who truly holds the wreath of victory.
Oh, they may look but still they do not see
Who truly pulled the lever or the string.
And that is why I now can barely bring
Myself to bother with a scheme. As I
Once found myself in trouble. That is why
I barely dare to lay a trap or trick.
OCTAVIO
What happened, dear Scapin?
SCAPIN
The walking stick
Of justice found that it could flog me.
OCTAVIO
You
Have tangled with the law?
SCAPIN
We battled through
A little lover’s quarrel.
SYLVESTER
Justice tried
To tangle with you?
SCAPIN
And destroyed my pride.
It used me like a sad, stale tart. Then I
Was left for dead and so I said, “Why try
If my reward is cheap ingratitude?”
So I then vowed to never be unglued
Again by sticking out my neck. Yet still
I am concerned for you. So if you will
Please tell me all that plagues you.
OCTAVIO
As you know
My father had set out two months ago
And took Signor Geronte with him. They are
Both partners in a business interest far
Away from here.
SCAPIN
I know.
OCTAVIO
And left behind,
Myself and also…
SCAPIN
Must you now remind
Me of my charge Leander? Just as you
Are trusted in Sylvester’s care, I do
My service to Signor Geronte. Just as
Sylvester serves your father.
OCTAVIO
But he has
Now fallen fast in love. As now his eye
Has landed on a Gypsy girl.
SCAPIN
Please try
And tell me something I don’t know.
OCTAVIO
As we
Are closest friends he put his trust in me
And told me all and took me to her. My
Intrigue was stoked from his description. I
Expected quite a goddess from the way
He spoke of her. And yet I have to say
I found her merely pleasant. Oh he claimed
How she had no compare to others, shamed
By all her heightened attributes. Her face
A masterpiece, her movements full of grace
And dignity. Her brains, her wit, her flair,
Her conversation skills beyond compare.
Her every phrase a miracle and he
Would parrot them incessantly to me,
No matter how inane. Then he would grin
And moan and sigh and say them all again.
And dare I insufficiently proclaimed
Her virtues he would say, “Are you ashamed,
Ignoring such a wonder? Are your eyes
Too ill-equipped to gaze on such a prize?
Your heart must not be functioning if you
Are so insensitive to love so true.”
SCAPIN
May I imagine that this story has
A point?
OCTAVIO
We were together one day as
We made our way to see her. She is cared
For by her guardians. We weren’t prepared
To hear loud sobbing as we walked along
The street. The sobs and wails were very strong
And coming from a tiny shack. Just then
A woman rushed to us and said, “Kind men,
You must observe and pity two who are
Within! Two women who have traveled far
To find themselves in misery. If you
Have any heart at all I know you two
Will find yourselves so moved by their sad plight!”
SCAPIN
Does this sad story have an end in sight?
OCTAVIO
Well I was snared by curiosity
And asked Leander to go in with me.
We went inside and saw the saddest scene,
A tragedy so sad and so obscene.
An ancient woman at death’s door between
The realms of here and heaven. At her feet
A servant wailed great lamentations, sweet
Words, salty tears and cries. A girl was there
As well in tears as well that welled. I dare
Say it was sad yet such a lovely sight
That softly touched the heart yet with great might.
SCAPIN
Oh, should I cry or maybe snore?
OCTAVIO
How one
As sad as this young girl would seem undone
In her disgraceful state. She only wore
A ratty petticoat and not much more
Except a tattered jacket. And her hair
Just seemed to grow in bunches everywhere
And barely stayed within her bonnet. Though
She was so ragged she still had a glow
And all her many charms were evident.
She shined like starlight, seeming heaven-sent.
SCAPIN
I think I see the light as well.
OCTAVIO
Scapin,
If you had only seen her shine. No man
Could dare deny her attributes and glow.
SCAPIN
I do not doubt it, and I somehow know
Without the gift of meeting her. I see
She charms beyond all measure.
OCTAVIO
And when she
Shed tears they were so lovely on her cheek
No growling sobs, no bellowing so bleak
And mournful. I would say she had true grace
And every perfect tear fell down her face.
SCAPIN
Oh how you paint a portrait…
OCTAVIO
Anyone
Who saw the scene would weep as well. As none
Among us could resist the sight of her
Emoting at her mother’s feet with pure
Devotion from a heart with endless hope
That beats within a breast as pure as soap
Connected to great loveliness unbound…
SCAPIN
Oh yes, I see. I’ve really come around
To understand your clear perspective. So
Yes, she’s special, blah blah blah. And, oh,
Her loveliest perfection blah blah blah
Was just the greatest thing you ever saw.
OCTAVIO
What gentleman or savage could resist
Her virtue so alluring?
SCAPIN
So you kissed
Her?
OCTAVIO
Well, I…
SCAPIN
Nature surely has a way
Of bringing us together.
OCTAVIO
I said, “May
I soothe your tears with warmest words?” And then
I spoke so softly to her. That was when
I took my leave of her and took aside
Leander. As we both stepped out outside,
I asked him what he thought of her. And he
Said that he merely found her pleasant; she
Was pretty, not remarkable. And I
Was truly wounded! How could he dare try
And minimize her wonders? So I held
My deepest feelings in my heart, compelled
To hide them from his callousness.
SYLVESTER
Oh please!
Just summarize your story! On my knees
I beg of you, tomorrow will arrive
Before you reach an intermission! I’ve
A summary that should suffice: His heart
Is then inflamed and so he needs to start
To visit her obsessively. Each day
He’s there to mop her tears and lives to say,
“I cannot live without her love.” But then
He is forbidden by her guardian
To visit her again. Oh how he wailed
And wept and cried beseeching her, yet failed
To move her from her staunch position. Though
The girl was penniless she still did show
The signs of breeding and morality.
And so her guardian was bound to see
Her virtues were to only be released
By marriage vows. Well, that only increased
His madness and romantic notions! He
Obsessed and beat his brain incessantly
Debated, pondered, wrestled with his soul
Went back and forth, no reason or control
And then made up his mind while in a daze.
So he has married her. It’s been three days.
SCAPIN
I see.
SYLVESTER
Compounding things to make them fun,
His father now returns, his journey done
A full two months before expected. And
His uncle will most surely be on hand
Disclosing he got married, which will be
A shock to hear and quite a sight to see.
As he was promised to the daughter of
Signor Geronte and his clandestine love,
A second wife who lives in Taranto.
OCTAVIO
Whatever can I do? Where can I go?
My wife is penniless, and so am I.
SCAPIN
Well, I will say I barely need to try
To fix this trifling thing you call a mess.
What do you fret about? There’s no distress!
Sylvester, you are made of stronger stuff
Than that. I say you are grown up enough
To be his father and his mother. You
Could not give birth to a solution? Do
You have no wit or creativity?
No notions, plots, solutions? You must be
As dense as all the rocks within your head.
Oh, if I did this in my youth instead
Of now I wouldn’t even break a sweat
And trap those two old fools within a net
And barely think about it. In my day,
No taller than a weed I’d get away
With scrumptiously deceptive larceny.
SYLVESTER
I am not you, and I would never be.
My brain is too inflexible, and I
Won’t trifle with authority.
OCTAVIO
I spy
My dearest Hyacintha.
(HYACINTHA enters)
SCENE III—HYACINTHA, OCTAVE, SCAPIN, SILVESTRE
HYACINTHA
Oh my dear!
Can it be true, Octavio? I fear
That tale Sylvester told my nurse is true.
Your father has returned and plans for you
To wed another girl?
OCTAVIO
So sad to say,
But it is true my love. I only pray
This shocking news won’t kill me. But I fear
Upon your lovely face there is a tear.
You weep, but why? Do you believe that I
Could ever be unfaithful to you? Try
To see my boundless love for you.
HYACINTHA
I know
You love me, dear Octavio, although
Can I be sure the love you feel today
Will last forever?
OCTAVIO
But there is no way
That any man who loved you could move on
Without you.
HYACINTHA
I have heard that men are drawn
Away more easily than women and
Their fire burns quite hot but can’t withstand
The blowing winds of time.
OCTAVIO
Oh no, my dear!
My lovely Hyacintha, have no fear.
My heart is true, unlike the average man,
And only beats for you. Just know I plan
To be devoted until death.
HYACINTHA
I need
To trust that what you say is guaranteed
And truly trust in you, although I fear
You are controlled by one who is not here,
Who holds the strings that pull your purse and heart.
Your father wants to tear us two apart
And wed you to another. And I know
That it would be my death, Octavio.
OCTAVIO
My Hyacintha, let no man take me
From you, no father or another. Be
Assured I would renounce my homeland and
My life to stay with you. Please understand
That though I have not seen the bride they bring
For me, I find her frightful. Poor sad thing.
I hate to wish her harm, but still I pray
The sea will swallow her, take her away
Forever. Stay your tears, my dear. Each one
Is like a dagger to my heart. Be done
With all your wails and save me.
HYACINTHA
If it will
Delay your death, I’ll stop my tears until
The heavens send an answer.
OCTAVIO
You must know
That Heaven hears our hearts.
HYACINTHA
Then you will show
Them that your heart is true. For only then
Will we be blessed.
OCTAVIO
And I will prove it when
We are.
HYACINTHA
Then I will be content.
SCAPIN (aside)
I see
That she is easy on the eyes but free
To use her brain as well. Impressive!
OCTAVIO
Here
Is someone who can help us. Have no fear,
Scapin is on our side!
SCAPIN
Yet I have sworn
To never mix with mischief. Yet I’m torn.
Perhaps if you ask extra nicely?
OCTAVIO
Please!
What ever it may take! What niceties
Entreaties, bargains, what? With all my heart
I beg of you to help us!
SCAPIN
That’s a start.
(to HYACINTHA)
And what of you? What do you have to say?
HYACINTHA
Like him I beg to you. I also pray
That you will see our plight as yours and do
Whatever you must do.
SCAPIN
I thought it through
And find I do not know a word called “no.”
So have no fears. Stand back and I will show
You all my talents.
OCTAVIO
Just be sure!
SCAPIN
Oh hush!
(to HYACINTHA)
Now go relax my dear.
(HYACINTHA exits)
SCENE IV—OCTAVE, SCAPIN, SILVESTRE
Now we must rush
And see you are prepared to face him. You
Must stand your ground.
OCTAVIO
Yet I will stumble through
My staunch conviction as my father makes
Me nervous, and I tremble with great shakes.
SCAPIN
Well, find your courage and maturity.
Or in his eyes you will forever be
A boy to him who needs to be controlled.
It is high time you broke free from your mold,
Completed and mature and hardened. See,
You have two feet, so stand on them and be
As bold as you can be.
OCTAVIO
Well, I will do
The best I can.
SCAPIN
I say we put you through
A test. Call it rehearsal. Let us see
You stand with firm decisiveness and free
Of fear.
OCTAVIO (strikes a pose)
Like this?
SCAPIN
Well, that’s a start.
OCTAVIO (another pose)
And now?
SCAPIN
Well, that may work. So, let’s pretend somehow
I am your father and I have returned.
And answer me as if I just now learned
About your marriage.
(acts like Argante)
You abhorrent fool!
You good-for-nothing simple-minded tool!
You are unworthy of our family name,
You shiftless spawn that only brings me shame.
How dare you show your face in front of me
When you have sneaked about ungratefully
And wed without my knowledge or consent?
I simply took a trip. Then off you went
Forgetting all I sacrificed for you.
And what is my reward? Returning to
Your sneering, smug expression! No respect
For me, so happy knowing you have wrecked
Your life eternally. Is this your way
Of thanking me? Is this the way you say,
“Oh dearest Father, I respect you?” Do
You have appreciation? Well, you threw
Out your entire future after I
Threw out my life for you. Just tell me why
You hate me in this way. What have I done
To justify a most-ungrateful son?
You are so bold and took a marriage vow,
A vow you know I never would allow;
A secret marriage that has come to light.
What do you have to say, you impolite,
Unfeeling traitor? Answer me! You must
Of course have reasons for your crimes. I trust
That you will tell me. Answer me right now!
I wait to hear your reasons!
(OCTAVIO is shell-shocked. SCAPIN drops the guise of Argante)
Is this how
You plan to handle him?
OCTAVIO
I am so scared.
You sound like him!
SCAPIN
You have to be prepared
To tangle with him, or just play the fool
And like a simpleton just gaze and drool.
OCTAVIO
I will resolve to stand my ground.
SCAPIN
You will?
And you are certain?
SYLVESTER
First you must be still.
Your father now arrives!
OCTAVIO
Oh God, I’m dead!
(OCTAVIO runs off)
SCENE V—SCAPIN, SYLVESTER
SCAPIN
Come back Octavio! Come back instead
Of running like a weakling! And he’s gone.
Let’s wait until his father comes upon
Us. Here he comes!
SYLVESTER
What shall I say?
SCAPIN
Let me
Do all the talking. Follow faithfully!
SCENE VI—ARGANTE, SCAPIN, SYLVESTER
(ARGANTE enters at another part of the stage, talking to himself and unaware of the servants)
ARGANTE
Who ever heard of such a thing?
SCAPIN (to SYLVESTER)
He heard,
And now it seems he only has conferred
Within himself!
ARGANTE
A reckless thing to do!
SCAPIN (to SYLVESTER)
I say we hear him out!
ARGANTE
I ask of you,
What dare you say about this foolish act,
This worthless marriage?
SCAPIN (aside)
Well, in point of fact
We have a story at the ready.
ARGANTE
Dare
They try deny this insolence?
SCAPIN (aside)
No, there
Is no incentive to deny it.
ARGANTE
Or
Might they concoct some sad excuse?
SCAPIN (aside)
What for?
ARGANTE
Or spin a bit of fiction hoping to
Deceive me?
SCAPIN (aside)
Oh, would we do that to you?
ARGANTE
All that they try will only be in vain!
SCAPIN (aside)
Oh will it now?
ARGANTE
Oh let them dare explain
What cannot be explained.
SCAPIN (aside)
Oh let us try.
ARGANTE
I will not be bamboozled!
SCAPIN (aside)
Oh, but why
Would we do such a thing?
ARGANTE
I’ll take my son
And send him far away from everyone.
SCAPIN (aside)
Oh will you? Well, we’ll see.
ARGANTE
Sylvester will
Enjoy my wrath as I beat him until
His hide is torn!
SYLVESTER (to SCAPIN)
Oh, he remembered me.
I am so fortunate.
(ARGANTE notices SCAPIN and SYLVESTER. He engages Sylvester and speaks through clenched teeth:)
ARGANTE
Who do I see?
This chaperone of chaperones, the one
No household would dare do without. My son
Received the greatest care, I dare to say.
SCAPIN
Signor, you have returned, and if I may,
I’ll say I am delighted.
ARGANTE
Oh Scapin,
Good morning to you.
(back at SYLVESTER)
You have held each plan
Of mine in high regard I know, and my
Dear son has flourished since I said goodbye,
Obeying every order.
SCAPIN
Oh, you seem
Quite well, Signor.
ARGANTE (to SCAPIN)
Quite well.
(to SYLVESTER)
Now dare I dream
That you may dare to speak the truth, you knave!
SCAPIN
The trip was good?
ARGANTE
So good. But I must save
My words for this foul specimen. If you
Would kindly leave so I can tear into
This misery of drudgery.
SCAPIN
You’ll tear?
ARGANTE
I’ll tear!
SCAPIN
And into what?
ARGANTE
No, who!
SCAPIN
That’s fair.
But who?
ARGANTE
Well, him!
SCAPIN
Why him?
ARGANTE
This shiftless scum!
Do you know what he did?
SCAPIN
No, what?
ARGANTE
This dumb,
Incompetent… Oh if you only knew
What he had done and what he did not do!
SCAPIN
You mean that little matter?
ARGANTE
Little? What
Do you call little? This disaster?
SCAPIN
But
I now may see your point.
ARGANTE
They dared
To do this most deceitful thing.
SCAPIN
Ensnared
Within their web of lies…
ARGANTE
They were content
To go ahead and not seek out consent.
SCAPIN
Oh yes, I do agree with you but say
You shouldn’t rage and bellow in this way.
ARGANTE
Oh so you say? Well, I still say I will
Go raging, ranting, bellowing until
I’m good and done. What makes you think that I
Don’t have good reason to be angry?
SCAPIN
My
Own first response was anger when I heard
Myself these stealthy nuptials occurred.
I was so shocked I tore your son apart
And scolded in your absence. From the start
I fired fire full of brimstones at
Him, said he was a most-ungrateful brat
And showed such disrespect. I said your feet
Were both meant to be worshiped with complete
Devotion, to be kissed! And also he
Should mind the path your feet have forged and be
Obedient. I say that even you
Could not have lectured him or put him through
The gauntlet any better. But then I
Stepped back and thought a bit and wondered why
We should be so disgusted; what did he
Do that was so disgusting?
ARGANTE
Can it be
That you would say that he has done no wrong
In marrying a stranger?
SCAPIN
We are long
Past intervention. It was destiny.
ARGANTE
Oh, what a fine excuse! Oh now I see,
If anyone should suddenly commit
A crime, then they must only say, “But it
Was destiny, not me! So if they kill
Or cheat or steal, I say that this now will
Be an excuse, “It was my destiny”
SCAPIN
But what I said was not philosophy.
I meant to say that he was so ensnared
That he could not escape.
ARGANTE
And yet he dared
To step into a web?
SCAPIN
So I surmise
That you believe that he will be as wise
As you, although a youth can never know
The prudence of maturity. Although
I guess we can pretend experience
Can come before our years bring out our sense.
Just see my charge Leander. Even though
I taught him right from wrong, look at him go
Destroy his life far worse than your son. I
Believe that you were young yourself. Don’t lie.
I know you were! And in the bloom of youth
You were a scamp as well. Now tell the truth,
As I have heard that in your salad days
You sowed some wild oats in wondrous ways,
And if a lady dared to come upon
You, be assured her virtue would be gone.
ARGANTE
Oh, there were wild oats, and how I sowed
But did not make a meal of them and showed
Restraint!
SCAPIN
But how could he resist the call,
Confronted by a lovely maiden? All
The attributes within you also are
Within him, so he swept her oh so far
Right off her feet as she charmed him as well.
He goes to see her; how his heart does swell
As he sighs out with words of passion. She
Succumbs to all his overtures, and he
Then makes his move. But what then should occur?
Her relatives arrive and make a stir,
Demanding that he marry her by force
Of sword.
SYLVESTER (aside)
Oh God, he’s good!
SCAPIN
And so, of course
I know you would prefer he live not die.
Well, marriage can be death. But still just try
To see this was the way.
ARGANTE
I was not told
The total situation.
SCAPIN (indicates SYLVESTER)
Well, behold!
Sylvester can confirm it!
SYLVESTER (panicked)
Can I?
ARGANTE
Was
He forcibly coerced to wed because
Of threats?
SYLVESTER (deadpan, terrified)
Oh yes, he was coerced!
SCAPIN
Oh my.
Do you believe that I would tell a lie?
ARGANTE
Why did he not seek out the law and ask
Protection from their threats?
SCAPIN
No easy task,
And one he would not do.
ARGANTE
But why? It would
Have made annulment easier.
SCAPIN
But should
He seek annulment?
ARGANTE
Yes, of course.
SCAPIN
Oh no.
You will not do that.
ARGANTE
I won’t do that?
SCAPIN
Oh
No.
ARGANTE
Do I have no rights? A father has
A right to retribution seeing as
My son was threatened.
SCAPIN
But he never will
Consent to intervention.
ARGANTE
Even still?
With help from me he won’t?
SCAPIN
He won’t.
ARGANTE
My son?
SCAPIN
Your son. Should he admit to everyone
That he was terrified? And then by force
Was forced to acquiesce? Oh no, of course
He can’t confess to that. He would feel shame
And even worse, disgrace his family name.
ARGANTE
What care have I? I do not care at all.
SCAPIN
You do not care? But if he should stand tall,
Then he should say he wed of his own will.
ARGANTE
And I will say that I will not stand still
And let him spin a sad romantic tale
That has less honor than the truth.
SCAPIN
You’ll fail
To force him.
ARGANTE
I will force him.
SCAPIN
I don’t know.
I’d say you can’t.
ARGANTE
I say I can! And show
You all that I mean business! I will write
Another will with pen and ink and spite
And disinherit him.
SCAPIN
Who, you?
ARGANTE
Yes, me!
SCAPIN
There is no way.
ARGANTE
There is a way. You’ll see!
SCAPIN
I will not see you do it.
ARGANTE
But you will.
SCAPIN
No.
ARGANTE
No?
SCAPIN
No, no.
ARGANTE
I know you test me! Still
You say I will not disinherit him
As if it were a floating, fleeting whim.
SCAPIN
I still say no.
ARGANTE
Oh is that so? Will you
Attempt to hinder me?
SCAPIN
No, you will do
It all yourself.
ARGANTE
I will?
SCAPIN
You will. You see,
You simply do not have the heart to be
So cruel.
ARGANTE
I say I do.
SCAPIN
I say no way.
ARGANTE
I say there is a way. I do not jest!
SCAPIN
Oh no, you jest.
ARGANTE
I don’t!
SCAPIN
You will be pressed
By your parental passions and be swayed.
ARGANTE
I never will.
SCAPIN
You will.
ARGANTE
It won’t dissuade
Me. I will disinherit him.
SCAPIN
Oh, I
Would never bet on that.
ARGANTE
I don’t know why.
Your money could be doubled…tripled.
SCAPIN
Still
I would bet far more money that you will
Not do it. As I know you truly are
A decent, kindly man.
ARGANTE
But pushed too far
I can be nasty as the worst of men.
And few would call me kindly even when
My mood is moderate. Enough of you
And all your blathering. I am now through
With this annoying conversation.
(to SYLVESTER)
Go
And find my worthless son, you worthless low
Excuse for servitude. I will now seek
Signor Geronte. I’ll bend his ear and speak
To him of my misfortunes.
SCAPIN
Should there be
A way that I can serve you, call on me.
ARGANTE
Well, thank you.
(looks heavenward)
I must ask. Please tell me why
I have one son and it is him? If I
Still had my daughter that you took away,
Then she could be my heir. (exits)
SCENE VII—SCAPIN, SYLVESTRE
SYLVESTER
Well, I must say
You are a most amazing man. Although
I think we may succeed. I also know
That we are being pressed for money from
Too many people that may soon become
Insistent.
SCAPIN
You can leave it all to me.
The bait is planted in the trap, but we
Require just one player for my plan.
But where could I discover such a man?
A most convincing liar. Let me see…
Look over here, Sylvester. Right at me!
Just tilt your head. No tilt your cap and show
Me your most angry look; that’s nice. Now go
And place your hand upon your hip and bring
A pretense to your posture like a king.
Just play it like the saddest tragedy.
Well, we can work with this. Just follow me,
And you will find yourself in a disguise!
SYLVESTER
I say Scapin this comes as a surprise.
Although I know that you so rarely fail,
I only ask I don’t wind up in jail!
SCAPIN
Our fortunes are entwined like brothers, we
May find that jail is just a sight to see.
And it cannot destroy a noble heart.
Now we have work to do. I say we start!
(SCAPIN and SYLVESTER make a quick exit)
End of Act I
ACT II
SCENE I—GÉRONTE, ARGANTE
GERONTE
There is no doubt this weather will prevail;
Our visitors will be here without fail.
I just spoke to a sailor, and he said
He saw our ship about to sail and head
Here from Taranto. So my daughter should
Arrive here soon. But if she only would
Arrive here at a far more opportune
Occasion. Now our plans have all been strewn
About, and now your son has thrown away
The plans we made for him as well.
ARGANTE
I say
You should not fret about him. Be assured
He will not be a problem. Take my word
For it as I will go to see him now.
GERONTE
My good Signor Argante, how does one plow
The children that he sows then reaps? I say
The way to raise a child is to pray!
ARGANTE
I say that you are most correct, but why
Do you say that just now?
GERONTE
Well, it is my
Opinion that when sons are foolish, it
Is all the father’s fault.
ARGANTE
It is a bit,
But why say that to me and say it now?
GERONTE
Why did I say what I just said?
ARGANTE
Yes.
GERONTE
How
To put it best? If you had raised him right
Like all good fathers do, well then this spite
He shows to you would not be dared.
ARGANTE
How nice.
And I suppose you never need advice
On how to raise your son?
GERONTE
I never do.
And should he dare what your son did to you
I would be devastated.
ARGANTE
Can you just
Imagine he dare violate your trust
And do a thing far worse than my son dared?
What might you say?
GERONTE
What might I say?
ARGANTE
Impaired
To say what you might say?
GERONTE
I say that I
Can’t say what we are speaking of.
ARGANTE
Just try
Imagining Signor Geronte that you
Live in a house of glass. Do you dare to
Throw stones?
GERONTE
I cannot understand why we
Now speak of glass and stones?
ARGANTE
Then I will be
More clear.
GERONTE
Have you heard something of my son?
ARGANTE
That might be possible.
GERONTE
Well what?
ARGANTE
Well, one
Just might believe your serving man Scapin
Relayed a rumor to me. He began
To tell the details, but he got so vexed.
But know what I have learned made me perplexed.
I say that you should seek him out as I
Must now see my solicitor and try
To find a way to find a way to free
Myself from this disaster. I will see
You later. (exits)
SCENE II—GERONTE (alone)
GERONTE
What a mystery! What can
My son have done that is more shameful than
What his son has? What could be worse? I say
To wed without consent in such a way
Is bad, as bad can be.
(LEANDER enters)
SCENE III—GERONTE, LEANDER.
Well, there you are!
(LEANDER steps in to embrace his father)
LEANDER
My father, I am pleased to see you!
(GERONTE steps back, holds him off)
GERONTE
Far
Enough for now! First I will speak to you.
LEANDER
But first a fast embrace…
GERONTE
When we are through,
Perhaps.
LEANDER
But why deprive me of the joy
Of welcoming you home?
GERONTE
Because my boy
There is a matter to be settled.
LEANDER
What?
GERONTE
Just stand and let me scrutinize you.
LEANDER
But
Why?
GERONTE
Look me in the eye!
LEANDER
I’m looking.
GERONTE
Now
You will inform me of your actions, how
You spent your time when I was absent.
LEANDER
Me?
While you were gone?
GERONTE
While I was gone.
LEANDER
I see.
Well, what did you expect?
GERONTE
Expect? I know
What was expected, but you will now show
Me what you did in actuality.
LEANDER
I did not do a thing that you might see
As disrespectful to your wishes.
GERONTE
No?
Just not a thing at all?
LEANDER
Yes, that is so.
GERONTE
You sound so confident.
LEANDER
As I have done
As you have wished, I cannot think of one
Infraction on my innocence.
GERONTE
Although
Scapin has told me otherwise.
LEANDER
Oh no,
Scapin!
GERONTE
Oh how his name not brings a red
Infection on your cheeks!
LEANDER
What has he said?
And what of me?
GERONTE
Enough to know! But I
Will not conduct my business here. So why
Not scuttle off to home? I soon will see
You there. You dared to try deceiving me.
Dishonor and disgrace will see you swept
Right off my will and from my life! (exits)
SCENE IV—LEANDER (alone)
LEANDER
He kept
Assuring that my secret was secure,
So how could he betray me? I am sure
He told my father everything, so I
Must seek revenge upon him! He will die,
And by my hand!
(OCTAVIO and SCAPIN enter)
SCENE V—OCTAVIO, LEANDER, SCAPIN
OCTAVIO
My dear Scapin I say
That I owe everything to you. The way
You intervene is wonderful, you are
A man most heaven-sent I say and far
Beyond all expectations!
LEANDER
Oh I see
The scoundrel has arrived!
SCAPIN
Well, I should be
Most honored to be at your service as
Your greeting is so kind.
LEANDER (draws sword)
Your humor has
Enraged me further. So you soon will learn
A lesson!
SCAPIN (falls to knees)
Oh, but sir!
OCTAVIO
Leander!
SCAPIN
Turn
Away Octavio! Don’t hold me back!
SCAPIN
But sir!
OCTAVIO
In heaven’s name!
LEANDER
I will attack
With all my rancor and my anger!
OCTAVIO
Please!
If only for my sake, get hold of these
Most homicidal urges!
SCAPIN
I agree!
But tell me what I did?
LEANDER
You did to me
What you have done, you scoundrel!
OCTAVIO
Easy now…
LEANDER
Oh no, Octavio. Will you allow
This villain to escape? Let him confess
His sins to me. I will accept no less.
Although I know what you have done, did you
Not know that I am in the know? Now through
Your chain of tricks they all have led to me,
And you will now admit it or we see
Your innards on my sword!
SCAPIN
Oh really? You
Would do that to your sword? Get blood and goo
All over it?
LEANDER
Confess, I say. Confess!
SCAPIN
Inform me of my sins, Signor?
LEANDER
Just guess!
Pick one among your many sins. I hear
Your conscience calling out so loud and clear.
SCAPIN
Upon my very life I do not know
What you refer to.
LEANDER (raises sword)
Maybe this will show
Your memory a clue?
OCTAVIO
Leander!
SCAPIN
I
Now seem to just recall I happened by
Some wine then drank it with my friends. The wine
That was a gift to you. I made it mine
And made it look as if the cask had sprung
A leak. And that is when I went and flung
Some water under it so you would think
The cask had failed. But I just had a drink.
LEANDER
So it was you! You stole my Spanish wine
You scoundrel! Then you watched me go malign
Another servant, letting me believe
That it was her. Oh damn, how you deceive.
SCAPIN
I truly am so sorry. Oh Signor…
LEANDER
I am so glad, but won’t forgive you for
Your current foul transgression.
SCAPIN
That was not
What you referred to?
LEANDER
No. But you have brought
Far fouler curses on me, and you will
Admit them now!
SCAPIN
If we may wait until
I might remember what I did…
LEANDER (moves blade closer)
I say
That you remember!
SCAPIN (stares at blade)
That is clear!
OCTAVIO
Oh, may
Some cooler heads prevail?
SCAPIN
Oh, I confess!
It all is true Signor, I did it! Yes,
Three weeks ago you sent me out to take
That Gypsy girl you love a watch. I make
A full admission; I came home with mud
Upon my clothes, a face marked up with blood
And told you how I was attacked and robbed
By ten barbaric bandits and I sobbed
How now the watch was lost forever. Though
That is not how it happened. I am so
Embarrassed to admit I stole it. I
Apologize Signor, I told a lie.
LEANDER
So it was you who was the thief!
SCAPIN
It’s true.
I simply thought that while I’m serving you,
It truly is a help to know the time.
LEANDER
How kind of you to tell me of your crime.
Oh what a faithful loyal servant you
Now prove to be. But what else did you do?
SCAPIN
That wasn’t it?
LEANDER
That wasn’t it, you foul
And loathsome creature, always on the prowl
For treasure yet can never seem to find
The truth.
SCAPIN
But I am out of truth!
LEANDER
Remind
Me how I am a patient man, as I
Now feel this blade is getting heavy.
SCAPIN
Why
Confess to nothing?
LEANDER
Nothing? Is that all?
OCTAVIO
Oh stop!
SCAPIN
Well, there is something I recall.
Do you remember back six months ago?
That ghost that woke you up and made you so
Disturbed and then he beat you thoroughly?
LEANDER
Yes.
SCAPIN
I confess Signor that it was me.
I am so sorry. You were so distraught
And ran away in terror and then caught
Your foot and then fell down the cellar door.
LEANDER
The ghost was you? You fiend!
SCAPIN
I did it for
A harmless prank in hopes that you would be
Less likely to go out carousing. We
Spend many night out chasing after you.
I hoped you then would be less likely to
Go out at night because of ghosts.
LEANDER
You should
Expect we will revisit this. So good
Of you to let me know. But now I say
The present matter is more pressing. May
I kindly now inquire what you said
About me to my father? Now! Instead
Of further sad confessions.
SCAPIN
Did you say
I spoke some words and to your father?
LEANDER
Pray
My patience is not tested further.
SCAPIN
But
I have not seen your father yet.
LEANDER
You what?
You have not seen him?
SCAPIN
Not since he came back.
LEANDER
And you are sure?
SCAPIN
So sure I’m sure.
LEANDER
You lack
In honesty.
SCAPIN
Just ask him.
LEANDER
But he told
Me you told him himself.
SCAPIN
May I be bold
And say he did not speak the truth?
(enter CARLOS)
SCENE VI—LEANDER, OCTAVIO, CARLOS, SCAPIN
CARLOS
Signor,
I bring bad news about your love.
LEANDER
Oh for
The love of God, what now?
CARLOS
She came to me
And said her tribe would take her and then flee
The city. But you have two hours to
Deliver them their money. If you do
Not send it. They will carry her away
Where you will never see her.
LEANDER
Did you say
Two hours?
CARLOS
Yes, two hours. (bows, exits)
SCENE VII—LEANDER, OCTAVIO, SCAPIN
LEANDER
Oh my dear
Scapin, I beg! Please help me!
SCAPIN
Did I hear
You call me “Dear Scapin?” Necessity
Has come to call and oh so suddenly
I am your “Dear Scapin.”
LEANDER
Who could have guessed
I suddenly forget what you confessed,
And also all your crimes I do not know
Are also all forgiven…
SCAPIN
Oh no, no!
I cannot be forgiven. I insist
You take your sword and stab me. And just twist
It in my guts. Then I will fall down dead
And know I have deserved my fate!
LEANDER
Instead
Of that, I say that you can rescue me
By rescuing my love.
SCAPIN
That cannot be!
Oh no, you need to kill me.
LEANDER
No, I can’t
As I adore the wondrous miscreant
I see before me. He must live to turn
My tragedies to triumphs.
SCAPIN
Yet I yearn
For death, so kill me. Won’t you kill me?
LEANDER
No!
Release all thoughts of death so you can go
And do the things you do to save me.
OCTAVIO
Please
Scapin, you need to help him!
SCAPIN
After these
Insulting threats, how can I?
LEANDER
Oh I plead
With you, forgive my temper. How I need
Your mastery of trickery!
OCTAVIO
And I
Am echoing his begging.
SCAPIN
Could I try
Forgiving all his insults? I say no.
OCTAVIO
You must forget, forgive it all!
LEANDER
Please show
Consideration for your charge when he
Is troubled in a great catastrophe.
SCAPIN
Just out of nowhere all those threats just flung
At me. Oh how they hurt and how they stung!
LEANDER
And I was in the wrong. Oh now I know!
SCAPIN
You called me “villain” “loathsome scoundrel”(sobs) Oh!
LEANDER
My deepest true apologies!
SCAPIN
You said
You’d stab me with your sword and kill me dead.
LEANDER
I beg of you, forgive me! I will kneel
Upon this dusty floor and then appeal
To your accommodating nature.
(kneels on floor, goes into “begging” stance and bellows:)
Dear
Scapin do not forsake me!
OCTAVIO
Do you hear
That sad, pathetic plea? Can you ignore
It?
SCAPIN
Oh will you just get up off the floor!
But next time you might think before you make
A hasty threat!
LEANDER (standing up)
So you will not forsake
Me?
SCAPIN
Maybe. Maybe not.
LEANDER
But now time flies!
SCAPIN
Oh hold your horses! So shall I surmise
You both are needing cash?
LEANDER
Five hundred.
SCAPIN (to OCTAVIO)
You?
OCTAVIO
Two hundred.
SCAPIN
Well I see I must dig through
Both of your father’s pockets.
(to OCTAVIO)
I am set
To snare your father, and I soon will get
The money you desire with my plan.
(to LEANDER)
But as for yours, he’s such a stingy man.
Yet even so, he is so stupid we
Should find it easy. He is thoroughly
Distracted by the smallest trick. But do
Not be offended, as they say that you
Do not resemble him at all. They say
In fact that he is not your father.
LEANDER
May
I just suggest you quit while you’re ahead?
SCAPIN
Oh well, who cares about what has been said?
Octavio, I see your father! He
Will soon be here, and so I say that we
Begin by hooking him. You both should leave.
When I’m alone it’s easy to deceive.
But send Sylvester here and quickly. He
Must come and play his role convincingly.
(OCTAVIO and LEANDER exit, ARGANTE enters muttering to himself. SCAPIN says aside:)
SCENE VIII—ARGANTE, SCAPIN
I see the wheels are spinning in his mind!
ARGANTE (to himself)
Such foul behavior one could never find!
So inconsiderate! To lose his head
Then rush into a marriage. Youth are led
By hearts, but never by the brain!
SCAPIN
Signor,
I am your servant and am waiting for
Your next instruction.
ARGANTE (noticing him)
Oh, hello Scapin.
SCAPIN
You wrestle with your son’s behavior?
ARGANTE
Can
I not? And oh, it eats away at me.
SCAPIN
Signor, how life is challenging. But we
Must fortify ourselves and be prepared.
I am reminded how a friend once shared
The words of a philosopher. He said…
ARGANTE
Said what?
SCAPIN
He said a father will not dread
Returning home from any voyage when
He conjures up calamities. And then
His nightmares trump reality. Yes, he
Should fantasize his house was thoroughly
Destroyed by fire, and his wife has died,
His son now married to a worthless bride.
His daughter’s virtue in the gutter and
His fortune squandered. Then he’ll understand
That anything far short of that is good.
And he shall thank his lucky stars and should
See how this wise philosophy is sound.
I know I have, and know that I have found
Expecting a disaster soothes the soul.
So I assume my masters have one goal:
To batter and abuse me, scream and yell
And take their anger out on me and tell
Me how my days are numbered as they beat
Me so severely, kicking with complete
Abandon, whipping me with so much glee,
Insulting, scolding, coming after me
With clubs and knives and threats and blows. But I
Am so relieved if I am spared and try
To see the bright side of my fate.
ARGANTE
How nice.
And what a lovely thought and sound advice.
But this confounded marriage is a sin
Beyond what I can bear, and I am in
A pickle, as he was betrothed, and I
Must seek solicitor’s advice and try
To undo all the vows he dared to take.
SCAPIN
Signor may I suggest you try and make
Alternative arrangements? As you know,
A lawsuit is the hardest field to hoe,
And you may find entanglements.
ARGANTE
I hear
You and suspect you are correct, yet fear
I have no other option.
SCAPIN
Oh but I
Might have a new solution! Deep in my
Sad heart I felt for you, and so my head
Went spinning all about while filled with dread
About your sad predicament. I see
A father suffering so woefully,
And I am torn to pieces. Seeing you
The pain is doubled. My regard is true
And deeply felt.
ARGANTE
I do appreciate
Your great devotion.
SCAPIN
Then I must relate
To you how I went to the brother of
The girl he married. He is one to shove
A sword without a second thought and pick
A fight for nothing, and is far too quick
To kill like he is tossing wine into
His throat. I went to see him to pursue
Discussion of this marriage, and I said
That he should see our way. When they were wed,
The vows were pressured under threat of harm,
And he should know how easily your arm
Can reach the scales of justice. As you are
An influential man with friends quite far
Above and well beyond his. And I warned
Him how a father’s right cannot be scorned.
I really laid it on, and how he heard
My arguments and noted every word.
And so I spoke of money, and he was
Receptive to the concept. So he does
Agree to now dissolve this marriage through
The miracle of cash that comes from you!
ARGANTE
What is the price for miracles?
SCAPIN
At first
He dared to ask too much.
ARGANTE
How much?
SCAPIN
The worst
Extravagance and so outrageous!
ARGANTE
How
Much?
SCAPIN
He just said five hundred might allow
Him to forget the marriage. But then swore
Six hundred would for certain.
ARGANTE
That much for
The act of just forgetting? Five or six
Damn hundred? Oh he thinks such clever tricks
Might fool me, but he really does not know
Who he is dealing with!
SCAPIN
Yes that is so!
And so I simply scoffed at his demand
Then laughed and tried to make him understand
That you are not a man so easily
Manipulated. He will never see
Exorbitant extortion work on you!
Well, after some discussion, I got through
To him, and so he acquiesced. And he
Said he’ll rejoin the army soon and be
In need of new equipment. So he does
Have need of ready money, and because
Of that he will negotiate with you.
So, first he needs a horse, and that comes to…
Well…sixty for a decent one.
ARGANTE
I see.
Well, sixty does seem reasonable.
SCAPIN
He
Will need a harness and two pistols. That
Will be another twenty.
ARGANTE (figures in head)
We are at
Um, eighty then…
SCAPIN
Exactly.
ARGANTE
I believe
This all seems within reason.
SCAPIN
He can’t leave
Without a steed to serve his servant, so
He will need thirty for that horse…
ARGANTE
Oh no!
Of all the insolent indulgence! I
Will not provide that!
SCAPIN
But Signor!
ARGANTE
No! My
Depleted purse will not provide that. He
Is cheeky to demand it!
SCAPIN
Will you see
His servant forced to walk?
ARGANTE
I do not care!
So let him walk, or let him run.
SCAPIN
You dare
To haggle over pennies? As they will
Just wind up with solicitors until
Their pockets burst. I say that you should take
This reasonable offer.
ARGANTE
I will make
Myself dig deep and give it to him.
SCAPIN
Though
He also says he needs a pack mule…
ARGANTE
No!
To hell with him and his damn mule! I say
This all is all too much. So I will pay
Solicitors and let a judge decide.
SCAPIN
Signor, I beg of you…
ARGANTE
I have my pride.
SCAPIN
But only one small mule…
ARGANTE
Who cares how small?
Or even just a donkey!
SCAPIN
Think of all…
ARGANTE
No, let the law decide I say.
SCAPIN
Signor!
What ever do you speak of? There is more
To this than meets the eye! As you must weigh
The weighted scales of justice, and they say
Appeals are constantly considered through
An endless hall of endless courtrooms. You
Will be humiliated by each writ,
And like a wild wolf, they tear you bit
By bit. The clerk and counselors and then
Attorneys and solicitors and when
They all have drained you of your blood, here come
The magistrates and judges! Should a crumb
Remain of you, it will be torn apart
As any of these monsters with no heart
Can easily destroy the saddest case.
The way these bastards work is a disgrace.
Just watch a bailiff slip a summons right
Below your nose. Solicitors just might
Be bribed by the opposing counsel to
Desert you when you go to court, or you
May find he throws your case with arguments
That are ridiculous and then presents
Your case with random blathering. And they
May hold you in contempt for nothing, say
Your documents are suddenly misplaced,
A court reporter claims he has erased
All testimony. And if even then
In spite of everything you find that when
You slip through all the perils of the court
And fight through all objections and each tort,
You find that someone bribed the judge to be
Against you. It could be an enemy
Who sent a tart to whisper in his ear.
Signor, I beg of you and truly fear
That you won’t save yourself from this foul hell.
Oh what damnation waits for you? I tell
You that a lawsuit makes me so aghast
That I would run away from one, and fast!
ARGANTE
How much then for the mule?
SCAPIN
For all of it:
Two horses and a mule and then a bit
More for the harness and the pistols and
A bit he owes at his hotel. A grand
Sum of two hundred!
ARGANTE
Of two hundred?
SCAPIN
Yes.
ARGANTE
I’ll take my chances with the courts!
SCAPIN
Assess
The situation…
ARGANTE
In the courts!
SCAPIN
Signor,
Assess the danger…
ARGANTE
In the courts!
SCAPIN
But for
A case to go to court, you need to pay
For writs and summons, resignations. They
Will charge you for each brief and plead and there
Are consultations, files everywhere,
And evidence and documents. Then see
How any question that you ask will be
Recorded on a ledger, and they will
Be happy to then add it to your bill.
Decrees, and fees and signatures and then
Each piece of paper will be counted when
They pile more upon your bill. See how
They charge for deeds and with other fees and now
They stick you for a signature and seal,
And then when you attempt your first appeal,
You have to pay them all again. Signor,
Just give the man the money! I implore
You, do it and be done with it at last!
ARGANTE
Two hundred is too much.
SCAPIN
But think how fast
This all will all be over! In my head
Just now I calculated, and instead
Of paying all the courts far more, well you
Will save a fortune! What, how much? I do
Believe two hundred fifty more, much more
Than just two hundred he is asking for.
And think of all the time and trouble saved,
And you will save yourself the foul depraved
Foul odor in the court. If I could free
Myself from pain of legal counsel, see
How fast I would pay hundreds more.
ARGANTE
But I
Cannot be bothered if the lawyers try
To make a mockery of me.
SCAPIN
And you
Will do as you see fit. But why go through
A nasty lawsuit?
ARGANTE
I will not allow
Two hundred to be stolen from me.
SCAPIN
Now
Here comes the man we speak of.
(SYLVESTER enters disguised as a rogue, walks in with anger and fury.)
SCENE IX—ARGANTE, SCAPIN, SYLVESTER
SYLVESTER
Well, Scapin,
Where can I find that oh-so-sorry man,
The father of Octavio?
SCAPIN
But why?
What for, Signor?
SYLVESTER
They told me he will try
To call me to the courts! And he will sue
To see my sister’s vows annulled!
SCAPIN
Are you
So sure that he intends to? Though I hear
He won’t pay you two hundred, as I fear
He says that is too much.
SYLVESTER
Too much? I’ll see
That he is killed and damned eternally!
Where is he? As I will eviscerate
Him and without a worry for my fate.
Yes, they can kill me for it; I don’t care!
He won’t escape me; I am everywhere!
(ARGANTE hides behind SCAPIN)
SCAPIN
Signor, the man you speak of is quite brave.
He may not be afraid of you.
SYLVESTER
The knave
Is not afraid of me? Well, curses on
Him! And if he were here, I’d set upon
Him with my sharpened sword and stick it through
His stupid, beating heart!
(eyes ARGANTE)
And who are you?
SCAPIN (holds arms out)
Oh, he is not the man you seek, Signor!
No, this is not the one you’re searching for!
SYLVESTER
But does he dare to call that man his friend?
SCAPIN
Oh no Signor, oh no! How you offend
Him! As he is his greatest enemy!
SYLVESTER
You say his greatest enemy?
SCAPIN
Yes.
SYLVESTER
Be
Assured I am so glad to hear it.
(to ARGANTE)
You
Are enemies with one I hate? It’s true?
You hate the foul Argante as I do?
SCAPIN
He
Is full of hateful hate. Can you not see
The way he shakes before you?
(SYLVESTER grabs ARGANTE’S hand and shakes it violently)
SYLVESTER
Take my hand
My friend, and you will surely understand
My handshake is my bond, and I now vow
On all my honor; I swear here and now
Before the sun sets, I will bring to you
The bloody body of the bastard who
They call “Argante.” Yes, put your trust in me!
SCAPIN
Are violent acts the only remedy?
You know they are illegal in this land.
SYLVESTER
As if I care! You fail to understand
I have no fear of laws or jails!
SCAPIN
But he
Will surely take precautions. There may be
Some relatives and friends and servants who
Will come defend his life and challenge you.
SYLVESTER
I live for murder and destruction! Death
Is not my fear; it is a goal. My breath
Reeks of the stench of blood and guts! Oh where
Is this foul man I seek? Oh let him dare
To face me with his relatives and friends,
And I will send them to untimely ends!
Let them surround me from all sides and draw
Their swords and hold them high. I’ll yell, “Hurrah!”
And say, “Pathetic fools you dare engage
Me? See my sword held high, and feel my rage!”
(He pulls out his sword and mimes attacking men from all sides.)
I lunge and parry, strike and block and thrust!
Again, again, again!
(sees imaginary enemy)
Oh, if I must…
(jumps in for attack again)
I slaughter you and you and you and you.
Is that enough? What, no? Then I will chew
Your guts and spit them out! You like it rough?
Take that and that and that! Is that enough?
You rabble, slime and rubbish in a horde!
Oh look, your blood has stained my polished sword.
I love to see you die, the lot of you.
I only have begun, but you are through.
(Looks directly at SCAPIN and ARGANTE, he is now rabid with madness.)
Do you stand there awaiting death as well?
Your comrades all have died, and I can tell
You wish for death yourself. So do not dare
To think that you are going anywhere.
Don’t make a move or think of drawing back.
Just take it like a man as I attack!
(He lunges at them with gusto. SCAPIN stands firm, as ARGANTE cowers.)
SCAPIN
Oh no, Signor! We are not party to
This thrust and parry carnival!
SYLVESTER
Then you
Have learned don’t dare to play a trick on me!
(SYLVESTER bellows and exits, sword aimed at more invisible challengers. SCAPIN examines the room.)
SCENE X—ARGANTE, SCAPIN
SCAPIN
So many dead, a tragic sight to see.
All over what? Just merely money. Well,
What’s done is done. So I will simply tell
You: Have a lovely day. (starts to exit)
ARGANTE
Scapin…I…I…
SCAPIN (turns back)
Did you say something?
ARGANTE
I think we should try
To give him the two hundred.
SCAPIN
For your sake,
I am so glad to hear it.
ARGANTE
Let us take
It to him right away. I have it here
In ready cash with me.
SCAPIN
Oh, but I fear
That I should take it; you should not, as you
Should not be seen as someone who would do
Salacious acts. Besides, if now he sees
You as you are, then he will know. So please,
And for your own protection, just stay here.
And think, if he should see you, then I fear
That he will only ask for more from you.
ARGANTE
You may be right, But still I like to do
My business by myself. I like to see
The hand that takes my money.
SCAPIN (feigns hurt)
Look at me.
Am I not to be trusted?
ARGANTE
Oh, of course.
But…
SCAPIN
Oh, but what I ask? Do you endorse
Me as an honest man or as a thief?
Am I deceitful? Is it your belief
That I am acting in a way against
You? Can it be that you became convinced
My goals are not in line with yours and my
Own master’s? Here it is you seek to try
Combining your two houses! As I do
Not have your confidence, then I am through
With all of this, and you can find someone
That you can trust to see your will is done
And free you of this foul entanglement!
(ARGANTE pushes cash at SCAPIN)
ARGANTE
No, here Scapin!
SCAPIN
Oh no, do not relent!
Your money is not safe with me at all.
No, go just find another you can call
Your trusted representative.
ARGANTE (shoves it at him)
Oh, here!
SCAPIN
Oh no, I can’t! I simply drown in fear
That as I am unworthy of your trust,
How can I trust myself? I fear I must
Be secretly a thief; how can I know
As I may hide it from myself?
ARGANTE
Just go
And take this with you, I demand it! Here!
Don’t dare to make me ask again!
(SCAPIN takes it)
I fear
It might be prudent you get a receipt
To have a guarantee that no deceit
Will further come from him.
SCAPIN
I guarantee
That he won’t find a fool when meeting me.
ARGANTE
Then I will now return to home and wait.
(as ARGANTE exits)
SCAPIN
And I will be there very soon!
(GERONTE begins to enter)
SCENE XI—GÉRONTE, SCAPIN
SCAPIN (aside)
How great
To have one done, and now I need to do
The other one!
(notices GERONTE)
Oh look, and right on cue:
One bug, and then another in my net!
(pretends not to notice GERONTE)
Oh what misfortune! Oh, to be beset
With sad disaster! Lord above, I pray
To you for this unhappy father. May
Signor Geronte please persevere. What can
We do?
GERONTE (aside)
What does he say? I say the man
Looks steeped in misery!
SCAPIN
Where can he be?
Can someone go and find this man for me?
Please find Signor Geronte!
GERONTE
Scapin, what is
The matter?
(SCAPIN rushes about the room as if so distraught he cannot hear him)
SCAPIN
I must tell him now of his
Impending great disaster when I find
Him.
GERONTE
What disaster?
SCAPIN (still faking)
I am in a bind,
As everywhere I look, he is not there.
GERONTE
But I am here.
SCAPIN (looks under furniture)
I seek him everywhere,
And yet he must be hiding. Where could he
Now be, I cannot guess.
GERONTE
Can you not see
Or hear, as I am here!
SCAPIN (suddenly “seeing” him)
Oh, there you are!
You are impossible to find when far
Away.
GERONTE
But I was standing very near
To you for half an hour. Now be clear:
What is this all about?
SCAPIN (hesitating)
Signor…
GERONTE
Well, what?
SCAPIN
Your son, Signor…
GERONTE
My son, Signor?
SCAPIN
Is but
The victim of sad circumstances that
Are strange indeed.
GERONTE
What are they?
SCAPIN (tearing up)
Oh, he sat
Right here this afternoon just looking sad,
And he confided earlier you had
Said something to him and surprisingly
Associated me with it. And we
Went walking to the harbor as I tried
To soothe his shattered soul, and there we spied
A Turkish ship within the harbor. We
Were greeted by a sailor, and then he,
With gentlemanly manners, said we could
Both come aboard his ship. And there he stood
Extending out his hand to us. And we
Both went aboard. And you should know that he
Was so hospitable, he served fine wine
And fruit and cake; it all was so divine.
GERONTE
These circumstances are not sad.
SCAPIN
But wait
And hear what is to come. As we both ate,
The ship set sail out to the sea while we
Were unaware. The sailor then sent me
Out on a skiff to bring a warning to
You that five hundred must be paid or you
Will never see your son again, as they
Will take him to Algiers!
GERONTE
Oh no! No way,
Five hundred?
SCAPIN
Yes, five hundred! And they said
You only have two hours!
GERONTE
I am dead
And by his hand, the bastard!
SCAPIN
Oh, Signor,
You must respond and quickly. Do it for
The son you love or he will be enslaved.
GERONTE
Why did he step upon the ship?
SCAPIN
He craved
Adventure. He had no idea.
GERONTE
Run
And tell them now Scapin: Release my son,
Or I will send the law!
SCAPIN
Police, Signor?
Upon the open sea? Unlikely, or
You seek to tease me?
GERONTE
Why did you both go
Aboard?
SCAPIN
I simply say we did not know
What destiny had planned for us.
GERONTE
I say,
Scapin, I see a way for you to play
The faithful servant.
SCAPIN
How, Signor?
GERONTE
Just go
And tell her to retrieve my son. And show
Them how you will replace me. You can be
Collateral and be a guarantee
Until I find the funds.
SCAPIN
Signor, do you
Believe what you are saying? That they do
Their business in a way that they will take
A servant as a substitution?
GERONTE
Make
Me understand. Why did he want to go
Within the galley with that scoundrel?
SCAPIN
Oh,
How could the lad predict the peril that
Awaited him within? Signor, we’re at
A standstill and the time is flying. We
Began with just two hours.
GERONTE (in denial)
Can it be…
Can it be he said…
SCAPIN
…Five hundred…
GERONTE
No!
Has he no soul or conscience? Can he show
No mercy?
SCAPIN
Well, he is a sailor…
GERONTE
Can
He understand how much this is?
SCAPIN
The man
Is well aware how much he asks for.
GERONTE
Does
He dream that money grows on trees? Because
I tell you it does not!
SCAPIN
Some people are
Immune to reason.
GERONTE
Oh, he stepped too far
When he stepped on that ship!
SCAPIN
Oh, what a waste
Of words. Forget the ship. We must make haste.
Each moment that commences separates
Us farther from your son, and soon the Fates
Will fling him far forever.
(calls out, as if to Leander)
Oh my poor
Young master, how I weep to know they tore
You from your father and your home. Just think,
You’re at this very moment on the brink
Of life so far away and bound in chains.
But heaven knows I busted all my brains
In my attempts to rescue you. A shame
Your father does not love you, but the blame
Is his and his alone.
GERONTE
Just stop, Scapin!
As I will go and get the money.
SCAPIN
Can
You hurry? As we deal with desperate men,
And time is fleeting.
GERONTE
How much was it then?
Four hundred, did you say?
SCAPIN
Five hundred.
GERONTE
Oh!
Five hundred! Why did he decide to go
Upon the ship?
SCAPIN
I know, I know.
GERONTE
Could he
Have walked another way?
SCAPIN
Well, possibly.
But see Signor, the time…
GERONTE
I place a curse
Upon that ship!
SCAPIN (aside)
I say, what could be worse?
It seems a ship is caught within his throat!
GERONTE
See here Scapin, right here within my coat
I have the gold we need. I just received
It.
(pulls a purse from his coat, stares at it longingly)
Who could know that I could be so grieved
To see you torn from my my firm grasp?
(glares at SCAPIN)
You tell
That sailor he is headed straight to Hell!
SCAPIN (holds out hand)
I will, Signor.
GERONTE
And tell him he is low…
SCAPIN
I will.
GERONTE
…As low as low can be, and he is so
Disreputable!
SCAPIN
You can bet I will.
GERONTE
And he is…
SCAPIN
Yes, I will…
GERONTE
And I will kill
Him when I get my hands on him.
SCAPIN (losing patience)
Oh yes
I will, I will, I will!
GERONTE
Do not distress
Scapin. Now go and quickly get my son.
SCAPIN
Signor?
GERONTE
Well what Scapin?
SCAPIN
It can’t be done
Without the money.
GERONTE
What, the money? I
Just gave it all to you!
SCAPIN
Oh, you did try
But put it back inside your coat.
GERONTE
Ah, me!
My grief has clouded up my mind.
SCAPIN
I see.
GERONTE
Why did he step upon the ship? Oh why
You cursed ship and sailor? I will cry
To Heaven hoping Hell will take you!
(as GERONTE exits, SCAPIN says aside:)
SCAPIN
He
Has pained to pay five hundred achingly
And right into my hand. Yet I will play
My other hand and really make him pay
For spinning lies about me to his son!
(OCTAVIO and LEANDER enter)
SCENE XII—OCTAVIO, LEANDER, SCAPIN
OCTAVIO
Hello, Scapin! I pray you say you’ve won.
LEANDER
Please say you have dispatched my misery.
SCAPIN (to OCTAVIO)
I have two hundred here as you can see.
I got it from your father.
(tosses him ARGANTE’S purse)
OCTAVIO
I am so
Relieved!
SCAPIN (to LEANDER)
But I am sad to say although
I tried, I failed to help you.
LEANDER (starts to run off)
I must die!
Without my dearest Zerbinetta I
Will have no reason to go on!
SCAPIN
Oh, stay!
How quickly you accept defeat.
LEANDER
What may
Become of me without true love?
SCAPIN
Oh please!
(pulls out GERONTE’S purse)
As I have captured all necessities
Right here for you.
LEANDER
Oh I am saved!
SCAPIN (pulls purse away)
But wait!
There is but one condition: You must state
You will allow me my revenge as I
Deceive your father.
LEANDER
As you wish, with my
Express permission.
SCAPIN
So you swear right here?
In front of witnesses?
LEANDER
I do.
SCAPIN
Then we’re
In business! Here we go, five hundred!
(tosses purse to LEANDER)
LEANDER
So
We’ll pay the ransom for my love. Let’s go!
End of Act II
ACT III
SCENE I—ZERBINETTA, HYACINTHA, SCAPIN, SYLVESTER
SYLVESTER
Your lovers have decided that you should
Both wait together. And we think their good
Intentions should be honored.
HYACINTHA
I must say
That their intentions just delight me. May
I now receive this company with great
Appreciation. Also, may I state
That friendship shared between our loves should be
Between us two as well? You will not see
Me give a cause to stop it.
ZERBINETTA
And I take
Your offering, as I will not forsake
An overture of friendship.
SYLVESTER
What if you
Are offered love?
ZERBINETTA
Well, love is something to
Be more considered as the stakes are high,
So I am more reluctant.
SCAPIN
Yet you try
To dare reject my master when he’ll do
Things far beyond the bounds of love for you.
So I should say you have a guarantee,
And so you should accept him?
ZERBINETTA
Yet I see
Some reasons to be cautious. What he’s done
Is not sufficient to secure me. One
Who has a happy temperament like me,
So fond of fun and all frivolity,
May seem content, and yet it all may hide
Some true concerns that haunt me deep inside.
And so he should slow down should he believe
That buying me is quite sufficient. Leave
A ransom and find love? I should say no.
So let him put his purse away and show
Me how his heart is now held ransom and
How there are certain rituals he’s planned
To prove he is devoted.
SCAPIN
You will see
That he has planned to take your hand. And he
Is most sincere and honorable. Or
I would not be assisting him.
ZERBINETTA
No more
Than your good word is then required. Yet
I still believe his father now will fret
About the marriage.
SCAPIN
Just leave him to me.
HYACINTHA (to ZERBINETTA)
Our fates are twisted now, so we should be
The fastest friends. It seems we both now share
Some fears, and now it seems we are aware
We mingle our misfortunes.
ZERBINETTA
Even so,
You are advantaged, as you surely know
Your parentage, and they are there for you.
So you can seek consent from them. I do
Not harbor any hope of that. And I
Will find his father only asks if my
Worth can be counted with no dowry.
HYACINTHA
True.
And yet consider there is hope, as you
Need not concern yourself your lover will
Be tempted by another bride.
ZERBINETTA
Yet still
A lover’s changing heart is not the fear
That we should fear the most. As we can steer
The heart that we have harnessed. Yet I dread
The power of a father. As I said,
They only see our value in a purse,
Not in our souls.
HYACINTHA
I know, what could be worse?
The way to love is quite a rocky road.
True love should be a sweet romantic ode
With two combined as perfect as a rhyme.
SCAPIN
You could not be more wrong. You’ll find with time,
Familiarity can breed contempt,
And perfect, peaceful bliss will soon prevent
Attempts on all romantic acts. We need
Some ups and downs, or peace will soon impede
Our inspiration. Then stagnation kills
Our senses when we want to feel some thrills.
ZERBINETTA
But you must tell us now Scapin how you
Got money out of that old miser through
Your trickery. I know you know how I
Will laugh so heartily, and that is my
Reward for your endeavors.
SCAPIN
Oh, just ask
Sylvester here. He’s perfect for the task,
As I am busy spinning webs to snare
A nasty bug. Stand back as I prepare
Another round of sweet revenge.
SYLVESTER (distraught)
Oh please!
Why must you leap at dangers such as these?
They only lead to trouble!
SCAPIN
Life is good
When one is still alive. And so we should
Take chances seeking danger.
SYLVESTER
Oh, could you
Just listen just this once to me and do
As I advise?
SCAPIN
No, I prefer to hear
Someone who I respect: Myself.
SYLVESTER
I fear
For you. Why take the risk?
SCAPIN
Why do you care?
You work yourself into a lather.
SYLVESTER
Dare
I say I am concerned you will be whipped
Within an inch of your sad life?
SCAPIN
And stripped
Down to the waist and flogged…who cares?
It is my hide I risk.
SYLVESTER
The one who dares
His hide can take responsibility
For what commences.
SCAPIN
You will never see
Me shirk from any danger. How I hate
Those with the meekest hearts. See them await
A danger that may never come and then
Find that their chance may never come again.
ZERBINETTA
Yet we still need you here and still alive.
SCAPIN
I understand. But leave me to connive.
Yes leave me, all of you!
(as they all exit, SCAPIN says aside:)
Let no one say
Scapin will ever give himself away.
And lips that stay so sealed will surely see
Me have my fun with great impunity.
SCENE II—GERONTE, SCAPIN
GERONTE
Hello Scapin. Tell me what you have done.
Have you arranged a rescue of my son?
SCAPIN
Your son is safe, Signor, yet now I fear
That you are now in danger. Being here
Is not a good idea. You should be
In your own house.
GERONTE
What, what?
SCAPIN
A tragedy!
As you stand here with me, outside they seek
You out.
GERONTE
Who, me?
SCAPIN
Yes, you.
GERONTE
But who?
SCAPIN
I speak
About the brother of the girl that wed
Octavio. Apparently he said
That it was you who broke them up, as you
Intend your daughter for his hand. And through
Your machinations you have now destroyed
His sister. Now his friends have been deployed
With swords held high while crying out your name
And calling for your blood. Oh what a shame
That they are so devoted, searching for
You with a vengeance, hunting by the score,
Harassing anyone they come upon
Demanding information, riding on
Each road and alleyway they block the way
That leads up to your house. I’m sad to say
There is nowhere to turn, nowhere to go
That won’t deliver you to them!
GERONTE
Oh no!
What can I do, Scapin?
SCAPIN
I wish I knew.
Signor, this is unpleasant. How I do
Now tremble from my toes up to my head!
Oh wait, I have a thought…
(SCAPIN goes upstage and pretends to listen)
GERONTE
Well, what?
SCAPIN (dismissive)
Instead
Of what I thought, I think I need to try
To think a thought again.
GERONTE
Just think of my
Protection. You must save me!
SCAPIN
There is one
Solution, but I say it can’t be done
Without me risking life and limb.
GERONTE
You can!
Just think how you will prove yourself, Scapin
As truly being loyal. Don’t forsake
Me!
SCAPIN
I will do what I must do and take
The risk. Oh my devotion has me snared.
If I should die, they all will know I cared.
GERONTE
But I will see you are rewarded! You
Should be assured that when I am well through
With this fine coat I wear, it will be yours.
SCAPIN
Oh wait, just wait as inspiration pours
Right out of me and tells me what to do.
(SCAPIN runs and grabs a giant sack)
Yes, now I know a way to rescue you!
Just step into this sack.
(GERONTE thinks he sees someone)
GERONTE
Wait, who is there?
SCAPIN
No one is there, so step in here. Take care
To be so very still. I’ll carry you
Right out of here and past the retinue
Of angry men and see you safely set
For home. Be like a bundle; never let
Them see you move. When you are safe inside,
We’ll barricade the door, and you can hide
As I send word for help.
GERONTE (getting into sack)
I say that you
Are most inspired.
SCAPIN
Oh, how true, how true!
Now get inside where you are safe.
(GERONTE gets inside, SCAPIN says aside)
I say
Revenge is best served hot. Now you will pay!
GERONTE (inside bag)
Wait, what was that?
SCAPIN
I simply said, Signor,
That we will trick your enemies. What’s more,
I hope to see them neutralized. Now get
Yourself into the very bottom. Let
Yourself be still as if a stone, and do
Not make a move or risk they will see through
Our little ruse, no matter what may come!
GERONTE (pops out of bag)
I will not move a muscle!
SCAPIN (shoves him back in)
Oh! The scum
That searches for you now arrives, and he
Is out for blood!
During the following, SCAPIN goes back and forth between his own voice and a fake voice.
(fake voice)
Now, who will humor me
And lead me to Geronte? Oh how I lust
For blood, and his will do!
(his own voice, whispering to the sack)
Signor, please trust
Me. Oh you must stay still!
(fake voice)
Though he may be
Within the center of the Earth, I’ll see
Him dead!
(his own voice, whispers to bag)
Oh please stay safe in there!
(fake voice)
Hey, you!
The man who has a sack!
(his own voice)
What may I do
For you, Signor?
(fake voice)
If gold is what you want,
Then tell me where to find Signor Geronte!
(his own voice)
You seek Signor Geronte?
(fake voice)
I do!
(his own voice)
And why,
May I inquire?
(fake voice)
Why?
(his own voice)
Yes, why?
(fake voice)
Well, I
Intend to beat him with a stick until
He dies!
(his own voice)
Oh no, Signor! You cannot kill
A Gentleman like him!
(fake voice)
Why not? That low
And rotten scoundrel!
(his own voice)
No Signor, oh no!
You must not say such things of him. I see
Such disrespect. Now stop it!
(fake voice)
You dare be
So cheeky with me?
(his own voice)
Well, I must insist,
As you are so revolting and persist
In slighting him!
(fake voice)
Are you a friend of his?
This man they call Geronte?
(his own voice)
Well yes, that is
Correct.
(fake voice)
Well, isn’t that so marvelous.
Give this to him from me!
(SCAPIN uses his own voice and makes it sound as if he is getting hit as he hits GERONTE in the bag with a stick.)
Can we discuss
Your method and your message? Please Signor!
Oh ow! That hurts! Oh how I must implore
You, have compassion! Have some mercy!
(fake voice)
There!
Now take the message to him with great care.
Oh wait, there’s more!
(SCAPIN beats GERONTE in the bag a few more times. He uses his own voice:)
Oh no, oh ow!
(fake voice)
Goodbye!
(his own voice)
At last he’s gone, the vile bastard!
(GERONTE crawls out of bag in a stupor)
GERONTE
I
Cannot endure another blow…
SCAPIN
Signor!
But I was beaten worse, and I am sore
Across my shoulders—They took every blow!
GERONTE
How can it be I felt them all?
SCAPIN
How so?
My back is black and blue.
GERONTE
And yet I felt
Each blow across my back, and they were dealt
With vigorous ambition! And I now
Still feel the sting!
SCAPIN
I can imagine how
With each blow unto me as he drew back
It landed on you hard within the sack.
You felt it too?
GERONTE
If you had stepped away
A little bit and to the left…
SCAPIN
I say!
Here comes another ruffian! Get in!
(roughly shoves GERONTE back into sack)
And this one looks so shifty!
During the following, SCAPIN goes back and forth between his own voice and a fake voice.
(fake voice)
Such a sin
To run all over town to fester out
The pitiful Geronte! To run about
From here to there and everywhere. What for?
As he is lost, not found!
(real voice, to GERONTE in sack)
Stay hidden, or
You may regret it!
(fake voice)
Well, hello there. Do
You know where I may find Geronte? All through
This city I have searched in vain.
(real voice)
Oh no
Signor, I do not know.
(fake voice)
Oh, is that so?
Now you can tell the truth to me as I
Just have a need to talk to him. Why lie?
I simply have a stick and have a sword
That need to meet his body. I am bored
And want to see if my new sword can cut
Right into him.
(real voice, as GERONTE moves in the sack)
Signor, believe me. What
I told you was the truth: He is not here!
(fake voice)
Did I just see that sack just shake?
(real voice)
Oh dear.
You must excuse me now, Signor!
(fake voice, as GERONTE shakes even more)
Just now!
I saw the sack just shake again!
(real voice)
Oh how
Could that be possible?
(fake voice)
Then let me try
To stick my sword right through!
(real voice)
Well tell me why
That you would think that you could come in here
And stab a sack?
(fake voice, angry and threatening)
I say I can.
(real voice)
Why yes, it does appear
You can. But it is shameful.
(fake voice)
Shameful?
(real voice)
Yes!
Revealing it to you would bring me stress,
And it is so revolting you would die.
I am protecting you. I do not lie.
(fake voice)
I say my sword and I both disagree.
Whatever you are hiding, I will see.
(real voice)
Oh no, you can’t!
(fake voice)
Oh yes, I will!
(real voice)
Signor,
It only is my laundry.
(fake voice)
Nothing more
Than that? Then I shall see!
(real voice)
I still say no!
(fake voice)
Oh, you say no?
(real voice)
I do!
(fake voice)
Oh is that so?
Then you can feel my stick upon your back
To teach you all the manners that you lack!
(real voice)
Oh, go ahead and beat me. I don’t care!
(SCAPIN starts to beat him again with a stick. Switches to fake voice:)
Oh you will care when I am through! I’ll tear
The skin right off of you!
(real voice, as if he is being beaten:)
Oh, ow Signor!
That hurts, oh how it hurts! Oh please, no more!
(fake voice, as he continues beating)
Now I will say goodbye and hope that you
Have learned a lesson. Have I gotten through
Your shield of insolence?
(real voice, stops acting as if being beaten)
The cursed man
Is gone at last. I am relieved!
(GERONTE slowly crawls out of sack even more stupefied)
GERONTE
How can
I crawl out of the sack when every bone
I have is broken now?
SCAPIN
Oh, let alone
The fact that I am dying!
GERONTE
But again,
Tell me how I got injured?
SCAPIN (jumps)
Go back in
The sack, Signor! As half a dozen men
Are now approaching!
(violently shoves GERONTE back into sack)
During the following, SCAPIN creates many fake voices.
(a voice)
You must tell me when
You find him!
(another voice)
Seek him out! Search everywhere!
(another voice)
And leave no stone unturned. He might be there!
(another voice)
Search up and down. Tear through the town,
Each street and corner, here and there and down
The streets and up the avenues!
(another voice)
This way!
(another voice)
Oh no, that way!
(another voice)
Go left!
(another voice)
Go right!
(another voice)
I say
That you are wrong!
(another voice)
No, I am right!
(SCAPIN whispers to GERONTE in his own voice)
Stay still,
And hide yourself!
(back to a fake voice)
Oh look, his servant! Will
You tell us, you damn rascal. Tell us please
Where we can find your master? We can squeeze
It out of you if you prefer.
(real voice)
Oh no
I cannot do that. Please, please spare me!
(GERONTE dares to peek out of the sack and sees SCAPIN’S ruse during the following, as Scapin uses another voice:)
Oh,
Now will you look at that? A touching scene!
But tell us now, or we will strike between
Your shoulder blades, and you will feel each blow!
(real voice)
Well, I will suffer that and more! Just know
My loyalty knows of no bounds and I
Will not betray my master. I will die!
(another voice)
Well as you wish. Prepare to die!
(real voice)
I will,
And die a loyal servant!
(another voice)
We will kill
You here and now!
(real voice)
Yet die with honor! I
Will not betray my master.
(another voice)
You will die!!!
(SCAPIN turns to beat GERONTE again and sees that his ruse is being observed. Geronte lunges out of the bag as SCAPIN runs off.)
GERONTE
Deceitful, lying scum of infamy!
How dare you do this vile thing to me?
(ZERBINETTA enters laughing. She is unaware of GERONTE, who is unaware of her)
SCENE III—ZERBINETTA GERONTE
ZERBINETTA
Oh my, I really need to catch my breath!
GERONTE (calling after SCAPIN)
And I will see you punished with your death!
ZERBINETTA
Oh what a most amusing story. Who
Could think a man could be so stupid to
Be so bamboozled? Oh that sad, old…
GERONTE (notices her)
I
Believe that you should hold your laughter. Try
To see that what amuses you could be
Considered sad by others.
ZERBINETTA
Pardon me
Signor, what do you mean?
GERONTE
I mean to say
You should not laugh at me.
ZERBINETTA
At you?
GERONTE
Yes.
ZERBINETTA
May
I ask who dares to laugh at you?
GERONTE
You do!
You laugh directly in my face.
ZERBINETTA
Yet you
Are not involved at all. I simply heard
A funny story, something so absurd
That I can only laugh. Though it may be
Because I am involved, it touches me
Most deeply. Still, I cannot hope to know
Another story half as good and so
Amusing. As you see, a mean old man
Was just now swindled by a clever plan,
And it was perpetrated by his son
To get some money out of him.
GERONTE (suspicious)
How fun.
You say a son deceived his father to
Procure some money?
ZERBINETTA
Yes! I say, if you
Desire all the details I will share
Them. Oh, what twists and turns in this affair!
I cannot keep it to myself or I
May burst. I love to share in laughter. Why
Not share this laugh with you?
GERONTE
Oh please, please do…
ZERBINETTA
Well, I will do so gladly. Telling you
Is not a risk, as soon the world will know;
No secret can be truly safe. And so
It happened just like this: I was among
A band of Gypsies. As our tribe was flung
From here to there and there to here we made
Our way by telling fortunes. When we laid
Our stakes here in this city, where I met
A wonderful young man, and once he set
His eyes upon me that was that, and he
Pronounced his love. And then so charmingly
From here to there and there to here he went
Wherever I might step and was content
Believing that he merely needed to
But say one word and then with no ado
I would just faint away and simply land
Within his arms and let him take my hand.
But it is not so simple. First he had
To bargain with my tribe. And they were glad
To let him have my hand, but for a fee.
But how unfortunate for him to be
A son of one so wealthy, yet he has
No money of his own. So tragic, as
His father is a selfish skinflint. He…
Oh, I forgot his name. What can it be?
Can you help me remember? Can you name
A man notorious who has no shame
In being awful and so miserly?
GERONTE
I cannot say…
ZERBINETTA
Oh what could his name be?
It sounds like “Ron” or “Ronte?” That rings a bell.
“Oronte?” oh no, “Geronte!” That suits him well.
A perfect name for one who is so mean
And selfish! Now, where was I? Well, between
His awful father and my tribe, we found
We were in trouble, as my tribe is bound
To leave this city any minute. So
My lover was to lose me. They will go
And take me with them if he cannot pay.
And all was lost until he turned today
To his most-clever servant. Oh Scapin
Could wrestle money from that nasty man!
His father did not know what hit him. Oh
Scapin, he is our hero!
GERONTE (seething)
Is that so?
(aside)
The vile wretch!
(ZERBINETTA giggles at points during the following:)
ZERBINETTA
But you should hear his plan!
Oh, how he duped the idiotic man!
I cannot help but laugh so heartily.
He told the stupid fool convincingly
That he was in the harbor with his son,
And there they found a ship, and then someone
Invited them aboard so graciously
And gave them wine and cheese, then stealthily
Set sail and sent the ship to sea. And so
Scapin told him he was sent back to go
And get a handsome ransom or he would
Not see his son again. Oh, this is good!
The miser, how he struggled, stuck between
His son and love of money. How obscene
That he could even struggle with it! Each
Gold piece held up to him just like a leech.
Oh how he struggled, and in vain, he tried
To think of some alternatives. He cried
That he would send police out on the sea
To walk on water to the ship. And he
Then asked Scapin to go negotiate
By trading places with his son. And wait-
As this gets even better! As you see,
Geronte had not a single thought to free
Scapin. You see how foul he is? At last,
Defeated, he surrendered. He was past
The point of fighting facts, but then he cried
Repeatedly, “Why did he go inside
The ship…why did he go inside? I will
Go hunting for that sailor and then kill
Him!” Then with hesitations, moans and cries,
Gave up his money, cursing to the skies!
Signor, you are not laughing. Can it be
You do not find it funny?
GERONTE
Well, you see…
I see the young man as a scoundrel who
Has disrespected his own father to
Enact a vile scheme! I guarantee
The father might just take him to his knee
And far much worse than that for his foul deed.
As for the girl, I say it’s guaranteed
The little hussy soon will get her due
For helping to concoct this nasty stew,
Insulting men of honor and their heirs
With loathsome tricks and vile dirty snares.
As for the servant, he will surely see
How scoundrels are dispatched so thoroughly.
Oh he is happy, and he had his fun,
But I will see before the setting sun
Tomorrow he is hanged!
(GERONTE exits as ZERBINETTA starts to dash off in a panic. SYLVESTER enters, blocking her way.)
SCENE IV—ZERBINETTA, SYLVESTER
SYLVESTER
Where are you running off to? Can it be
That you don’t know? The man you spoke to, he
Is your own lover’s father!
ZERBINETTA
I began
Suspecting it. But first, I told the man
His story without knowing who he was.
SYLVESTER
What do you mean, his story?
ZERBINETTA
Well, because
I was so full of laughter, I just had
To share it with another. I am glad
He knows, as now the truth is out. Who cares,
What’s done is done. Can all the sad affairs
Get any worse for wear?
SYLVESTER
It must have been
Compelling to go blab it all. A sin
Indeed to be so indiscreet about
One’s own affairs.
ZERBINETTA
Yet it would all come out
Eventually.
(from offstage, we hear ARGANTE)
SCENE V—ARGANTE, ZERBINETTA, SYLVESTER
ARGANTE (yelling)
You, Sylvester!
SYLVESTER
Go
And hide in there. My master beckons.
(ZERBINETTA exits as ARGANTE enters)
SCENE VI—ARGANTE, SILVESTER
ARGANTE
So!
You all conspired! Did you not go make
A pact with my son and Scapin to take
My hard-earned money? And believed that I
Would be delighted by it? Just stand by
And let you get away with it?
SYLVESTER
I pray
Signor that you don’t truly mean to say
That if Scapin deceived you I would dare
To be a party to it. Oh, I swear
I did not know, not know at all.
ARGANTE
Oh yes?
Well we shall see, you worthless wretch! Just guess
What happens if you dare believe that I
Can be bamboozled. Go ahead and try!
(GERONTE enters)
SCENE VII—GERONTE, ARGANTE, SYLVESTER
GERONTE
Signor Argante, you find me in the throes
Of deepest trouble.
ARGANTE
Oh, and heaven knows
I drown in deepest depths of dark despair.
GERONTE
That hooligan Scapin has dared to dare
To take five hundred from me!
ARGANTE
Did he now?
That same Scapin; well let me tell you how
He took two hundred from me!
GERONTE
Oh I see.
He was not satisfied from fleecing me,
And so he went much further. And…oh no!
I am ashamed to say it. I will show
That rascal what is what!
ARGANTE
How he will learn
His tricks will quickly turn around and turn
On him!
GERONTE
Oh he can make a mockery
Of me, but he will be surprised and see
What consequences are!
SYLVESTER (aside)
Oh how I pray
That I escape suspicion!
GERONTE
Oh I say,
Signor Argante, there is more tragedy
And more misfortune, more than you now see.
It seems that sadness rides in tandem. I
Was oh so thrilled and planned on seeing my
Dear daughter here today. She is the light
That guides my life, and I just heard tonight
That she left Taranto so long ago.
And there is word her ship was wrecked, and so
It seems that she is lost forever.
ARGANTE
You
Had left her back in Taranto? I do
Not understand. Why wouldn’t she be here
Enjoying life with you?
GERONTE
It might appear
To be regretful, but necessity
Required that she stay there. As you see,
I had a secret second marriage, and
I had to keep here there, you understand.
But who is this I see?
(NERINE enters)
SCENE VIII—ARGANTE, GERONTE, NERINE, SYLVESTER
Nerine? What are
You doing here, you worthless nurse?
NERINE
So far
We’ve come, Signor Pandolphe…
GERONTE
Don’t use that name!
I am Signor Geronte. As when I came
Here, that name was retired. When I was
In Taranto, it was of use because
Of reasons that I will not mention…
NERINE
Oh!
What troubles that has caused me! Do you know
How hard it was to find you?
GERONTE
Tell me where
My daughter is. I left her in your care!
And tell me where he mother is.
NERINE
Oh see,
Your daughter is not far from here. But be
Prepared for me to beg forgiveness. I
Was forced to let her wed a man. Please try
To understand we were most destitute.
And I had lost all hope in my pursuit
Of you.
GERONTE
My daughter married?
NERINE
Yes!
GERONTE
To whom?
NERINE
Signor, the kindest man became her groom.
A young man named Octavio. And he
Is sired from the finest family.
He is the son of one Signor Argante.
GERONTE
Dear heavens!
ARGANTE
What a twist of fate, Geronte!
GERONTE
Well, take us to her quickly!
NERINE
She is here
Within this house!
GERONTE
How can she be so near?
Now lead the way and we shall follow you.
Well, come along Signor Geronte!
(ARGANTE, GERONTE and NERINE exit as SCAPIN slinks in)
SYLVESTER
I do
Believe we’ve had a miracle!
SCENE IX—SCAPIN, SYLVESTER
SCAPIN
Hello!
Well, how are things progressing?
SYLVESTER
You should know
Just two small things. Well, first: You must not fret
About Octavio. He is all set
For future happiness. And secondly:
It seems that Hyacintha seems to be
The daughter of Signor Geronte! By chance,
It seems that both their fathers’ forced romance
Has come to pass all by itself. And oh!
Just one more thing: It seems that they are so
Disgusted with you that they seek to kill
You with enthusiasm. And it will
Most likely come upon you from the hand
Attached to old Geronte. You understand
That he is quite inspired.
SCAPIN
Oh who cares!
As he is like an angry dog who bares
His teeth but never bites. Just like the air
Or clouds, they all blow over.
SYLVESTER
Well take care.
The sons may reconcile all their sins
And hang you out to dry!
SCAPIN
And yet who wins
This game most every time? Just watch as I
Go soothe and smooth this over…
SYLVESTER
You can try,
But do it later. Here they come!
(SCAPIN exits. Enter GERONTE, ARGANTE, HYACINTHA, ZERBINETTA and NERINE)
SCENE X—GERONTE, ARGANTE, HYACINTHA, ZERBINETTE, NERINE, SYLVESTER
GERONTE
Come now,
My daughter; welcome to my home! But how
I do regret your mother is not here.
ARGANTE
And now we see Octavio appear
And at the perfect time.
(enter OCTAVIO)
SCENE XI—ARGANTE, GERONTE, OCTAVIO, HYACINTHA, ZERBINETTA, NERINE, SYLVESTER
ARGANTE
Come here, my son,
And join me, and rejoice with everyone.
We celebrate your marriage that was made
In Heaven.
OCTAVIO
Your proposals must be stayed,
My Father. As I openly refuse,
As I already wed, or do you choose
To not accept that fact?
ARGANTE
I do. But you
Are unaware…
OCTAVIO
The time to talk is through.
ARGANTE
But see, the daughter of Geronte…
OCTAVIO
Who cares?
His daughter is quite foolish if she dares
Compare herself.
ARGANTE
But she…
OCTAVIO
No Father, I
Believe that you should hold your breath. Why try
Convincing one so resolute?
SYLVESTER
Sir, please…
OCTAVIO
Oh hush, Sylvester! I am sick of these
Pathetic pleas, and I won’t listen!
ARGANTE
Son,
Your wife…
OCTAVIO
No father, let my life be done
Should I forsake my sweet Hyacintha.
(he crosses to HYACINTHA)
All your commandments are in vain. As the
Possessor of my heart is here, and she
Will be my one and only wife.
ARGANTE
I see.
Yet she is who I want for you. I say
You are impossible. Just see the way
You rant and rave so loud you cannot hear
The words you wait for!
HYACINTHA
Yes, it does appear
Our troubles are now over. I have found
My father once again.
GERONTE
We should be bound
For home so we can rest ourselves and be
Refreshed while catching up.
HYACINTHA
But father, see
This sweet and charming girl. I cannot bear
To part with her, as she is very fair
In looks and in her heart. And may I say
That you are sure to love her too.
GERONTE
No way
Would I be welcoming to her, as she
Both dares to steal my son and throw at me
The foulest, most revolting insults!
ZERBINETTA
Pray
Signor, forgive me for the shameful way
I spoke of you. Because I did not know
That it was you, so I could only go
By all the slander people speak of you.
GERONTE
What slander are they speaking?
HYACINTHA
Father, do
Believe me when I say that she is pure
Of heart and virtuous, and I am sure
The love my brother has for her is true.
GERONTE
Well, that is well and good. But can you do
This: Tell me how you think I might permit
A guttersnipe to be considered fit
To wed my son?
(enter LEANDER)
SCENE XII—ARGANTE, GERONTE, LEANDER, OCTAVIO, HYACINTHA, ZERBINETTA, SYLVESTER, NERINE
LEANDER
But Father, you can’t say
The one I love is most unworthy. May
I now inform you how I just found out
That she is not an orphan? Have no doubt,
As I was just informed from those I got
Her from; yes they confirmed that she is not
A foundling. She was kidnapped by them. She
Was taken from an honest family
Right here within this city. And they tore
Her from the family house when she was four.
She had a bracelet that they gave me. Here
It is so we can trace her family.
ARGANTE
Dear
God! This bracelet tells me she is my
Own daughter, lost when she was four. Oh I
Just know it!
GERONTE
She’s your daughter?
ARGANTE
I am sure!
Look at her features, beautiful and pure.
Oh it is her, I know it! Oh my dear,
Dear girl!
GERONTE
Just see what wonders may appear!
(CARLOS enters)
SCENE XIII—ARGANTE, GERONTE, LEANDRE, OCTAVIO, HYACINTHA, ZERBINETTA, SYLVESTER, NERINE, CARLOS
CARLOS
Oh gentlemen, I fear a tragedy
Has just commenced within.
GERONTE
What could it be?
CARLOS
Oh poor Scapin!
GERONTE
That bastard? He will die,
And by my hand!
CARLOS
Signor, you need not try.
As I am sad to say he was outside
And walked along a building when he spied
A workman’s hammer falling down. It hit
Him on the head and broke his skull and split
His head apart. And now he slowly dies,
Yet only called to see you through his cries:
His final wish.
(SCAPIN is brought on with his head wrapped in a very melodramatic fashion)
SCENE XIV—ARGANTE, GERONTE, LEANDRE, OCTAVIO, HYACINTHA, ZERBINETTA, SYLVESTER, NERINE, CARLOS
SCAPIN
Oh my Signors! You see
My sorry state. Forgive me! I must be
A sight indeed. Although I soon will die,
I cannot rest my soul until I try
To beg forgiveness for the dastardly
Behavior that I perpetrated. Be
Forgiving, how I beg you good Signors.
Oh gentlemen, my sorry heart just pours
Regret for all my actions.
ARGANTE
Let me say,
You are forgiven. Go in peace.
SCAPIN
And may
I beg of you Signor Geronte to be
Forgiving though I hurt you thoroughly
With sticks and sheer deception.
GERONTE
Let it go
As all is now forgiven.
SCAPIN
Still, I know
The wounds I gave you run so deep, each bruise…
GERONTE
I said forget it!
SCAPIN
…All those blacks and blues
Upon your aged skin…
GERONTE
Oh say no more!
I say that I forgive you!
SCAPIN
How I tore
The skin right off of you, yet here you are,
So full of true forgiveness flowing far
Beyond the scope of any human heart…
GERONTE
Don’t mention it again, I mean it! Start
Believing I forgive you, please!
SCAPIN
Oh my,
I must believe it, and I now can die
In peace.
GERONTE
Although…
SCAPIN
Oh no!
GERONTE
If you should live,
Then you must know that I will not forgive
You.
SCAPIN
Oh Signor!
GERONTE
That is the bargain. You
Must die.
SCAPIN (bellowing)
The sharpest pain is running through
My brain down to my toenails!
ARGANTE
Oh, I say
That we forgive him. Let him pass away
With no obstructions.
GERONTE
Oh I think…I think…
(ALL bend their ear in to hear his decision)
He is forgiven.
ARGANTE
Let raise a drink
And dine together, celebrating all
The happiness we have.
SCAPIN
I will sit tall
Right at the table’s head, and I shall be
The guest of honor, supping happily
And dine with wine and celebrate you all
And wait for death to dare to come to call.
THE END
The Mercurian 